I don’t know how it happened, when or why but bipolar stole my friends. I can only assume that once my real life friends discovered that I had a contagious illness they all stopped phoning, stopped calling and would rather cross over the road then walk passed me.
I don’t blame them
In reality they were not trying to hurt me I do not think, they were frightened, I lost friends because they were afraid of me.
Frightened of me, the women they had known for years, shared endless cups of tea with, their secrets and their fears, yet now they feared me
Perhaps they did not know what to say to me?
I lost friends because of bipolar
I lost friends at a time in my life when I needed them the most
Understanding I had a mental illness was not that difficult, despite being mentally screwed up even I knew normal people did not feel and behave the way I was.
I have never felt so alone, so afraid, so needy, yet I had nobody to confide in. I began to lock everything up inside, it was a way to cope, to save the shame and embarrassed descending upon my family.
What would the neighbours say if they knew?
My husband would have to warn anyone coming into our home that I was “not well”, fearing I might make a spectacle out of myself. Those words hurt. He did not mean to hurt me; he was trying to protect me and making excuses for me before I gave anyone a chance to judge me.
My heart aches for friendship, to be accepted still
I cannot bring back those two and a half years of my life, where all control was taken away from me. I wish I could, I would change so many things.
I am sorry for all the friends I lost, I feel more hurt knowing they were not really friends in the first place. Friends don’t leave you when you’re down on the floor, I have learned that a true friend would pick you back up and if they couldn’t, would lie down on the floor right next to you, because that’s what I would do for a friend.
Do I have friends? I am not too sure. I believe I have a small handful of real life friends; I could count them on one hand. Those friends I would tell “some” of my fears too, I say “some” as I prefer to suffer in silence. These friends I would trust to look after my children, they are the ones who have read everything I have shared here on the blog about my life and living with bipolar and they still come to see me.
It can be very lonely at times living with a mental health illness; it steals so much of your life. I am sorry that my friends were not able to see passed the stigma, as they lost a true friend. It’s quite surreal how I have come full circle, that I now have a whole bunch of online friends and never get the chance to feel lonely.
I needed support when I was suffering and nobody was there for me and I never want to feel that way again.