I was diagnosed with bipolar last year,having suffered with depression and “issues” for around 12years. I didn’t feel anyone was listening,I was fobbed off and patted on the head.
Then things came to a head when the constant noise in my head got too much. My sight went fuzzy and everything went black. When I came to I was told id taken an overdose. I don’t remember doing it,just remember feeling desperate. Its never been voices I hear,just white noise,constant and it fills my head until I can’t take any more.
Finally people heard me. I was given tablets,people to talk to. I started to feel better. Then the health visitor came round,started questioning my parenting abilities. This really scared me and my husband. And so I stopped talking,or rather told them what they wanted to hear. I painted on a smile,took my pills and pretended I was ok for fear of losing the kids.
But I wasn’t ok. Far from it. I was hurting so much inside,constant anguish and anxiety threatened to suffocate me ,I needed a way to ease the internal battle. I found it in a craft knife. As I slowly dragged it along my thigh and watched the blood trickle down my leg,I smiled.
I was alive
This became a regular thing.
I don’t know what gave me the idea
I remember seeing the blade and getting excited; feeling something other than dread. It didn’t stop there. Id burn myself, punch myself. Anything to make myself feel!
My husband found out,how could he not with cuts so deep they bled for days. I again sought help. Again became terrified of losing my kids.
Its never really been resolved. I think about hurting myself most days. But I don’t. I take things one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour. I box (inflicting pain through exercise) and I smile, sometimes I laugh hysterically. And it helps,and I carry on the best I can.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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How awful of that health visitor. I’m so sorry you had to go through that =(
I hope one day it gets resolved.
**hugs** xxx
I wanted to start by saying that being able to say I self harm is a hugely courageous act so well done!
I understand completely about painting a smile on your face, and the need to self harm.
Every day you dont self harm is a defeat for that particular feeling so well done on that too. Xx
<3 i dont know what to say, i hope things get sorted for you soon, and you feel happier xx
Aw hun I honestly have no idea what to say but hats off to you for talking to people and getting the help you need! If you ever need anyone to talk to you know where Emma and the rest of us are x
You never mentioned whether you have spoken to someone professional? Perhaps getting help would help a bit- even if it means not bottling up your feelings/thoughts! x
i hate that people are made to feel like they cant be honest for fear of people judging their parenting. it only makes thing worse, well done to you for being able to speak about it x
I hope u get things sorted soon
xxx
you’re a very brave woman for not only speaking out but finding new ways to out let your feelings. I’m sorry you had what sounds like a bitch for a health visitor, you’d think they would have some training wouldn’t you eh ? xxx
i know how that feels hun thats why i get so many tattoos and piercings x
hugs hope things get sorted for you xx
I was a self harmer on and off for a period of 10 years. I am happy to say that I haven’t done it for around 6 years now and have only had a few cravings in that time. I hope you receive the support you need. With support, there is absolutely no reason why you can’t provide a positive parenting model for your children.