The truth is I find it hard to speak to people so have found it easier to write this down.
For as long as I remember I have felt lonely, empty and completely lost. Now I don’t wish to be boast but I dont lack friends, but I do lack the ability to confide in people, to lay myself bare. But how do I say that even in a room full of people, friends, family I feel alone?
The only way I can describe my depression is it’s like a cloud, sometimes it just creeps up on you then it hangs there for days. No reason for it. I just have to wait for the sunshine to burst through. Only problem is I’ve hit upon a storm and its giving me one hell of a battering.
Even as a child I felt alone, different, not good enough. I had to act like a clown to gain acceptability. My relationship with my parents was poor. I was the youngest of 5 and frankly a pain in the arse.
My mums own mother died when she was just 13 and she blamed this for her lack of parenting skills. I was the original Harry Potter. I was locked in a cupboard under the stairs while my mum went out unable to cope. Then as a teenager, craving a father figure as mine seemed disinterested, I befriended my father’s best mate who sexually abused me at 14, my parents didn’t believe me and I began to self-harm.
My best friend’s boyfriend gave me a few kind words and I fell under his spell. My parents blamed me for being promiscuous and threw me out at 15. I stayed with my sister above the pub where my father’s best friend continued his abuse. At school a young female teacher befriended me. Then she talked about me to all the other girls in school calling me a slut. Again I’m not boasting, but I was a straight ‘A’ student. But that didn’t matter when the most popular female teacher announced I was to be avoided as I was a poisonous slut.
She stole my coursework and called me to the school science lab to watch it burn (She remained popular and later got pregnant by a 14 year old schoolboy and lost her job) . I however couldn’t cope. No friends, no parents, failed exams, no hope. I attempted suicide. I overdosed on 80 co-proximal and a bottle of whiskey.
But it didn’t work.
I returned to school where a teacher noticed I was out of it. My parents were called, they saw me through hospital but the rumours around our street were rife, ashamed, they asked me to leave town. At 15 I was sleeping in a shop earning pittance and there I stayed for 18 months. my parents contacted me and I returned home where we tried to heal our wounds. I started work in an office and there I met my husband. I’d be lying if I said this was a fairy-tale ending. My parents adored him, I loved him, he saved me he was my best friend, but still I felt lonely and empty.
I coped ok, had a few down spells, but we married and then I got pregnant. Before my 1st child was born, my mother died of breast cancer. We’d taken so long to heal our differences and now she was gone !
I don’t feel I’ve ever recovered
2 years later I had another child. I was longing to feel fulfilled but it never happened. After a while I began to realise that I was unhappy, perhaps my marriage was to blame? Then through the Internet I got talking to someone, I felt an instant connection, I fell in love and for the first time in my life I felt complete.
I wasn’t lonely anymore! We got together and soon I feel pregnant. I felt complete! Then my husband took me to court to take my children away. Again I felt suicidal. My children were my life, i couldn’t lose them. I then made the hardest decision of my life. I aborted my pregnancy and left the man I loved to be with my husband, for the sake of my children. I suffered a terrible breakdown as a result.
I have my children, I have my health, a man who loves me and whom I think the world of. But I’m not in love with him. Again the loneliness has sunk in and the despair. Am I happy? No. Have I made the right choice? For my children, maybe. For me I don’t know. I’m still in love with someone else but aborted his baby and pretended I miscarried to be with my husband, I have alienated my family. Put everyone through hell.
Still I smile on the outside and act as the clown. On the inside I’m screaming, maybe I’ll always be lost, alone and depressed, but I’ll never give in fighting for the sake of my kids.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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