My Foster Dad Abused Me After My Mum Didn’t Want Me

I didn’t realise the impact that my childhood was going to have on me. Being abandoned by my mother three times throughout my childhood. I was neglected by my father who was an alcoholic and a gambling man.

I still love him very much as he didn’t abandon me when my mother did,even though my father was to make many more mistakes when a family friend abused me.

My father didn’t take this news very well and ended up beating his friend up really bad and he later died, my dad went on the run. He took me with him at first but later I was to return all alone with a fake name, twelve years old standing alone in Luton airport wondering what was going to happen to me.

I saw my mum out the corner off my eye, she had come to pick me up but sooner rather than later my mum abandon me for the third time. She left me standing in the court room,where my faith was to be decided,was my mum going to keep me or was I going to be made a ward of court and returned to the care system?

My mum just left me, saying she didn’t want anything more to do with me.

All alone and back in the care system, where what would start to become a routine, my foster dad abused me.

My foster mum hated me because she knew what my foster dad was doing to me but she didn’t care, she was a sad women who needed to have a man. She hated the attention he gave me but for me this was a normal life everywhere I ended up that was what I expected to receive.

Who could love me ?

I’m damaged goods, besides my own mother couldn’t love me.

In and out of care until I was released into the wild and all I knew how to be was sexual.

For years I lived my life, had children by a man who controlled me by beating me and spying on me to make himself feel like he had control over his life. He thought I was the answer to his messed up life but the fact is, that I was just as messed up.

Years went by and I was going to meet a new friend (Depression) this friend didn’t mind who I was, where I had come from, in fact I was perfect. This friend knew they could control me, how could I explain the overwhelming feeling of being introduce this new friend, it was as if I didn’t want to get to know this new friend.

I was trying to battle with my new friend to leave me alone ,but they didn’t care, I lost complete control and found myself isolating myself from everyone who cared for me, I didn’t care.

I would sleep for days, weeks without talking to anyone. I would ignore the phone calls from worried friends, my new friend had taken over.

One day I saw myself in the bathroom mirror “who is that,OMG it’s me” I had allowed my friend to slowly take control of who I was. I didn’t see it coming, slowly waiting, my friend had be preparing for many years to take over to destroy my world that I had been waiting for, for so long.

My friend the past had finally taken a hold over my every existence, couldn’t explain why I was feeling this way, it was so overwhelming. I couldn’t control myself from slipping away from everyone around me, isolating myself , thinking this was the best way.

Why would I want my friends and family to see me in such a bad way? To see I haven’t had a bath for weeks or brushed or even put a comb through my hair, I wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t leave my house, completely locked myself away from the outside world. My home was my only safe heaven.

On one occasion would I spoken about my mental illnesses, people look at me in dismay, some people would say how on earth can you neglect your self in such a way and maybe they are right but I can’t control the power that was hanging over me. I hate feeling this way I feel like a fraud, I just thought I was going thought a bad time as in the past I have felt depressed and have be able to sort myself out but this time it was different.

What lead into weeks and weeks in bed turned into months, my whole life around me was crumbling down around me and again I had no control. I  felt like I was going mad, scared of my own mind, something had to change but I was so low.  I just couldn’t leave my house.

One day something changed inside me

I couldn’t let my friend control me any longer I had to get help, I finally turned to a really good friend who wasn’t judgmental and would understand and she did.

She took me to the doctors where I just broke down, my doctor referred me for an assessment and I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and OCD and was put on a high dose of meds and therapy in the form of CBT.

Unfortunately ten years on I’m still haven’t recovered,  my doctor told me that I most likely had some form of mental illness as a teenager but didn’t recognised and just kept going until my mind couldn’t take it any longer.

I found that the CBT and other therapies weren’t working, I kept relapsing, I couldn’t stop thinking, analyzing my life, I must be able to find an answer but it wasn’t to be. My childhood was with me know matter what, I had to try to learn to understand it, so two years ago I started attending parliament meetings for looked after children and care leavers and through parliament.

I started to network and I now volunteer as a parent help line adviser @ Youngminds the UK’s leading charity committed to improving the emotional well being and mental health of children and young people. To empower Professional, Careers and Parents, this is really happening me.

I have now realised that I will never forget,  but why not use to help others?

I’ve done a couple off articles and I really want to write a book, not just about me but the complete breakdown of the services that were meant to protect are young, more people need to speak out for things to change and who better than those who have survived the system?

So for me it isn’t about recovery it’s about learning to live with my new best friend ‘mental illness’.