I feel dead inside one women reveals in a comment she left on the blog in regards to a blog post I wrote about depression. I decided to turn the comment into a blog post as I feel many of us can relate to these feelings.
I Feel Dead Inside – A Reader Comments On Depression
Thanks Supermum for writing this article. This is the first time I have googled “does depression ever go away.” I have been dealing with this since the birth of my daughter in ’77. I have waited a lifetime to know I’m Okay and that I will never feel the infinite mood swing from hi-happy, to lo-depressed back in my life.
Now that I’ve been going through menopause, including not getting along with my daughter, or having the type of loving family I fantasize about…I give up almost daily. I can’t count the number of times I have tampered to end my life. I have been on so many anti-depressants, since ’92 and none of them work; they just make feel worse, and I get fatter especially now with menopause….Really!
I needed to have this weight gain to add to my already insecurities about being fat before I was fat! And, I am a workout alcoholic, and even this has been messed with lately by back injuries and now bone spurs….very frustrating.
In 2006, I finally thought I made the right move transferring with my job, finding a mountain valley with mesas where it is quiet. Where there are outdoor activities I like, and my job requires me to drive and work in different working mountain towns, finally I felt away from the crazy, noise polluted lifestyle; it would be different.
This couldn’t be farthest from the truth. I first moved to an area that the economy was over-inflated, house pricing were over the top, and my daily commutes could be up to 450 minute round trips; grocery stores were far from home and gas was higher. All-in-all I thought I could deal with this.
The other half of my drama life came crashing down in 2007 when I realized that the remote town I moved to, I thought I finally met a man I could actually have a relationship with that included having a home and other things we enjoyed. We met playing on a pool league and he had a nice Harley that we would go on rides…one of my passions in my life. He seemed so together, until his true colours came out and I just mentally lost it on this one.
I thought no more, I only attract the worst type of man for me; I’m no good therefore, I attract the no good men in my life. Then as the economy continued to crash in 2008, housing values dropped, so I bought my first home…red flag…my house dropped another $100k in the next three years. There are more foreclosed homes around me and fewer amenities to rely on.
I am miserable, I admit, and I can complain and make other people miserable because who wants to be around a sulker all the time. On the flip side, I can be very upbeat, optimistic, outgoing, loving, caring, forgiving. I can brighten up a co-worker’s mood and make people laugh. I can be fun to be around, at least until a female or male friend or co-worker berates me, esp. behind my back, and then I find out about it.
This can be by what others say to me, or by watching their body language, their 3-dollar phony character or just by their total disgusting attitude. Not everyone is like this, and those friendships are few and far between.
I have worked hard to put myself through college and earn a better life, and make higher income so I can be self-reliant, independent. This isn’t working out as well as I like now either. I work for a state government agency, and no funds for raises, I bought my first home in an area that the value of the homes in the area have dropped by $120,000 – I could lose my home to foreclosure because now of my student loans, my debt ratio is too high, and I’m working to consolidate.
I don’t waste my money by going out to bars or dating or shopping. I’m upset that my daughter is alienating me, and it makes it hard to be with my granddaughter. They both live my Mother and she enables a bad situation, and one reason my relationship with daughter never built into a happy M&D relationship. It’s all very dysfunctional family relationship.
I feel worse, the tags that set me off, are when I am trying to make my life better through higher education, so I can get a better paying job, or work as a freelancer, consultant or online telecommuter etc. I like to be creative and energetic and motivated and I like creating a new business idea that may take off….tho, none really has, so I fizzle. I’ve put myself in debt so badly; I don’t know which next great deal I try will be the one to pull me out.
I feel happiest and more accomplished when I am able to create a product or service that makes other people happy, or it improves his/her knowledge for a better life. Ahhhhhh, but how do I focus on this when I have sooooo many failed attempts, and dealing with depressed anger from financial failures to dysfunctional family encounters.
I feel I’m slipping out-of-touch. I can stay in touch when I get out and do a hard mtn bike ride, jog, or go camping to hike, and ride. And, I have my best friend Mocha dog with me. She is a life savoir.
Yes, my Cognitive behaviour therapist told me I need to be happy, but like others, I don’t know if I have ever been happy. I know what it feels like to be happy for a moment or experience a happy happening, but know what happiness is within me, I have no freaking clue. I grew up in such a dysfunctional home — parents fighting, forced religion,— all the crap I thought I would get to leave when I became an adult, clung to me like Velcro and grew in me.
It pumped me into what I thought I wanted to be. I was a wild partien harley biker gal, doing drugs getting high and have sex with as many men as I could. I jumped jobs ever few months, because I knew my entrepreneurial mindset would have me waving bye with the wind in my face. I grew out of that when my daughter got older and I wanted to be a more responsible parent and provide her a loving home with a mother who cares and wants her to have the best life.
But the damage had already been done; I guess….we have never connected. And now, she is a real bitch to get along with — when I fight with her and then I want to pound her when she is disrespectful to her grandmother she lives (who lets her get away with this) and whom takes care of her great granddaughter. After my last fight with my daughter telling her what a bitch and how disrespectful she is, we haven’t spoken.
This was Oct 2012. I’m trying to reach out and let her know “hey I’m sorry, I mess up, and don’t always do the right things…but nothing comes back. So, I accept I deserve this and I best stay away. But it really triggers the depression around the holiday seasons. So, much so, I hate Christmas, and because it represents shopping for gifts for your loved ones and friends, and/or charities. Plus, I can never afford it. It’s sickening that I can’t even manage enough money these days to give what I want.
I thought this opportune time to work on my Masters in Adult Ed and I studied this online. My goal is to be able to work from home, by increasing my income and reduce my overhead travel expenses. Creating a life I could afford would be simple. Then I could be home, work in my garden, take care of my animals — who do give me so much unconditional love. Plus by being closer to home allowed me to do more outdoor activities and be involved with my community.
Sigh! But with my house looming in the shadows of foreclosure and the thought of creating a profitable work at home career, seems further and further, every time I try to make it happen. Basically no contact with family, and most of the people I know in the area, I don’t care to be involved with, so I am sort of isolated now.
Which I thought by living somewhat isolated, esp. from all the crap that goes on where large groups of people live, my life would be better in a smaller community. At least, I know if I can’t get along with my own family, maybe I can volunteer with an organization for people that don’t have families or have disabilities, then I can feel I’m doing some good to help others.
But, I don’t know if this will ever make me feel like I will never experience depression again. I’ve tried so many things, and now a mindfulness breathing technique, writing things I’m grateful for, praying, and now this website because I hit a low today. Even though I am not dead, I feel dead inside.
My soul is just empty and exhausted, and I’m so tired of trying and believing it will get better, and now I would like to have Electro-shock brain therapy. Just so I can forget the thoughts that cause these U/D episodes
Thanks for letting me post on this site; it does help to write down my thought, as it does clear up any mucked up thoughts.