The truth is I find it hard to speak to people so have found it easier to write this down.
For as long as I remember I have felt lonely, empty and completely lost. Now I don’t wish to be boast but I dont lack friends, but I do lack the ability to confide in people, to lay myself bare. But how do I say that even in a room full of people, friends, family I feel alone?
The only way I can describe my depression is it’s like a cloud, sometimes it just creeps up on you then it hangs there for days. No reason for it. I just have to wait for the sunshine to burst through. Only problem is I’ve hit upon a storm and its giving me one hell of a battering.
Even as a child I felt alone, different, not good enough. I had to act like a clown to gain acceptability. My relationship with my parents was poor. I was the youngest of 5 and frankly a pain in the arse.
My mums own mother died when she was just 13 and she blamed this for her lack of parenting skills. I was the original Harry Potter. I was locked in a cupboard under the stairs while my mum went out unable to cope. Then as a teenager, craving a father figure as mine seemed disinterested, I befriended my father’s best mate who sexually abused me at 14, my parents didn’t believe me and I began to self-harm.
My best friend’s boyfriend gave me a few kind words and I fell under his spell. My parents blamed me for being promiscuous and threw me out at 15. I stayed with my sister above the pub where my father’s best friend continued his abuse. At school a young female teacher befriended me. Then she talked about me to all the other girls in school calling me a slut. Again I’m not boasting, but I was a straight ‘A’ student. But that didn’t matter when the most popular female teacher announced I was to be avoided as I was a poisonous slut.
She stole my coursework and called me to the school science lab to watch it burn (She remained popular and later got pregnant by a 14 year old schoolboy and lost her job) . I however couldn’t cope. No friends, no parents, failed exams, no hope. I attempted suicide. I overdosed on 80 co-proximal and a bottle of whiskey.
But it didn’t work.
I returned to school where a teacher noticed I was out of it. My parents were called, they saw me through hospital but the rumours around our street were rife, ashamed, they asked me to leave town. At 15 I was sleeping in a shop earning pittance and there I stayed for 18 months. my parents contacted me and I returned home where we tried to heal our wounds. I started work in an office and there I met my husband. I’d be lying if I said this was a fairy-tale ending. My parents adored him, I loved him, he saved me he was my best friend, but still I felt lonely and empty.
But why?
I coped ok, had a few down spells, but we married and then I got pregnant. Before my 1st child was born, my mother died of breast cancer. We’d taken so long to heal our differences and now she was gone !
I don’t feel I’ve ever recovered
2 years later I had another child. I was longing to feel fulfilled but it never happened. After a while I began to realise that I was unhappy, perhaps my marriage was to blame? Then through the Internet I got talking to someone, I felt an instant connection, I fell in love and for the first time in my life I felt complete.
I wasn’t lonely anymore! We got together and soon I feel pregnant. I felt complete! Then my husband took me to court to take my children away. Again I felt suicidal. My children were my life, i couldn’t lose them. I then made the hardest decision of my life. I aborted my pregnancy and left the man I loved to be with my husband, for the sake of my children. I suffered a terrible breakdown as a result.
I have my children, I have my health, a man who loves me and whom I think the world of. But I’m not in love with him. Again the loneliness has sunk in and the despair. Am I happy? No. Have I made the right choice? For my children, maybe. For me I don’t know. I’m still in love with someone else but aborted his baby and pretended I miscarried to be with my husband, I have alienated my family. Put everyone through hell.
Still I smile on the outside and act as the clown. On the inside I’m screaming, maybe I’ll always be lost, alone and depressed, but I’ll never give in fighting for the sake of my kids.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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About The Real Supermum
hugs hunni xxx
Jesus, I am so sorry to read this story. Although I am amazed of your writing skills, it is heartbreaking to read that there is a person out there in the world somewhere dragging all this along with her. If you see me walking down the street, promise me you’ll act like a clown so I can recognize you and tell you that everything is going to be okay?
I can relate to that so well: the acting like a clown to drown your sorrows and try to look like everything’s okay. It’s been my go-to reflex for everything that ever happened to me.
And about your situation: I don’t know what is best to do. At first I would say: “Go for happiness!”, leave your husband and hopefully your child will run along with you. I don’t know what age it is and in which country you live, but in The Netherlands a child from 8 years old gets all the saying in where it wants to live when the parents divorce. Then there’s not much your husband can do in court.
Or run to The Netherlands…
Look, I’m really sorry I can’t be of any better help. But I want to compliment you on the bravery you’ve shown by sharing this story. Regardless of it being anonymous.
Wish you all the best.
Regards,
Daan
Oh Hun I’m so sorry for everything I don’t even no what to say
but you are an amazing mother x
hugs hun i dont know what to say
Big hugs to you hun and well done for sharing. Sorry to hear ti hear what you have been through xx
Hugs hunni
dont no what to say but big hugs to u hun and thank u for sharing ur story xxx
You deserve to be happy and I’d fight my husband for my kids & be with who I loved but it’s easy for someone to say that who’s not in the situation I guess.
Thanks for sharing.
I so hope you find happiness x
Bigs Huns x
dont know what to say really but sending massive hugs x
Don’t know what to say
u have gone through so much u deserve to be happy and not the feelings u have now x
huge hugs hun im not really sure what to say hun but you really deserve to be happy have you thought about seeking legal advice about your children surely he cant just keep them if he has no grounds for it id go see a solicitior even if its just for advice hun big hugs and i trully hope you find your happiness soon xx
I don tknow what to say apart from hugs xx
Big hugs to you. You deserve nothing but happiness. You have been through so much and are such a brave person to be so forthcoming and write about your experience. But well done you and remember you are amazing xx
massive hugs hun. everyone deserves too be happy xx
dont know what to say really apart from big ((hugs)) xx
Don’t no wot to say apart from sending my hugs Hun hope everything works out in the end xx
I cannot quite find the words to say after reading this. All i can do is send hugs..and pray everything works out in the end x
oh hunny i am so sorry