I hate myself so much at times and right now I just want to cry, I have received the fantastic opportunity to be on The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 tomorrow, yet it would mean traveling to London, tonight. Its at least 9 hours away and although some without anxiety would also be apprehensive I can’t even go to the Supermarket alone some days.
They have offered to cover my travelling and accommodation costs, all I can do is make excuses for myself hiding the truth.
I hate living this way, I don’t want to be or feel the way I do. I have got so much better than I was two and a half years ago but when things like this arise I take 10 steps back. I am reminded of what a freak I am. Not being able to leave my own house, always needing someone with me. I am a wife and a mother to 6 yet need a babysitter for myself.
I want the confidence to do these things, I want to be out there and shouting from the rooftops I am living the dream I always wanted, I have beaten this yet I never will.
The medications mask over the pain, but they do not stop that yearning aching feeling that I dream to be someone other than me.
When will this fear end?
Anxiety and fear is plaguing my life, its preventing me from doing so much.
I have begged the mental health team to give me tools so I can learn to manage my anxiety yet nothing. Take your meds Emma they tell me, they will help. I don’t want your potions I want to live not survive.
I am angry with myself, frustrated and feel a failure.
I have come so far, yet still so far away from reaching my goals.
I have even had Facebook friends offer to come with me, a Twitter follower offer to meet me in London yet the sheer thought of doing it has left me a nervous wreck.
I am tired of needing to always hold someone’s hand, why the hell do I fear the outside world so much. What or who else can hurt me as much as I have already been hurt?
I want these feelings to stop; I want to face my fears yet am not strong enough.
This is when I despise who I am.
About The Real Supermum
Im the same. Can’t leave my house alone. I have to always have someone with me. 27 with two kids and yet my move has been staying with us for 9months coz I can’t do anything on my own
you are not a freak or failure, not in the slightest!! you are not the first and definitely wont be the last who want to do something but cant bring them self to do it. you cant magic everything overnight, it takes many months – years even to make achievements that are unthinkable now, you will do it, one day =) ((((((hugs))))))
If I could get a babysitter I would fill up my trusty micra and get you myself and deliver you straight to the studio and take you home again! Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re not a freak! You’re amazing!
Hun I know how you feel I never leave the house alone theses days. Will get through it someday huge hugs to you!! Xxxx
Please don’t think you’re a freak or a failure
You’re an amazing woman and you WILL get where you want to be.
Keep pestering the mental health team, they don’t do anything unless you do.
Trust me, I know all too well.
I read this to my OH and he said it reminds him so much of all the things I’ve said to him.
Although we’ve not been through exactly the same things, I think we share quite a few of them.
You’re not alone sweetie and a lot of us understand how you feel
Stay Strong, love you x
Aw Emma, don’t beat yourself up so much. It’s a big ask and like you say it would make someone without anxiety nervous even, take it easy on yourself, you do so much, you can’t do everything……one day you will get there, you’ve come so far and you want to go even further, it just takes time and love x
Turning Down A TV Opportunity Because Im A Freak http://t.co/u2YAY9oI #atos #dwp #dpac
You really are an inspiration hun to people hun I often sit and think about how strong you are and how you have battled through so much everyone has set backs in life hun some more then others and opportunitys come and go don’t feel bad for not being able to do it you need time hun your not a freak sorry if I don’t help just didn’t want to read and not comment when you are such an inspiration to so many mums out there I for one am inspired and amazed how you have come out the other side of things xxxxxxx
I knw exactly how u feel hun jus remember how far u have come nt how far away u are we are always closer than we think positivity is key x
I’m the same also, I think I’m getting stronger now but it’s taken a hell of a long time. I try to tell myself things happen for a reason so why not think to yourself that it may not have been good for you to go on The Wright Stuff? You may not have been portrayed in a good light so maybe it’s best you didn’t go. Think positive!
I know this all too well 8(( RT @mmaher70: Turning Down A TV Opportunity Because Im A Freak http://t.co/a1FmZoyd #atos #dwp #dpac
TV is exploitative crap anyway, so you made the right decision, don’t beat yourself up over it
Turning Down A TV Opportunity Because Im A Freak http://t.co/DZcpiLc5
Emma your amazing xx
The real reason I never attend blogging events, I appologise as would be great to meet you all x @tots100 @BritMums http://t.co/DZcpiLc5
Emma I’m sure things will turn around, you are a wonderful woman with a beautiful family and a large number of loyal friends!
Oppurtunities will come and go and you have to do what is right for you! And right now that is to not go! Hugs hun xxx
You weren’t meant to go to that one – It’s gonna pish down with rain, the hotel would have been rubbish, the trains would have been delayed … everything happens for a reason. Another opportunity will come along and you will be ready for that one. Here’s a great saying for you “Goals are set in stone, timing is set in sand” x
emma, u are not a freak..id not do it on my own either and i think a lot of people would be the saem, its a big thing going to london is a mad place. its crazy been 2 times and im glad people were with me cause i was scared even with them lol..everyone is in a rush to get everywhere there..it was short notice too in my eyes that would make me panic even more so dont beat your self up about this xx
Tbh Hun I wouldn’t of done it either. The thought of millions of ppl judging me while I bare my soul on national tv, even the thought fills me with dread
Emma you’re amazing, you need to stop putting yourself down all the time .. I wouldn’t have done it myself I don’t really suffer from anxiety so I can’t even put myself in your position ..
I’ve just had this feeling cause I had to go to the shop. I bought two things I shouldnt have bought but the anxiety riddles me. I’ve eaten two packets of crisps and I know I shouldnt cause they make me go funny, yet I still did it. I now have to face one of two school runs. I hate it, I’d rather not do it at all. The sheer panic and feeling of being a big fat horrible frumpy mommy while the rest of them are there in their expensive clothes and the horror of being around other people, it just is awful. I feel your pain with you on a continuing basis. I’m a weirdo. I now have a headache.
Don’t beat yourself up about it Hun, x
Your not a freak hunnie. Your an inspirationx
Hugs Emma, one day I hope you get through it xxxxxX