I’m in the midst of an anxious relapse.
I recently was told some shocking information that has rocked me to my core. Something that has been ripping away from something I hold dear.
It is also something that I am, at present, unable to discuss.
I have fallen to the wayside. Stopped taking my medication, started to shun my closest friends. Started to act more like I did when I was a wild teen.
I have reached a crossroads. The time has come to make a decision. Do I keep spiralling downwards in this self-destructive manner, or do I dust myself off and get practical.
The world keeps turning, no matter how much I want it to stop. Decisions are being made that I have no control over. The downside is I need control, but it is the one thing I don’t have over my future right now. So I am trying to exert some over the remaining parts of my life unaffected by the upcoming decision.
However, how do I move on without knowing anything about what is coming?
The biggest part of my self-destruction is evident in my eating. In just 3 weeks I have managed to binge my way up 3 dress sizes. You have to admit that is impressive. It is now so difficult to pull back into any sort of normalcy into my eating, I still have my citalopram sitting in my bag. I haven’t taken it yet, but can see reason to begin again. It lessens the knot in my stomach that I eat to force down.
Writing is what I know, and for the main part also who I am. This is a confession without the actual confession.
When I can talk about this everything will become so much simpler again. And I for one cannot wait for this to happen.