My son was born when I was a month shy of my 21st birthday, and although his mum and I had a fairly decent relationship once the baby came along we soon realised that we were too young for a child, and more importantly, not in love with each other and unhappy.
After 18 months of trying to make things work we mutually decided to go our separate ways and we split up. Leaving him behind remains the most heart breaking day off my life, I am not ashamed to admit I cried for days afterwards not knowing what the 
future would bring.
I vowed that day to be the best father I could be to him ensuring he would never be without his father. Despite good intentions I know this can be the case when a child is left behind and the father can end up not seeing his kids, sometimes through their fault BUT not always is it the case.
I maintained a good relationship on friendly terms with his mother and soon I was having him every weekend. I would leave work and take buses and trains on a Friday night to pick him up and bring him home with me for the weekend, Sunday the return trip again but I loved having him and never regretted once having to give up a social life to be there for him.
Every month whilst I was working I would make sure money was provided for him as well, I never wanted to be the sort of man who didn’t see or provide for his child and I was determined to stick to that!
Fast forward 2 years and when he was 3 and a half his mum was going through a difficult time with housing and no job so we mutually agreed that he would come and live with me. I was working and could send him to a nursery and provide him with more stability and, as it was best for him he came to live with me, his mum reluctantly agreed.
After less than a year on the council housing list we found a nice 2 bedroom flat and left my mums and went into a new family home.
Just father and son and it was wonderful – albeit very hard work but rewarding nevertheless. I found barriers in most places being a single parent and a man at that! At one stage when he was in Infant School I was called into a meeting with the headmistress and told that as a man bringing up a child I should “join a single parents group!”
In 2005 I got together with Sheryl who is now my wife and this increased my family to 5 and in 2009 Elizabeth came along to complete us. Unfortunately during the past few years I have been battling depression and this has impacted my work situation as I have been too ill to work.
This has made our financial situation at times laughable, poverty should be our family surname and yet we struggled to ensure that the kids never went without presents for birthdays and Christmas as well as making sure we could get them things when the need arose.
Everyday basics like clothing and food which of course are not noticed by children, meanwhile my son’s mum could afford to spend double or treble what we could on him for presents.
In terms of maintenance his mum has not paid me a penny for 95% of the ten years he lived with me but we had an agreement that she would get him the essentials I couldn’t afford to, although 100s of pounds worth of presents were not in the agreement, I went along with it though because I did not want him to go without. Yet even so it annoyed me that I was trying to teach him the value of money whilst he was getting spoilt at his mums!
Now at 13 he has decided he no longer wants to live with me and wants to go and live with his mother again.
Now don’t get me wrong I only want what is best for him assuming the reasons are the right but I can’t help thinking that he is going for the financial reasons rather than any other.
Is it a case of him wanting to live there because he thinks he will continue to be spoiled once he is there full time?
Or has someone been talking to him about how much of a bad father I am because of my depression?
I will be the first to admit that when I have my bad cycles I tend to sleep much of the day and be awake at night, but I have always sat down with him and explained to him how depression works and what happens to me when I am down.
Not that I expect a 13 year old to fully grasp the concept but by being honest and open with him I am avoiding the mistakes that my parents made with me as a kid! Growing up my mum had severe depression yet all that was told to me by my father was that she was a lazy bitch etc!
I have said he can move back to his mums in July once he has finished the school year which will give him the 6 week holiday to make friends in the new area and get a place in a new school but in the mean time I have to endure the pouting and moaning that teenagers specialise in whilst doubting my abilities as a father and whether I have let him down by suffering with depression.
Have I let him down though? I have had him living with me for 10 years are there many 34 year old men out there who can say the same? Is it simply a case that he needs his mum more than me now he is going through the changes of puberty?
Seems to be more questions than answers and hard as it will be maybe it is for the best that I let my boy have his way. Is the only way for him to learn the grass is not always greener going to be by letting him find out the hard way?
I would love to hear people’s views on this
Written for the blog by my very dear friend The Depressed Moose – You can read more of his blogs which are about his battle with depression, his thoughts and feelings and ideas behind improving his state of mind. By Visiting The Depressed Moose Blog.
