Life has been hard, but I keep things to myself. Only a few very close friends and my husband know about these things, so the opportunity to write something anonymously is hopefully going to be a cleansing one and one which might help others who have gone through similar experiences.
Life was ok until I was 11, when I was sexually abused and my mum left the family home. My behaviour quickly deteriorated at school, grades plummeted and I started drinking and smoking. School teachers didn’t care, yet I can’t see how they didn’t realise something was desperately wrong. The sexual abuse was to last 3 years. I began to struggle with eating disorders and suicidal feelings. I attempted suicide on several occasions, the first in my bedroom, surrounded by my dolls.
I am in my mid thirties now and have children of my own and when I think back to how vulnerable I was it’s still upsetting. I went to Uni, not my first choice as I didn’t get the grades I needed, but I thought if I got away from where I grew up everything would be fine. How wrong I was… I committed suicide a few more times, got taken by ambulance to hospital, left in a corner, and then finally was seen by a psychiatrist. I didn’t like him, so pretended I was fine and got discharged pretty quick.
Through pregnancy I was very ill with pregnancy complications, in and out of hospital and also depressed. After each birth I plunged into this seemingly eternal darkness and had health visitors, a most wonderful doctor (who ultimately saved my life) and a mental health crisis team looking after me. The mother and baby unit was mentioned but I had another child at home and again, the over-riding “I can’t leave my children” took over and I felt unable to go there. I’m very good at pretending and felt I could easily say “yes I’m fine” to get everyone off my back. A big turning point was seeing my doctor and taking him all the pills I had ready for another suicide attempt.
Most of my adult life I’ve been on and off medication for depression and anxiety and seen countless psychologists, eating disorder specialists and other professionals. Nothing seems to help, I just bury it, until once a month or sometimes a bit longer if my family are lucky, I explode. The anger is all consuming and I can’t control it. It’s like looking from outside the situation. I know I would never hurt anyone but myself, but I also realise that if I did succeed in killing myself it would hurt my children, and I’m determined not to leave my children as my mum did to me.
At the end of the day, life is too short already and I owe it to my children to survive each day, for them.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
You can read many more Inspirational Stories of hope and courage on the blog.
You could help us share the blogs love to helping others by sharing via the social sharing buttons bellow.
Related articles
About The Real Supermum
keep bein strong hun xx well done xxx hugs xxx
One word hun amazing. You are so strong and thats one of the best things to be. Well dont you and massive hugs xxxx
keep strong hun big hugs
What an awful thing to happen to you. I wish I could help. I’m in the process of getting my children sorted out in the event of anything happening to me. I’m changing one child’s surname to that of her father’s and then putting more legalities in place so that if anything happens to me then I know whole heartily that they will be safe with their dad and no one else. That to me puts my mind at rest. I hope that helps you and maybe you could see a physiologist instead of a psychiatrist, a psychologist will help you without medicating you. They help with the whys and the triggers of where these feelings come from. Please stay around for as long as possible. It will hurt the children if you are not around. The group is here anytime you need us xxxxxx Stay safe xxxxxx
you are a strong woman, your children r very lyucky to have u asa mother and as a role model xx
Big huug huni sooo strong well done for writing this xxx
Killing Myself Would Hurt My Children http://t.co/p6xqJNRH
Ur a brave lady hun to post this i hope u feel u got it off ur chest xxxx((((hugs))))
i hope by speaking out u have got it all of ur chest ur extremely brave hun and alot stronger than u probally realise hugs to u xxx
very brave lady… your stronger than you think hun… your children are very lucky to have you
xxx
Keep being strong hugs x
big hugs hun as others have said stay strong x
I’m not a mom, but I am a single dad. I know how you feel in a way. I have alot I hold inside. I just lost my job because of a nervous breakdown. I just keep thinking about what i’m going to do next. My children are the only thing in my life holding me together right now. My son said just yesterday” dad I want grow up and save a life just once would be good” after hearing him say that I had tears falling like rain. He didn’t realise he already did :’) god bless you, and stay strong…