Living With Bipolar – My Life Story
Living With Bipolar – My Life Story
When did it begin to rain? I no longer have sense of time and the rainbows that follow blur into one. I have understood that the rain is an unwanted friend that it is part of who and what I am, but it does not stop the wishing that a bright clearing would be made for me.
The hardest challenge is to accept that my life will be filled with rainy days. Those days are the ones where those dark aggressive clouds fall upon me, my shoulders carry a heavy load and I transform into an angry recluse. I refuse to leave the safety of my home, enjoying my own company until even I cannot bear to be me any longer.
It is then that little voice perks up “Your better off dead. The place would be a much nicer place without you”
The guilt rises like bile in my throat, I wretch away the impulsive thoughts. I will not end my life. I will not allow the depression to win. It is then I sit still, alone, in fear and remind myself I can dance in the rain.
Learning to dance in the rain is my safety net.
I know that the rain will stay days, weeks, perhaps months at a time but it doesn’t stay heavy forever and a light drizzle is right in front of me. After the rain comes the rainbow, the time to reflect upon the damage created by my own storm. What mess of destruction have I left this time?
Raking up the leaves and the heavy braches I have snapped the tree of my existence has taken a battering. I can only hope the roots are strong and healthy enough to continue to flourish.
The sunshine is a welcome relief. A time I need to take my medication yet I refuse because life is so great on a high. Lost in mania I transform into the part of me that I have grown to love. It is not reality, but I think of it as the person I always wanted to be. A chance to shine and in all honesty I cause more havoc during this time than at the deepest darkest times. Only I can’t see it.
“Does mum not love us anymore?” Was the question that turned and flipped my existence upside down?
This question was the turning point in my life. Those very words that were spoken by my eldest daughter aged 11 at the time shook me to the core. What had I done?
As I touched the new life growing inside of me I felt repulsed, disgusted and ashamed of myself. I had brought 5 children into this crazy mess of my life and here I had another on the way. I had to face the reality of what I had done. I had screwed up 5 innocent lives and I was not prepared to do it a sixth time. There came a rather large problem. I was already 4 months pregnant. I had to rid of this life inside of my alone and in secret.
Hot baths, were scalding water was poured over my protruding stomach; nothing happened. As this new life moved around I felt it, made me sick to the soul. I had no right to this child; it did not deserve a mother like me. Cutting my stomach open would be the only way and so it was decided, that was what I would do.
I welcome you all to join me in my journey of self-discovery and face with me the obstacles I have overcome and still face. As I share for the first time my incredible life story.
About The Real Supermum
I think it’s great you’re sharing this with us hun, especially seeing as though you’ve never really told anyone about it. You have not screwed up your childrens lives hun they love you and appreciate you and you do an amazing job!
Thank you Jade, it may take me a lifetime to write but I feel its the right time to put some of my demons to rest.
Oh Emma. I think your right babe, maybe its time. Maybe it will do some good and I know for sure it will help others. You are a brilliant mother and your children would not be the way they are (beautiful, happy, healthy) if you were not you. Don’t be so hard on yourself – easier said than done right?! Much love and support ayou take this journey xxxxx
Its been a long hard road to take so far and I know I am not even half way yet x Thanks for your support means a lot x
You are an inspriation Emma xxxx
Thank you Vicky, I have so much to write yet the fear of how others will perceive me is my greatest fear.
Wow…. Speachless!
You’re amazing
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Makes me feel like my mental health problems are nothing compared to others x
You never fail to amaze me Emma xx
Wished i could of helped u when i was around but i know ur a strong determined lady and loved by many x
I truly believe the most truthfull stories come from those who have demons that plague them. I also believe that the demons make us better people than we would have been had we of been ‘normal’.
Having yours Emma has given you a unique chance to highlight Bipolar and the branches that spiral out of that. Your ‘ illness’ has brought you to where you are now, who you are now.
You are the inspiration to some, the answer to others prayers, your the person people feel a connection too. Your open, your honest ( i wont tell anyone your really a bloke called fred) and your simply amazing.
You should never have to fear how people see you or think of you when they know your story.
your story, your life, gives hope.
Keep finding those happy days, you will get them xx
im here if u ever want a rain dancing partner, il even give u a piggy back if u dont wanna get ur feet wet…. massive hugs, ur stronger than u think and u can do, be or achieve whatever u want in life and dont ever think ur a bad mother, they understand more than u know and love you all the more xxx
You have come such a long way since then, you are such a strong person now x
inspriation to us all
x
It must be such a hard thing to live with, thank-you for the insight.. stay strong x
Amazing had me gripped from beginning to end hurry up and publish the book please lol hopefully this book will help me with my own mental health problems x
Insoerational women… So proud your now decided to share..big hugs x
Ur just amazing, inspiring and all those inbetween x
how u live with this and then help so many and do so much via the blog n group u really r remarkable , and to open up n bear all with the blog posts of wat u have been through n still fighting though ,….. inspriation is all i can say n i’m proud to kno u as a friend
xx
I just hope by doing this, letting all these ppl in your head you can lay some thing to rest. You have not let your kids down at all. I mean look at nikita (hope I spelled that right) some adults could be as strong and fantastic as she is and we know it’s down to you
I know for me writing helps me free my feelings so they do not take over. I myself have heard that demon especially recently.
I look forward to sharing this journey with you, well done xxxxx
You are a strong and inspirational woman and i’m glad to say you are a great friend of mine. I’m glad you have found the strength to share with everyone. I have been your friend for a few years now and knew you had hidden demons but never the extent. You are one of the most hard working and loving people I know and I hope doing this helps you along the way. I am always here for you whenever you need anyone. Well done and never give up. X