When I was pregnant with my son I had severe morning sickness, for the whole 9 months I was sick, day and night. I felt as sick as a dog 24/7. I tried all the usual tricks and tablets from the doctor but nothing worked. Because I could keep water down, the doctors didn’t take me seriously.
In 2011 I wrote a blog post about having fallen pregnant and having an abortion because I had severe sickness again.
Last month I had another abortion.
I found out I was pregnant, two days later the sickness came. I thought I could deal with it. Me and my other half looked at prams, planned things and started going through our sons old clothes. But the sickness just got worse and worse.
My throat would bleed from throwing up so much and one night my throat became so swollen I had trouble breathing. I spent my days lay on the sofa trying not to move, sick bucket at my side.
My house got messier and messier. My son was getting bored and upset because I couldn’t do anything with him. I knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with this for 9 months, and decided to have a second abortion.
I was lucky the first time, my other half fully supported me and was there every step of the way. Not this time, he hated me for a while, and I could understand why. He really wanted this baby, we’d planned things and he was excited. He called me a baby killer, among other things. But I closed myself off from it all, and became detached.
I knew what I had to do, and saw it as curing an illness. I was 9 weeks and 4 days the day of my abortion, so had to be put to sleep. I didn’t feel anything, I went and had the termination and went home. I decided that that was it. No more babies, I couldn’t risk falling pregnant again and having sickness again and having to go through another abortion. I said I’d just adopt and that was how it would have to be.
But now reality has sunk in, I can’t stop thinking about it.
The thought of never feeling a baby moving inside me, seeing a baby move in my belly or seeing a baby on the scan. I loved being in labour, knowing that I’d kept a baby growing inside me for 9 months, and knowing that soon it would be me pushing that baby into the world.
I don’t think anyone can put into words how amazing that is. Its the proudest moment of a womans life.
I’ve never excelled at anything in life really, except for being a mom, its what I was meant to do. It all came so naturally. I know it would be morally wrong to try for another baby, in case it ended badly again. But my heart is telling me I can’t not have another baby. I just can’t get it out of my head, and I’m jealous of my pregnant friends.
My best friend is pregnant, and I barely talk to her. I’m so, so happy that she’s pregnant, she deserves it more than anyone. But I don’t want to talk about babies. I’m being selfish and I’m not being a good friend to her. She might read this, and she’ll know I’ve written it, so I just want to tell her I’m sorry, I’m not being much of a best friend.
There are so many women out there who sail through their pregnancies, and then don’t look after their children. I get angry and think why me? Why can’t my body cope with pregnancy, when I’d cherish another child. Why can’t those unfit mothers have a body that doesn’t cope with pregnancy. Its not fair.
People always say follow your heart, my heart breaks at the thought of not having another baby. It tears me apart. But should I? Should I really risk it? I just don’t know what to do.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is either a member of my Facebook mums group, a Twitter follower or has been submitted to me via email. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me. You could help us share the blogs love to helping others by sharing via the social sharing buttons.