Anxiety is exhausting. My brain has frazzled into a little ball I am sure as its freaking out at everything and anything lately. The children run through the kitchen like the speed of light and my heart stops, I feel my body tense, my breathing grows rapidly and my hearts beats so hard that I fear it’s going to jump right out of my chest.
The children are laughing and screeching and having fun yet I shout again for them to slow down, to stop running, they might get hurt.
Why oh why can’t I be like normal mums and just allow my children to have fun. They are kids for Christ’s sake and kids run, that’s what they do. They don’t want to sit down nicely and colour in a book or do the jigsaw for the hundredth time.
In the garden I have to come in after so long and leave their father in charge, I just can’t watch them going up and down those 3 steps, yes if they fall I know they won’t do any permanent damage, but still the fear rages through my body and I struggle to breath.
Ten year old is throwing a tantrum as I have declined her offer to go to the shop for me, we only need milk but the husband can go, I don’t feel up to it and there is that road to cross, it’s a busy road and the sheer thought of her near it gives me nightmares. She is not crossing that road without an adult, no matter how much she throws a fit. Her friends are allowed, she’s the only kids in the street who’s not.
Anxiety is exhausting me, I am in a constant bubble of fear and can’t seem to get out of it, I have tried the breathing techniques and they are not working.
I wish I could get this under control, its affecting everything I do and everyone around me. I know the husband is getting fed up of being left in the garden alone, while I stand and watch through the kitchen window.
I don’t want to be afraid of the world, yet the world has never been that kind to me, so I see it as a danger. I can’t keep wrapping my children in cotton wool, yet I am fighting myself daily to try to hide the severe anxiety that is taking over my life.
You can read more about my life in my very open and honest Living With Bipolar section.