I have just read your blog and am in tears yet again, because bar the pregnancies, I’m male, your description of your mood swings is exactly like me. I have been recently diagnosed as having Cyclothemia disorder and have probably had it for most of my life. I am now 47. I have had a few suicide attempts recently as I am in the deep depression phase which has broken my relationship with the woman I totally love and adore.
I cry myself to sleep at night and like you have described, pray not to wake to another morning. Prior to the last few months, I was on top of the world nothing really phased me and I was friends to everyone. Now I am alone, scared and broken hearted and wish my life to end. I was told this feeling is transient and will as the definition means…pass. But I don’t feel that.
It was my fault my relationship with the love of my life ended. I drove her away as I had done before with a girlfriend many years ago. I was married for 13 years, have one boy of nine and buried my namesake son 11 years ago as he died in childbirth. I still feel guilty for his death as I couldn’t save him. As I laid him to rest as an angel, I have buried the guilt to the back of my mind. But every now and then it resurfaces and like the mess I’ve made of my life, haunts me.
I rarely sleep as when I do the nightmares begin. I’m scared, alone, looking at four walls which imprison me in my misery. I wish to God I hadn’t this illness as it is 100 times worse than my physical disability of mild cerebral palsy.
No-one understands or even wants to understand how I feel. I have been prescribed Quetiapine XL and Sertraline after two years of Prozac.
I too get frustrated and agitated at delays or conversation on irrelevant topics. I have no interest in what I used to like or got excited about. I have little or no motivation to live day after day. It is not living, it is merely existing.
Lying all over the floor are bills unpaid maxed out credit cards and debt recovery issues. I used to be so in control of money, or so I thought. But the fact is I spent like there was no tomorrow, adopting an attitude of…yeah later…enjoy the moment.
A few months spending at the start of the year and it will take forever to repay as I am now medically retired and on benefits.
I want to thank you for posting your story as I now feel I am not the only one who feels the way I do. I would like to write more but I am feeling the onset again of a crying session over my life and I feel very emotional. Thank you again.
From A Blog Reader