Me – Hubby & My 6 Kids
Some days I look in the mirror and despise what I see. When did I become this weak specimen of a person? A former shadow of someone I used to be.
Where did that young and care free young girl go and who replaced her with a frightened and confused women?
My friend has stayed with me this week with her four children and it has been great fun, yet has left me exhausted, trying to be that person I so desperately want to be is draining. Not wanting to let my guard down or allow her to see the real me, fear that if she sees what I really am I will lose her friendship.
How do I tell her that simply watching my children run around the garden sends my body into wild spasms of fear. Sheer terror taunts me when my children climb steps or runs on concrete paths. I have to tell her and she seems to understand, I smile yet inside I am screaming. I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I am.
Anxiety is slowly but surely killing me
Hiding from the fear and facing it head on has been my challenge this last week and I have to say I am proud of myself to some extent.
“What are we doing today mum?” the kids ask excitedly
I don’t have the heart to tell them my body is weak and my mind is slow and the thought of walking out that front door and having to face the world is breaking me, I promise a walk outside through the woods in the glorious sunshine and the smile and shouts of joy destroy me. I don’t ever want my mental illness to affect my children’s childhood and so I fight it, even though it kills me inside sometimes.
I have learned that if I take Tramadol the anxiety and fear subsides just enough for me to make it out the door, it’s a dangerous game I am playing but it is worth the risk. Secretly I stash an extra pill into my jeans pocket, just in case I need a quick boost.
I was prescribed Tramadol four years ago when I suffered from hydronephrosis of the kidney and I learned that when I was taking them my wild moods would settle into more of a controllable pattern. It was after the birth of Kody, my now 2 year old that my real love for them began.
The change that Tramadol makes is noticeable and when I am at my worst even my husband will beg me to take one, anything to calm me down, he hates to see me upset and taking a magic happy pill as I now call them makes me more approachable.
I am scared of what I have become
I despise the person that has taken over me
I am afraid I will become a prescribed drug addict
Will I become addicted to this drug? They have a high addiction rate so there is that possibility but yet I am willing to take this risk. Taking them makes me a better person, more able to face the world.
It does destroy my self-esteem, or what of it I have left, knowing that a drug has to be taken in order for me to walk outside. My children deserve better than that.
The doctor knows, the shrink knows, the CPN knows and now I buy them, get them from elsewhere; they are not prescribed to me. I seek these drugs from non-health professionals.
I am desperate not to allow my illness to scar my children, they have no idea what I do and neither do my friends or family, until now of course, if they read this. I am sorry for what I do, I don’t choose to be this way but I know no other way to take away the fear.
Stepping towards the front the door my feet freeze to the spot
Who is out there?
Is someone waiting for me?
Will I be harmed?
The paranoia and anxiety kick in fast and take over my whole logic thinking. My behaviour, thoughts and beliefs are stolen and in its place I become a nervous shivering wreck.
Instead I pop a magic pill, plaster on the makeup that covers my face, a fake face is now in place and I feel able at least to take my children for a walk. The anxiety always raises its ugly head, yet I can deal with it more easily knowing I have a spare pill within my pocket.
I am not who I want to be yet I may die trying to change the things I hate about myself. Either I accept who I am or the option is not one I think of until those voices come back to haunt me again.
“Nobody wants you, look at you, what a mess, do us all a favour and end it”
I hate those voices more than I hate myself
Yet I continue to fight this never ending battle
You can follow my Life Story – Living With Bipolar
About The Real Supermum
I take it for pain sometimes. Never noticed it effect my moods though.
I was starting to get used to it so I now take meptid.
I do get worried about becoming addicted to them.
Please be careful sweetie x
Hugs xxx
Be careful hunni my ex got highly addicted to them it become scary big hugs x
Be careful hunni my ex got highly addicted to them it become scary big hugs x xxxx
Emma , you know i speak my mind, so hear goes . Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are. You are NOT the person you were made to believe you were for such a long time. As for our friendship, you will never lose that . I do understand to a point where anyone without your condition does. I’ve seen the terror in your eyes and yes you may think i didnt see etc but i nudged you. 1. because I know you can do anything you put your mind to . 2. because whether i’m there with you or here. I will always be with you in mind. Friendships are precious to me, just like you and your beautiful family are. Please know that I will always do whatever i can to help. You are winning the battle everyday, yeh maybe you might take a tramadol to keep the demons at bay but it’s YOU that controls IT, not the other way round. You dont have to protect me from anything. Were in this together now and that way WE WILL win the war. Thankyou for sharing it with me, you’re a very strong woman and dont you ever forget it xxxxx
PS. take another good look at that woman in the mirror and tell her to get jogged on ! you aint rolling over for no one or nothing !
Fiona is bang on!
Everyday is a fight you win. YOU win it because your a flippin mountain of steel: you cant be forced to keep going, and your inner strength survives when your not sure how you can.
The demons dont even get to raise a hand up in a high five before you take them down.
Your children would be so so proud of you if they ever were to know any of this one day. X
Emma what Fiona wrote is very true you are winning and you should not try and hide from frienfs becausr true friends will see through any mask you wear xxx
I’ve been reading the story. And I admit I havent really commented on any of the posts purely because I don’t know what to say. But this post made me change the way I think about going out with my kids.
My oh works full time nights which pretty much means I’m on my own with the kids where he’s out all night and asleep all day. It’s bloody hard work, lonley and boring. I don’t want to go out because it’s hard work. The oh is too tired and so am I.
But to read this post on how hard it is for you to actually walk out the door, has made me feel how hard it must be for you. How guilty you must feel to know you can’t even step outside the front door without basically feeling like crap. And how much I take for granted that I have the ability to go out and play with my kids…
So tomorrow I’m going out. No more sitting on my arse feeling sorry for myself because I’m tired. My kids need the fresh air. We all do. Thank you. For making me open my eyes and actually realise that I haven’t really got it that bad. X
See Emma your posts DO help ^ .
Well done zo zo btw x
Huge bugs x
Hugs*
Your family looks beautiful. I find it SO exhausting to hide who I am around others. I get that kind of thought that hmm do they really want to be around me or who I use to be. Mostly it’s the first one, the person I am not. Pretending to be someone who I’m not anymore drains me and makes me hate myself for doing that to myself. That’s when that voice comes into play!
big hugs to you huni. xx