I understand how it feels to want to hurt your baby, I have been there and I know how frightened and how ashamed you are feeling right now.
I want to assure you that you’re not evil and you have no reason to feel guilty about having these feelings, but we must get you some support.
You can read my very own experience of how postnatal depression made me want to harm my baby. You are not alone.
What I need you to do is to be strong and ensure your baby is in a safe place. If you feel the urge to hurt your baby, or to scream and shout then go outside, go into another room and count until you feel you are back in control.
If you are extremely worried that you might hurt your baby, then you need to phone a friend, a family member or the police straight away. Explain to them that you have no control over your thoughts and your baby is at risk.
The best thing I ever did was to make an emergency appointment with my doctor. I was frightened just as you are now, I feared that if I told the truth they would take my baby away from me, but this is not going to happen.
Right now you are not mentally well and you need health professionals to help you get better. They will not think that you are a bad mother. You love your baby yet you’re having a hard time coping at the moment.
“Depressed mothers often worry that they might hurt their baby, this is very rare. Occasionally, through utter tiredness and desperation, you might feel like hitting or shaking your baby. Many mothers occasionally feel like this, not just those with PND. In spite of having these feelings at times, most mothers never act on them. If you do feel like this, tell someone.”
There are a variety of treatments that will help you get better. You have to speak out, if not for you then please do this for your baby.
There are medications, talking therapies and counselling available. There are support networks and specialists who can help you. People are out there to listen and not to judge.
Please speak out and tell somebody – you can contact me for a list of online resources that will be able to help you right now.