Xmas In My House Last Year
Can you buy your children’s affection with gifts?
I have been guilty of buying my children gifts when I have been consumed by guilt that I was ill or not spending enough time with them when I was a full time working mothers. But can you buy your children’s affection with gifts?
You may have read the letter I wrote to my children to apologise for missing two years of their life due to mental illness and during this time I lavished gifts upon them, I suppose as some form of compensation for me being unwell.
You cannot buy a child’s affection and I understand that my children were never neglected or unloved during that time in my life, yet I felt guilty. I made myself feel less guilty by buying presents for them.
I do admit that my children do not overly appreciate the value of items and my 9 year old son is a prime example. He has every child’s Xbox game made, yet if you were to look none would be in the correct cases, perhaps under his bed not even in cases. There has been a good amount of time passed since I was ill and now I am in a much better place, I have witnessed what damage I did.
They do not beg for things, it’s not to that degree but when I do now buy them gifts there is a simple thank you and never any excitement.
I have changed
My children now have to earn rewards and by doing age appropriate tasks around the home can build up their pocket money each week. This has proved to be a great way for them to start to learn the cost of items and they do look after the items they have earned. Rather than being given everything on a plate, they not have to work for them as such.
The challenge will be at Christmas time, I want to at least half the amount of gifts they receive, I will no longer feel guilty wondering if we have bought them enough, they each have ten presents to date already and I have spent well over a good amount. Yes I will buy more but within the set limit we have agreed as a couple.
You should never have to buy your children’s affection with gifts as it is you that makes the perfect gift to them, yet at that time when I was struggling, I did not see that.
Can you buy your children’s affection with gifts? What do you think ….
About The Real Supermum
Ill admit this year has been a bad year for my family. My childrens grandad died on my sons 7th birthday and in effect it meant he now associates that day with death. The lasting effects of that include much family upheaval within my partners family as it was his father and the children have witnessed his grief and his sisters all turn on each other. Even months on it still ripples on, so i buy them things when i can. It started as a way of showing my son that he can have presents without it meaning something bad will happen. I wanted him to have the birthday presents he never had on the day. But i cant buy one without the others so they have all been spoilt. The result of that is they came to expect them all the time and i just couldnt do it. I realised i had made a rod for my own back and three months ago introduced the pay as you go scheme to them. If they do a chore they get 50p. My nine year old daughter had £25 after two months and worked hard. She bought herself two pairs of leather boots, a book and some sweets and i was happy to let her as she earned her money and saved up well. Every month she earns now about £10 by doing jobs but shes saving up again. My 11 year old son by contrast earned £2 he just wanted something for nothing and i refused. Im sticking to it and they now earn the money to buy their gifts i think that is much healthier and better than me trying to bribe them into behaving or making up for something i cant change.
At xmas they will be spoilt as much as i can, i always do. When your a kid xmas is about lots of presents, but im taking the time this year to choose their presents with care. Its not just random things. I think thats a good thing.
<3
I don’t think you can. I think they would much rather spend quality time with the parent/parents and feel loved by being hugged and kissed than to have things brought for them. Plus it doesn’t help them learn the value of things. I mean don’t get me wrong i love buying stuff for my son and could spend all the money in the world on him but i wouldn’t do it to buy his love. Lots of hugs and kisses and quality time for that =D xx
i dont think you can buy their affection… this is an argument me and the ex have as he does not see my lg but says hes putting money in an account for when shes 18.. which is fair enough…. i however cant do that because im the one buying everything she needs for now… but when she is 18 she will be given a load of money by him and i hope she can look back and remember it was me that has been there anytime she needed me and gave her everything she needed (not wanted)…. xx
I don’t think you can buy their affection with gifts. My ex has showered them with gifts in the past, knowing full well I could not afford too. My youngest girl (now 14) has not been bought with his behaviour. She doesn’t like the way he behaves towards her and feels he doesn’t feel that bothered by her. However she knows I am always there for her and now I am ill, it has made me look to being a better parent….I listen to her, I support her, I tell her how proud I am….this makes a massive difference to her. However, my eldest (now 16) lives with her Dad, as he can provide all the ‘labels’ and ‘things’ she insists she needs. I hate this, and I hope one day she realises that love is not measured in money xx
I think we all want the best for our children and that includes wanting them to have the best things! We cant buy love. Every year i always panic i havn’t done enough i think that is just called being a mum! x
No I don’t think I can, I always set a budget and yes I go over but only by the odd pound it’s about quality not quantity x
no you cant buy your child my mum was a single parent and worked full time to provide for me she brought me anything i wanted i guess because of guilt that she wasnt there and all i really wanted was her so i work part time whilst my son grows up and spend my time wisely with him i have gone a bit over the top for christmas and birthday but he doesnt have much through the year xx
ifi have the money i will buy ellie n holly something nothing huge but ill buy them something like colour books or little bitsof craft stuff and they like it x i dont tend to do it around their bdays or christmas
no you can make then like you for a bit while the gifts are new. but then again nothing wrong with spoiling em once in a while
I dont think you can actually buy affection..its got to be there in the first place. Nothing wrong with treating your kids!
x
i admit i always get my lg treats, pretty much everyday and this year for xmas shes has been spoilt rotten, with everything that has been going on with me lately with the hospital (the mums on emmas page will know what i mean) i have been short with her at times, when normally i would be more understanding, i sometimes keep forgetting how young she is, anyway when i sohut at her for something petty i go and get her a chocoalte or biscuit, or if we go town i buy her a little something, know this isnt the way ot go because shes gonig to end up extremely spoilt, i think we are all guilty of this at times even though we know we shouldnt x
No amount of gifts can make up for the love you have for your children and they in turn will learn this. Small children tend to see it as “if you love me you’ll get me….” but that’s not how it works. Love is about being their for them, looking after them and caring for them. A spoilt child isn’t any more loved than one who doesn’t get many gifts, it just means the spoilt childs parents have more money. And money can’t buy happiness and love x
It’s not wrong to want to shower your children in gifts though, just mean that it doesn’t mean you love them anymore
I personally believe you can not and should not attempt to buy ur childs affection with gifts or money instead you could reward their gud behaviour with gifts ? And do extra nice things together 1 on 1 time etc sorry if i sound harsh i didnt mean to x
wat u did i dont class that as buying ur children i thinik thats more a mother spoiling there child after been through a tough time which is diff ….. buying a child a expencive pressie coz u not seen them in months or brocken to many promises just to try n get back in their good books n get them to love u is wrong xx
Money dose not buy love
nothing wrong with buying gofts, but money dont buy you love, x
children will always pick spending time with their parents rather than items x
<3 xxx
I would not recommend it. The picture of all the presents above reminded me of my child’s Christmas’. I spoiled her trying to make up for giving her a rotten drug addict father. The result was a disrespectful spoiled rotten brat, who just told me I was dead to her. I wasn’t dead to her when I gave her a vehicle and bought her two. Now that the mommy money tree is dead as I told her, she’ll find out how tough life is without me or should I say my money. Me…I have more money than ever to spoil myself with because I learned and I am not going to do the same to my grandchildren. I demand respect and until I get it she is dead to me also!
You can try to buy your childs affection with gifts, may work short term but what if you can’t afford it in the future, they’ll be so used to it that they’ll be so upset. You need to shower your children with love, affection and attention, this is all they truly need from you (apart from a home and food and clothes etc) xx