There is no denying in his younger days the man was to die for, gorgeous, with a big sexy smile that kind of said hell yeah im kinky like that, not to mention rich and famous.
He was married to Nicole, who is as we know very tall, shes by all accounts not quite as open minded as Tom. That went up in flames, along with his fans knickers as they realised he was single. He hooks up with Penelope Cruz, shock horror gets with the singleness again and relights the fans burning loins THEN goes and dowses them with Miss Katie Holmes.
She was the moron in Dawsons Creek ( actually I quite liked her). Seriously Tom what ya doing? We all shouted. But he ignored us, and popped on to Oprah’s to bounce on her sofas like someone had spiked his milk. Oprah the poor love just played along hoping he wouldnt pull his pants down.
He babbles on about love, and happy stuff , all a big pukefest if im honest, all a little crazy.
Next thing we know hes gone and become a daddy and any hope of sending him videos of Dawsons Creek to change his mind go up in smoke.
But then da da da…the scientology stuff rears its head.
We learn Tom is like the grand master ramrod of a weird ass cult where they believe people descended from aliens. ( I agree with this have you seen my family?) . Ok, we think, we can kind of get onboard with that, but then we find out Katie is to give birth in silence. OH HELL NO! Was the collective outcry of mothers nationally. It was agreed shes gonna need luck and he needs a smack.
If you havent verbally abused a midwife its not a good enough birth Katie. She got big and so did Toms pda’s ( public displays of affection) Katie was photographed fending him off. Even Sigourney Weaver in Alien, when it was popping out of her, had more space, the man was all over Katie like a rash it was sickening. We almost filed for divorce for her.
Then out pops Suri. A beautiful little angel who grew up looking like her mum and being spoilt like her dad. We liked the idea she was gonna be a right handfull at teen years. We can just about put up with then gracing our papers every second paragraph.
But then: Katie leaves him.
HURRAH the femminists yell. In your face Tom forcing her to think like a scientilogist. You weirdo.
Katie says nothing. No mention of Tom running round in her panties, sexting her uncle, affairs…nada…not a bean of info. Where is the fun in that?
Tom releases a statement saying he wont talk till she stops. Stops what? Snoring, waxing what?
Oh and Tom releasing that statement meant you talked.
Turns out theres some crazy Cruise thing that he wanted to send Suri on where they teach the kids to be scientologists by making them scrub the decks and walk the plank and stuff. Stuff crabs and count cargo stowaways etc..nobodys sure really. But Katie said no it aint happening and left him.
The divorce was over in seconds and now shes going into broadway ( the musical thing not the chipshop round the corner from me) and hes probobly gonna run off to Ayia Napa with John Travolta whos a fellow scientoligist and all live happily ever after.
Persoanlly I blame Oprah’s couch. She should have made him take his shoes off and sit on it properly.
Whatever happened to our heart throb? .