Living With Bipolar – My Life Story
When did it begin to rain? I no longer have sense of time and the rainbows that follow blur into one. I have understood that the rain is an unwanted friend that it is part of who and what I am, but it does not stop the wishing that a bright clearing would be made for me.
The hardest challenge is to accept that my life will be filled with rainy days. Those days are the ones where those dark aggressive clouds fall upon me, my shoulders carry a heavy load and I transform into an angry recluse. I refuse to leave the safety of my home, enjoying my own company until even I cannot bear to be me any longer.
It is then that little voice perks up “Your better off dead. The place would be a much nicer place without you”
The guilt rises like bile in my throat, I wretch away the impulsive thoughts. I will not end my life. I will not allow the depression to win. It is then I sit still, alone, in fear and remind myself I can dance in the rain.
Learning to dance in the rain is my safety net.
I know that the rain will stay days, weeks, perhaps months at a time but it doesn’t stay heavy forever and a light drizzle is right in front of me. After the rain comes the rainbow, the time to reflect upon the damage created by my own storm. What mess of destruction have I left this time?
Raking up the leaves and the heavy braches I have snapped the tree of my existence has taken a battering. I can only hope the roots are strong and healthy enough to continue to flourish.
The sunshine is a welcome relief. A time I need to take my medication yet I refuse because life is so great on a high. Lost in mania I transform into the part of me that I have grown to love. It is not reality, but I think of it as the person I always wanted to be. A chance to shine and in all honesty I cause more havoc during this time than at the deepest darkest times. Only I can’t see it.
“Does mum not love us anymore?” Was the question that turned and flipped my existence upside down?
This question was the turning point in my life. Those very words that were spoken by my eldest daughter aged 11 at the time shook me to the core. What had I done?
As I touched the new life growing inside of me I felt repulsed, disgusted and ashamed of myself. I had brought 5 children into this crazy mess of my life and here I had another on the way. I had to face the reality of what I had done. I had screwed up 5 innocent lives and I was not prepared to do it a sixth time. There came a rather large problem. I was already 4 months pregnant. I had to rid of this life inside of my alone and in secret.
Hot baths, were scalding water was poured over my protruding stomach; nothing happened. As this new life moved around I felt it, made me sick to the soul. I had no right to this child; it did not deserve a mother like me. Cutting my stomach open would be the only way and so it was decided, that was what I would do.
I welcome you all to join me in my journey of self-discovery and face with me the obstacles I have overcome and still face. As I share for the first time my incredible life story.