My eldest daughter was going to nursery by now and I missed her so much, I would even stay close to the nursery in case they needed to phone me, although I only lived a ten minute walk away, I had to stay close. We had a very strong bond and I could not bear to be away from her. I developed anxiety and panic attacks around this time and it became a struggle for me. I hid it best I could as she was thriving at nursery and thankfully despite the home life she was a happy and well adjusted little girl.
My little girl sat at our solid oak dining table one afternoon and was quite happily drawing on the sheets of white paper, she was very advanced and extremely creative, unlike me who found it hard to even draw as much as a square.
I was pottering around in the kitchen, the music quietly played out and it was just another ordinary day. I had a large growing pile of pictures she had drawn for me when she proudly stood in front of me and handed me another.
Usually I would tell her how great it was and how clever she was but this picture touched a raw nerve and it stopped me in my tracks.
“ It’s a very beautiful picture” I told her “ Can you tell me who the people are”?
She stood matter of factly, with her hands on her hips and replied “ My family”
There stood three people, a big person a little person and a tiny person.
The big person is daddy is proudly told me as he was the boss of our house so had to be the biggest, he stood with a nice big red smile across his face.
The little person was mummy, who had blue dots on her face, I asked her why I had blue spots on my face and she told me the blue spots were tear drops as mummy cried and never smiled, so I was not allowed a big red smiley face as I was sad and not happy.
The tiny person was her, thankfully she wore a big red smile.
Quite ironic that a three year old child could feel my emotions and know how unhappy I was, yet my family and the few friends I had never realised or if they did they never asked me.
I gave birth to my second daughter a few months later and life resumed as normal. I would stay for 11 years in total.