What Does Depression Feel Like – Depression Diary

What Does Depression Feel Like?

One of the members of my Facebook Mums Group has asked if she can contribute her daily battles with depression on the blog, what depression feels like. Here is how this depressed mum spends her day. Please note this is a REAL mum and a REAL encounter of how dangerous depression can be. This mum I am in constant touch with and she is seeking medical assistance.

6:40PM – I really wish Imogen would go to sleep then these thoughts of screaming at her will stop. If only she will just go to sleep. There’s nothing wrong with her she’s just being silly. I’m glad Rob has got help with his moods though, that’s one weight off my shoulders gone. I’m still not sure about getting myself help though, I’m so against anti-depressants and I don’t want to end up like mum.

At the same time though, I want these thoughts of self-harm and suicide to go. I want to stop crying and being so angry and down and start giving my family the love they deserve. Maybe my kids and fiancé will be better off without me?

8:10PM – Zach has just gone to bed. Its nice hearing him and his daddy play about before Zach goes to sleep. Rob’s mood seems to be better but it’s still early days. Imogen is creating again though but this time it’s okay because I know she’s hungry so the crying will stop as soon as this bottle cools down. At least I hope the crying will stop. The mood of the house seems better, more positive, or maybe I’m just in a fairly good mood. Imogen has her injections tomorrow and they’re going to ask how I am. I don’t know if I’ll tell them, I’m undecided. I ought to cut I’m terrified, what if they put me down or dismiss it?

11:10PM – Just done the pots although it’s taken ages because I just can’t be bothered. Having weird thoughts again, this time about Zach. I was thinking what he’d do if we left him in the house on his own tomorrow? Would he be okay? Would he look for us? Would he cry? He cries when he can’t find me, when we play hide and seek so maybe he would cry. These thoughts make me want to cry but I’ll hold the waterfall until later when I can’t be heard.

I want to go pick him up and hug him so tight and apologise for thinking this way. I’m such a horrible mother. I’d never leave my babies; the thought makes me want to cut my arms up.

Imogen is due her last bottle soon which means waking her up. I always feel anxious at this time. Hope she drinks her milk and settles quickly.

If you can relate to this post or have any of these feelings please speak out. If you would like me to offer an ear to listen or provide a fact sheet on depression resources including helplines please contact me.

This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.

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