My depression had hit rock bottom my boyfriend had walked in on me cutting myself, I was sat on the floor pouring with blood sobbing my heart out, I didn’t know what I had done wrong.
I was expecting him to wrap his arms around me and say it will all be ok, But instead he looked at me called me a twat walked out the room and packed his bags and left me. I was heartbroken. That pushed me over the edge our relationship wasn’t great but it was ok for me I had been with him for 4 years I’m now 18.
He had left me sat sobbing bleeding on my own with 2 young children; I didn’t know what to do. That moment I carried on cutting myself, I remembered just sitting there hoping he’d come back but he didn’t. Weeks passed no phone call nothing he threatened me with Social Services and court.
He sent threatening texts, so were the phone calls, I felt worthless and like my children could do better. All those weeks I sat thinking maybe he was right maybe I was a crap mum, maybe my kids did deserve better.
One night I received a text message from him saying “You are stupid childish and pathetic, the kids don’t deserve a mother like you. Your unfit, don’t worry Social Services will know about it all you silly little bitch”
Well that pushed me over the edge. That night I bathed, fed the kids and put them to bed, all that day I had planned what I was going to do, put the kids to bed lock the door and do it. So that’s what i did, I put the kids to bed said my goodbye’s told them how much i loved them, locked my door and went into my room.
I remember thinking to myself I’m better off dead, my kids didn’t need me, no one loved me, I was just worthless.
I took one pill after another until I had finished 2 packs of my antidepressants. I took an overdose while my children slept upstairs. I started feeling shaky, sick and dizzy. I didn’t know what to do so I rang my mum and she rang the ambulance, That moment I knew it was a mistake.
I didn’t want to die
I loved my kids
The ambulance arrived and the paramedic turned around to me and said “what did you do that for you silly girl you have children” I felt so small at that moment. I got to hospital; I was alone as my mum had the children. All the doctors were staring and talking about me.
I could hear them say “she has two kids why would she do that?”
I just wanted to fall into a pit, I felt so stupid.
I had blood tests done all night and was taken into ward 101 with 24/7 monitoring, I wasn’t even allowed out for a fag as they thought I’d do something. I was watched all night and then saw a psychiatrist in the morning.
I just sat and sobbed everything out to her. I felt so stupid and to this day I can’t ever forgive myself, I hate myself for what I did. I was selfish to even think of leaving my children.
If you ever feel the way I did talk to someone even if its online it helps, I wish I had the strength too then as now I have Social Services on my back for support and the health visitor around every week to check me. To be sure I am not a risk to my children, be trying to commit suicide again.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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