I don’t ever remember a time when my own mother told she loved me, I can’t hug my children, is the reason why because I was never hugged by own mother, that it has somehow been engraved upon my own parenting skills?
Please do not mistake me, if my children were to fall and hurt themselves in some way no matter how small, I automatically run to them and scoop them up and smother them in kisses and hold them close. When they are ill I will rock them gently to sleep on my lap, but once they reach a certain age I just can’t reach out to them and hug them.
I do not much like physical contact, I do not feel comfortable if friends were to grab me in a bear hug, would rather not be touched at all. But I am a mother and I cant hug my children, this tears me up inside.
I do wonder if I am failing my children and I do feel guilty that I am not a huggy mum. I have no problem when they are babies, but once they reach a more grown up age I just feel the barriers go up. It feels even unnatural to embrace them.
I do believe that this stems back to my own children, I was never taught that physical love between mother and daughter happened.
There is only so much I can feel guilty for and I am trying each day to grab one of them and hug them, for no reason, just because.
What hurts most of all is when one of my children run to me and hug me, which they often do.
I freeze and feel my body tense
I am very good at hiding it, but inside I am trembling. The fear of being touched, even by my own children at times is difficult to bare.
I have asked for help in this area, again I have never been given support. I will keep trying each day and I hope that one day it will feel more natural to me.