About The Real Supermum
I actually cried reading this x heres my insite at 13 my brother went to live eith his dad because to him the grass seemed greener ! I think it is the money & puberty dont think for a second you have failed cause any single parent is amazing <3 your boys age is difficult just try and keep things nutrul and ypur idea of waiting till the holodays is sensible and best .. Be strong and wishing you all the luck x
You have been an amazing dad and role model to your son. Depression doesnt make us bad parents, you hold that head up high and be proud you did all you could for him. Xx
Be proud of what you have achieved. Keep your arms open to your son if he ever wants to come back home to you. You have a good head on your shoulders , so use it to battle depression it isn’t easy but we were all here to support you x
Bless ya I almost cried reading this. Theres always an element in teenagers where they think the grass is greener. My parents are still together and even still as a teenager i wished i had another place to live as life is ‘always not fair’ at that age. I really feel for you, teens tend to lean towards the ‘other’ parent when parents separate to then realise the grass isnt always greener. As you suggested there may be that element whereby he feels he needs his mum at this time as he feels ‘misunderstood’. Please dont feel your depression is a reason for his decision to want to move in with his mum because if you and his mum were still together the depression would still be there wouldnt it. Financial gain could be a possibility as teens are meant to be selfish. Just remember your son loves you no matter what and make sure ( im sure you have) that if the decision turns out not to be the right one he is always welcome home. I admire you for your honesty with you son, many dads i know arent half the man you are. Good luck with everything and i hope everything turns out right in the end x
Hello there. I have twin boys of 17 months and I stay at home looking after the boys while their mother, my wife, goes to work. I think it is not a case that you have failed your son. It is more the case that teenagers do rebel against their elders and boys especially like to argue and go against their dads so I don’t find it surprising that he asked to go to his mother.
I would support him in every way in his decision and see what happens.
Dont doubt for one second you have done wrong by him due to your depression! You have done your best by having a very open and loving relationship with him.. what teenager can say that they have a relationship like yours where you have been completely honest about your depression. aia think your son thinks the grass is going to be green on the other side, which imo i very much doubt it will. to me your ex is trying to buy him that is my honest opinion.
Just because you suffer from depression doesnt make you a bad parent, only if every man on this planet where a relationship has broken down had this view to support his child. I think you have the right idea of waitning until the school year finishes, and give him the 6 weeks holiday to think things over while he stays with his mother. Maybe he will realise the grass isnt green on the otherside.
wish you the best of luck xxx
Massive hugs. You have not failed your son he probly has choose to live with his mum because he thinks he will be spoilt ect I know it probly will be hard but your doing the right thing letting him move back in with his mum but he does need to learn the grass isn’t always greener on the other side like you said. Well done for being strong
aslong as you let him know your always there no matter what I’m sure all will be ok 
good luck with everything and please remember you havnt failed your son 
You haven’t let him down at all youve been a fantastic father as the other ladies said he thinks the grass is greener & trust me he will be back after he sees what its really like living with his mother I moved to my dad’s for 2 weeks because I thought I’d have a better life did I heck I wanted to go home to my mum straight away just let him know the doors always open for him its gonna be hard but you sound like a strong man best wishes to you xxx
I want to start by saying good on you for being a stand up guy and being the best parent you can be after your split with your sons mother. It takes a real man to hold fast to his children and parental resoncibilities after these things happen.
You have not failed your son in any single way from what I have read. You have raised him when his mother couldnt and now it seems like your good enough and it hurts.
My son is 11 and nearly 12. Hes been lucky enough to have both parents with him his whole life but he still wants to move out. I constantly feel like nothing I do is good enough and for you to have done it alone for him to then essentially say the same must be soul destroying.
I dont believe in all that hormones crap, i just think kids that age go a bit chucky on you for a while. They do the evil resentfull thing for a bit then hopefully come back to some kind of common sense.
Raising a son that age is like the momnent in exorcist where her head spins round where your impressed and horrified at the same time.
I dont know if it gets better, you will have to give me hope if it does, but oh man i really hope so.
Having depression is not something you can control and you have been honest with your son which requires bravery so stop beating yourself up.
Your doing what you think is best for your son and nobody could or should fault you for that.
