My names Shelley and I’m a 21yr old mother to a beautiful baby girl. Reading your blog was like seeing everything I’m feeling written down. I was beginning to think I had schizophrenia or some social mental disorder. I feel so much better knowing what it is and where to go from here. I was petrified social would take my baby away.
I get angry or I’ll be completely calm, then get urges to hurt my partner and baby. I’m ashamed at the voice in my head that tells me ‘I wonder what their reaction would be if you do this…’ Because of that voice, I have dunked my baby under water in the bath to see what she would do.
It maybe for a second but I feel sick afterwards as she struggles to regain breathing as its natural for babies to hold their breath.
But I don’t want any harm to come to her, as when she’s gasping I panic, pat her back, try keep her calm and I feel such relief once she starts breathing normal.
I feel like a monster when I see the panic and fear in her eyes.
I didn’t know what to do.
I suffered from depression from 11yrs old till I was almost 18. But I think it came back just before I was pregnant, with anxiety as well as I struggle going out. I didn’t know where to turn.
My daughter is my world, I struggled to conceive her for 2yrs and when I don’t have these urges (they rarely happen, once or twice every 6 months) I’m a normal happy mum and my baby loves me to bits as I’m caring, loving, protective and fun like a mum should be.
So I will see a Dr immediately. Nice to know its not my fault.
(This post was sent into me by email)