x My Family x
To My Dearest Children,
How do I begin to apologise for the two years of your lives that I was not there for you? How will I ever be able to make it up to you? I pray every night that I did not make you suffer in any way.
I have no excuses, I was ill.
I do not remember when my two youngest sons first crawled, when their first little teeth grew or when they took their first steps. I fed them, I held them, I loved them, yet I hold no memories of those 2 years.
I had 3 babies in 3 years and in those 3 years my mental health was under great strain. I remember something and then nothing, the memories go blank. Perhaps that time of my life is still too painful for me to think about, that time has been locked away, stored for when I am strong enough to face it.
The only thoughts that do come to me are that I let you down and I failed you.
I remember fear, guilt, loneliness and endless appointments. I remember not wanting to love you.
I had you two little boys, born within eleven months of each other, born to a mentally unstable mother. What hope did you ever have?
You three eldest children I hope I protected from the craziness of my world, we would make excuses that I was not feeling well, had a headache or had been up all night, if you ever asked questions on a morning. I would at times spend up to 6 hours each day alone, crying, afraid in my bedroom.
I never wanted any of you to see me this way. I stayed out of the way. If we knew a mood swing was approaching, like a child I would be summoned to my room, it was the only way to keep you safe. I was not good for you.
Thankfully your dad/step dad was amazing and such a great support, he took over my role. He cared for you, while I sat still in the background. He made the meals as your mother wanted to fry her hands in the chip pan rather than fry food. He had to help bath you, as I would see flashing images of you sinking under the water.
I could not leave the house alone; he took you for your first injections. That’s a mother’s job, yet I was not able too. Not only did he have to look after you, he had to look after me too.
Everyone around me was running, yet I was stood still.
I was afraid to be alone with you, frightened that I would hurt you, not intentionally but the shadows were chasing me and I had no sense of what or who was real. I would check doors and windows constantly during the night.
I never slept; I paced the house during the bedtime hours. I would sit beside you all while you slept and I would silently cry, you deserved so much better than me. I remember that pain, the ache in my heart that I wanted to hold you, touch you, yet I couldn’t.
I could not hug you, I pushed you all away. Desperately trying not to make you love me, for I knew at one point, I would be leaving you all. I thought by pushing you away, you would learn to accept life without me in it. So if I did leave you, it would not hurt you.
I loved you all so much that it physically hurt me; I would feel this wave of guilt, frustration that I was unable to tell you how much you all meant to me. That every part of my body and soul was being torn into tiny shreds, because I was not your mother, I was someone, existing not living.
“Mums got a poorly head” was the only explanation given to you.
Mums head sure was poorly. My life was screwed up and you were all stuck right in the middle of it.
I am so sorry for those 2 years, perhaps even longer that I was not the mother that all 6 of you deserved. I can’t even say I tried, as just surviving a day was a battle.
I am sorry for wanting to not be here, thinking you were all better off without me.
But what I can promise you is this, I have always loved you with every breath in my body and I always will.
I will fight this illness; I will not give into it. My love for you and my desperation to be the best mother I can be is much stronger than this illness.
Whenever I feel I am not able to carry on, all I have to do is look at each of you to know that I have done something right in my life and that something is each one of you.
I am not useless, I am loved, I am able to be a great mother despite my illness and this reflects in your eyes. You have no idea how much it hurts to know I missed so much of your lives. Yet I promise you all that I will do everything in my power to prevent me missing any more.
You give me the reason to live, to want to be strong and you make me want to be a better person. I want you to look back on your childhood and say “While mum was not perfect, she tried her best”.
Your Loving Mother
About The Real Supermum
Im not guna lie, i cried while reading this. You always soldier on Emma, a true inspiration to so many people. Keep doing what your doing hun xx
This made me cry lots! You are so strong in everything you do. Thankyou for this, I hope to be as strong as you. X
Oh Emma you have not failed them at all and as they all get older and mybe read this i am sure they will all be very proud of you for how far you have come xxc
I had a little sob at this
Big hugs lady xx
And the tears start
your such an amazing woman xx
You haven’t failed them hun, your still there fighting alongside them not against them. Your children know you love them an that is all that matters xx
Emma. Big hugs. Your the stongest woman i know, and its very brave of you to write this.
OMG Emma big hugs chick xxx
really wished I had waited to get home to read this instead of in the school playground – the ice maiden melted !
Emma, you have not failed them babies at all, your illness made you fail yourself, you missed out, not the kids. We all have times when we feel we fail our children without the illness you have. I’m sure your brood would agree with me 1000% that you’re a mum in a million and they would never want anyone else, you love, you provide, you care, you worry. YOU do everything any mum does, so what if you don’t cook 3 course meals or bake cakes etc, news for you.. half the time i just plain and simple cant be bothered !
The only bad thing about you that I can point out is that you subject them poor little buggers to butter and jam on crumpets ! now that’s just wrong ! lol.
You have come a very long way in these last few years and yes the battle continues and guess what ? everyone one of us will right there to kick your arse when you want to give up and together we will beat it.
Love Always xxx
Big hugs hun..you haven’t failed them and they all no how much you love them xx
Butter AND jam yummmmmmmmmy xx
OMG that has made me cry. You havent failed your kids hun, you were ill, it wasnt your fault. I can relate to a bit as when my first was born I was ill in hosp straight after and I had seriour bonding probs with her for 3 mths, I wud just feed her and put her to sleep and bath her. I felt nothin at all and even now its a blur, I have lost her newborn stage due to depression, massive hugs xxx
this made me cry , such an amazing women xx
Aaaah hun you ain’t failed them kiddies. You can’t help being ill. It’s not your fault. And you’re doing something about it. You know it’s just in your head and it’s not real. The past is the past. Kids are stronger than we think. And they will always love you unconditionally xxxx
That is such a heartbreaking letter
x x
It sounds to me like you are an extremely sensitive and caring mother. You can’t help the fact that you’ve been ill, you can’t change the past, the best you can do is focus on the present. xxx
You havent failed them.. Big Big Hugs to you
I cried reading this, you are amazing Emma. Not only getting thru those two years but to be completely honest about it. I wish I knew u then so I could’ve sat with u in ur bedroom while you cried to hold ur hand. Matt is amazing as well for being there for all of you x
Just wanted to add between the tears that you haven’t failed them, they look at you with love in their eyes – isnt that enough to tell u that u haven’t xx
Just re-read this and had a little cry X
your such a strong person (hugs) xxx
had a few tears whilst reading this, massive hugs x
Just hope my kids forgive me too, today they went to live with there dad as I am not deemed well enough to look after them. How did it come to this ?
Sometimes things happen that we have no control over, that does not make us bad people, just struggling. I pray and hope that one day you will be strong enough to fight back x
Just sobbed at this…. you’re an inspiration and write so well. Sending lots of love