I became very ill with undiagnosed BPD Borderline personality Disorder when my children were 2, 11 and 15.
My two older children chose not to see me and at their age, how could I force them. It left an emptiness in my life and I missed them terribly.
Visitation of my youngest was decided by the courts. Every other weekend and every Thursday. My ex made seeing her very difficult. The guilt I felt for not being at home with her left me feeling powerless to fight back. So I accepted what I got and relished each moment,
My ex soon moved 45 minutes away to another county. For a short while I didn’t have a car. Public transportation is inefficient at best in San Diego. Again I was left at his mercy since he would have to bring her and pick her up from where I lived.
Unfortunately, there were weekends scheduled were I let her down. Consumed with erratic bouts of debilitating depression left me unable to see her. Her visit would of amounted to watching me sleep and cry.
As she got older and I became more stable our visits became more frequent. My ex married a wonderful woman and we became friends. She was my biggest advocate and made sure I saw my daughter more often. Sadly they divorced. I truly think my daughter and I mourned the loss of “Mama Tami” more than my ex did. Tami and I are still great friends even tho she left San Diego for North Dakota. She was a blessing for both Olivia and I.
Ex became difficult once again and we were back to the nonsense from years past.
Olivia is 14 now. Over all these years we have built a really amazing relationship. We have always had two days before Christmas. We call it “Christmas Eve, Eve” and have built our own traditions that we both hold dear. She also comes a couple days before her Birthday and every year wants me to make the same heart shape cake that I have been making for her for years.
Considering the gaps in our visits, we are very close. I have a better relationship with her then I do with my older children who both refuse to acknowledge my illness.
Olivia on the other hand has only known me with BPD and I have been very open with her about it. She has a very good understanding of the disorder and an awful lot of understanding for a girl her age.
At 14 she is busy being a teenager and HS student. We text and talk on the phone nearly everyday and I am who she confides in. We have an unspoken level of trust.
She doesn’t want to come down to San Diego as often now that she is a teen and I completely understand. I was a child of divorce as well and as a teen it’s all about friends. We talked about it. She felt so guilty for putting off our weekends. I assured her that I completely understand, and to let go of the guilt. She’s doing exactly what she should be doing at her age.
Our bond is strong because we have put a lot of effort into our relationship. Texting/talking keeps me up to date on her daily life more than any other time in her life. She sends me pictures of what she’s wearing to school some mornings, drawings she’s done even pics of the boy she likes.
I am grateful for every little bit of it. We’ve made it against some very difficult hurdles. I tell her always, ” I love you to the moon and back”! She responds with “I love you to the farthest galaxy”.
She’s a wise and wonderful young girl…and I had a part in that. How fortunate for us both!
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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