I used to love children. When me and my wife had our son, Danell, it was the happiest day of our lives.
I was an example father: I played and wrestled with him, sang along with all the songs on “Wheels on the Bus”, owned a collection of almost 40 Disney-movies and treated my son with nothing but patience and respect.
The year was 2012. It was the 16th of October. I remember it like it was yesterday.
We were all set for his second birthday: we ordered a Winnie the Pooh-cake at the local bakery, purchased 50 balloons with a giant “2″ printed on them and bought him a cute, blue bunny with a sensor in it so he could play hide and seek with it – you gotta love technology.
We had just spent 400 Euro’s on a toddler-bed, because we thought our baby-boy was getting bigger. Little did we know that what we would be putting in that bed would be a nightmare compared to the “little dream” we took out of the crib that morning.
It had gotten its hands on our cat, Spooky, and started pulling its tail and fur until there was barely anything left of it.
As we were thinking of a way to stop it, my wife improvised and said two words that would trigger a transformation we had never considered possible.
“Danell. No!”
As it clenched its jaws, its skin turned red. Purple almost. It could have been my fear, but just before it stunned us with its attack, the temperature in the room rose to tropical levels.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
The creature that we used to call “Our little cloud” emitted a screeching, almost ultrasonic, noise which my human ears could barely take.
As the noise continued to tear our eardrums apart, it started kicking its legs and waving its arms as if it was communicating with something, somewhere else.
It seemed like it was calling in extra forces. Demonic forces. Forces we couldn’t see, but knew were there as more and more voices joined the noise.
Before I passed out, I remember thinking: Why didn’t I leave it at a church?
Our intelligent little boy that used to make us proud had turned us into deaf, round-shouldered, pathetic wastes of flesh and enslaved us to serve his every need. Left with no choice but to obey him, living in continuous fear of “The No”.
Let this cautious tale be a lesson for you. Whenever you come across one of these creatures, don’t be fooled by their initial cuteness. Do the smart thing and leave it at a church where they can perform proper exorcism. If you don’t, you WILL end up with something like this:
I’m Daan van den Bergh, a blogger/writer currently in the last phases of conquering Neurotic Depression. I cope through (sometimes a little too) creative writing, poetry and ranting about whatever keeps me busy at my blog: I Fkkn Rokk.
About The Real Supermum
Emma, I just wanted to say thank you for this opportunity to guest-blog at The Real Supermum Blog.
A Neurotic View At Terrible Two http://t.co/UDLoS46i
@TheFoolTweets read this lol another dads view of a baby turning into a toddler http://t.co/jSeQzx97
Haha this is brilliant especially the living in fear part but ages 3 & 4 are much worse in my opinion lol x
HAHA! I love it!
Soooooooo true.
Apart from our girls both hit it a couple of months before they turned 2!
Youngest isn’t 2 till Dec but she is DEFO in the terrible 2s!!
Hope your lil boy calms down soon lol x
Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. I hope it was as much fun for you reading it as it was for me writing it.
Emma has just hired me as a SuperDad! So you’ll be seeing more of me regularly and I promise to mix it up every now and then with some funstuff like the post above.
In the meanwhile you can always come visit my blog where I write similar stories (although not all funny) about parenting, politics and society.
Thanks again and I hope I can welcome you some day at http://www.ifkknrokk.com.
Kind regards,
Daan van den Bergh
I had to giggle at some parts of this, its all so true! Having a 4 year old son who still seems to be in the terrible 2 stage some days I just wanna throw him out of the window lol. Good post xx
Haha, well thank you for your honesty! I love how this post triggers everyone to be so honest about the “true feelings” they have for their children.
It’s better to say it and laugh about it than to push it back in, right?
If it made you giggle then I’d say: Mission Accomplished!
Oh god this has me chuckling so much .. my daughters only 16 months but she’s already started with the tantrums god help me when she does hit two!
lol x
A Neurotic View At Terrible Two http://t.co/jSeQzx97
That’s Zach down to a tee, it really could of been written about him, he flipped overnight when he was about 1 and is slowly growing out of it x
“Terrible 2′s” whyyy do they never start at 2? Lol. I was so into the story, such a different way to write it all down x
I know this feeling all too well and got it all to come again x
was there with my son from 18 months old lol got it all to come again from our little girl :/
I had to laugh at this with my two year old i often find myself wondering weather to call supernanny or an exosist!
xx
Thank you so much for all the great reactions! I am so happy I have made you laugh with my post.
Thank you so much, it’s comments like these that makes it great to be a blogger
Ohh how quickly their moods change! My little girl will be playing and laughing and dancing with me, then as soon as I say no, it’s all forgotten! Like I have just taken her favourite toy ever, snapped it and thrown it in the bin right in front of her! Then she snaps out of it just as quick!
If this is what they’re like as toddlers, just imagine what we are in store for when they hit their teens! xx
This post is so funny and very true! This is my daughter down to a tee!! xx
Thank you so much for all the positive, encouraging reactions!
I want to wish all the parents with a child in their terrible two’s all the good luck and strength in the world.
If you want to read more of my rants, please go to http://www.ifkknrokk.com.
Did make me giggle indeed im dreading the terrible twos im sure my son will have them very sooon xxx
lol this is such a funny read, only because its too true! describes the terrible two transition great! x
I’m happy you liked it. As an aspiring author it’s nice to receive the reactions you wished for
Thank you all very much for that.
Lol. This is how my little boy is slowly becoming. We sit and think what a joy to take out he used to be but now trying to put him back into the buggy can be a enormous struggle and then he decides he would like to chuck his food everywhere. Oh dear more to come lol x
Lol! Made me laugh x
this is so true my lg has just got over the terrible 2s an now has started with the tantrums i might just do what on the advent when she kicks off i will aswell might get her to calm down then lol x
It is so great that you guys keep commenting on this post, even though it had been published almost two weeks ago!
Thanks everyone for the great reactions!
Now this is very true and funny Jessica was a nightmare at 2 she isn’t as bad at the min she’s now 3 but people say they get worst as they grow up so I’m waiting for more to come lolxx
this is a great post looks like i have alot to look forward to lol the girls r styill in the pleasant mood
Well, good luck! Haha, every time I think my son can’t get any crazier, he adds a scoop of naughty to the mix!
No, I’m kidding, he’s awesome. It’s just sometimes: Oh… my… God… I just want to jump of the roof of my flat. haha
Well, it is tough. Good luck!
this is so accurate lol i’m going through it right now and i’ve forgot what not having a head ache feels like lol
Hahaha, that is the best comment so far. You are so right, they can be sooooo annoying.
Right now, my son is going through his parrot-stage and he can seriously ask you the same thing 100 times in a row: Daddy? Candy? Daddy? Candy? Daddy? Candy? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
When I wrote this post a month ago it wasn’t even that bad, compared to what it is now…
Haha this is such a good read..iv been through it with my 5 year old and yet to go through it with my 6month old….wish me luck lol xx