I hate myself so much at times and right now I just want to cry, I have received the fantastic opportunity to be on The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 tomorrow, yet it would mean traveling to London, tonight. Its at least 9 hours away and although some without anxiety would also be apprehensive I can’t even go to the Supermarket alone some days.
They have offered to cover my travelling and accommodation costs, all I can do is make excuses for myself hiding the truth.
I hate living this way, I don’t want to be or feel the way I do. I have got so much better than I was two and a half years ago but when things like this arise I take 10 steps back. I am reminded of what a freak I am. Not being able to leave my own house, always needing someone with me. I am a wife and a mother to 6 yet need a babysitter for myself.
I want the confidence to do these things, I want to be out there and shouting from the rooftops I am living the dream I always wanted, I have beaten this yet I never will.
The medications mask over the pain, but they do not stop that yearning aching feeling that I dream to be someone other than me.
When will this fear end?
Anxiety and fear is plaguing my life, its preventing me from doing so much.
I have begged the mental health team to give me tools so I can learn to manage my anxiety yet nothing. Take your meds Emma they tell me, they will help. I don’t want your potions I want to live not survive.
I am angry with myself, frustrated and feel a failure.
I have come so far, yet still so far away from reaching my goals.
I have even had Facebook friends offer to come with me, a Twitter follower offer to meet me in London yet the sheer thought of doing it has left me a nervous wreck.
I am tired of needing to always hold someone’s hand, why the hell do I fear the outside world so much. What or who else can hurt me as much as I have already been hurt?
I want these feelings to stop; I want to face my fears yet am not strong enough.
This is when I despise who I am.