I was diagnosed with bipolar last year,having suffered with depression and “issues” for around 12years. I didn’t feel anyone was listening,I was fobbed off and patted on the head.
Then things came to a head when the constant noise in my head got too much. My sight went fuzzy and everything went black. When I came to I was told id taken an overdose. I don’t remember doing it,just remember feeling desperate. Its never been voices I hear,just white noise,constant and it fills my head until I can’t take any more.
Finally people heard me. I was given tablets,people to talk to. I started to feel better. Then the health visitor came round,started questioning my parenting abilities. This really scared me and my husband. And so I stopped talking,or rather told them what they wanted to hear. I painted on a smile,took my pills and pretended I was ok for fear of losing the kids.
But I wasn’t ok. Far from it. I was hurting so much inside,constant anguish and anxiety threatened to suffocate me ,I needed a way to ease the internal battle. I found it in a craft knife. As I slowly dragged it along my thigh and watched the blood trickle down my leg,I smiled.
I was alive
This became a regular thing.
I don’t know what gave me the idea
I remember seeing the blade and getting excited; feeling something other than dread. It didn’t stop there. Id burn myself, punch myself. Anything to make myself feel!
My husband found out,how could he not with cuts so deep they bled for days. I again sought help. Again became terrified of losing my kids.
Its never really been resolved. I think about hurting myself most days. But I don’t. I take things one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour. I box (inflicting pain through exercise) and I smile, sometimes I laugh hysterically. And it helps,and I carry on the best I can.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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