Have some blind faith that it will all come good in the future, and remember you have done a great job
Have you sat down and told him how his wanting to move out has made you feel? You have to respect his wishes, but at the same time he needs to know how you feel so you can both move on. You both need to be totally honest with each other. From what you’ve said I’d say maybe he does think he’ll get more financially living with his mum, but when he realises that when she has to pay for all his day to day expenses she probably won’t be able to afford fancy things for him, he’ll see how much you did for him. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I’d be heartbroken if my son wanted to move out
I dont have a 13 year old boy (Yet), but I was one, far too many years ago. Your son loves you and he probably appriciates everything you have done for him and for being what sounds like a great dad. What he sees by moving to his mums is all the shiny things, the money being spent. I would be very suprised if that continued once he actually settles in with mum. My (Unexperienced) advise is to let him go, embrace the times he comes over and be there for him when he realises all you did for him. He will come back, for his dad to put an arm round him and tell him it will all be OK. It might be becasuse a boy or girl has broken his heart, it might be because his mum forces him to do something he doesnt want to, just be there for him and soon enough, he will realise the grass isnt always greener.
Good luck for the future
First-Time-Daddy
you havent let him down at all!! it sounds like you have been a fab dad to him!! it sounds to me more like he is going because he thinks it will be better.. i think most children who have parents that have separated tend to want to leave with the other one at one stage in there lifes so maybe hes going through that stage at the moment.. xx
Thank you all for you comments, as you can imagine it is a hard decision for me as well as heartbreaking. I told him that he has to stay with her for at least a year, that he cannot change his mind after a few weeks as he will need to changes senior schools as well as the hassle of changing benefits etc.
No way. u havent let him down. uv done the best you can with him and thats more than enough. you should be proud of yourself x
Single Dads Heartbreaking Dilemma; Can You Help?; http://t.co/CgHrytkb
He wants to live with his mum because “the grass is greener” so to speak, nothing to do with your ability as a father.
He is a teenager and the whole world is against him unless he is getting what he wants.
You will get through this, just be there with open arms, like you always have x
No you haven’t let him down at all & when he is older he will tell u that but for now I think it may be the gifts & being spoilt also maybe he thinks things might be more relaxed as his mum is working giving him time to do him own thing as we all know at 13 we know it all lol dont worry you’ve done a good job x
You have not let him down at all you have done the very best for your son, kids wilk alsays thinj the grass is greener he pfobably sees the materialistic side of things, mum buys me lots of expensive gifts so im gunna live with her etc…you have done amazingly well. There shluld be mord men like u in this world xxx
You should be very proud of yourself hun, there’s not a lot of good dads out there these day and u sound like you have done a great job, don’t feel like you have let him down, keep your chin up (big hugs)
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theres not many men who stick by their kids nevermind raise them all kids think the grass is greener its wether reality hits hard or not that matters your always going to be there for him and you have been for ten years nobody can make you feel bad for being A GOOD DAD!!!!! XXX
BIG HUGS
You did the right thing taking over his care when his mum was struggling, he should be thanking you for that. You haven’t let him down at all, you’ve done your best by him! Many ‘dads’ would just walk away xx
I also think he see’s that the ‘grass is greener on the other side’ right now and that like you said may be influencing his decision. Chin up and remember you’ve done your best even if he doesn’t realise it now he will one day xx
what a great role model to your son. i was forever back and forwards from dad and mum..
just wanted to send hugs to you
Of course you havnt let him down you haue always done whats best for him sit down and hav a chat with him about his reasons for moving
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Ou are a fantastic role model for your son and have done an amazing job! Teenagers always think they know best but very rarely do! I hope your son realises the grass isn’t always greener and seed what a fantastic job you have done singlehandedly Xx
u have done an amazing job most men would of walked away
you have in no way let him down all you have ever done is support him love him aand care for him and i think you should be proud of yourself. big hugs xxxx
There are not many blokes like you in this world. you have been there for your son every step of the way and for that you should be proud of. money or money, you were there everyday and that is what counts. another poster mentioned the grass is greener on the other side and I think this is def the case, and im sure once he realises it isn’t he will be back where he belongs x
Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself x