It was just after Christmas, beginning of the New Year when I was sat thinking about the implant in my arm that had to be removed in October, and what I was going to do. I have 3 beautiful children I was so blessed to have due to a chromosome defect that can make me miscarry, cause the baby to die before 12 weeks in the womb.
There was a chance any baby I carried could be badly disabled. My sister has lost 8 babies in 15 years (she also has had 6 children born fine) and my brother who has had no luck at all of having a child, so I feel blessed and also guilty towards them, as I had all 3 with out a problem very close together.
This was my downfall as by my 3rd pregnancy I got PND from day one and it took everything out of me. So much so I’ve knackered my body and I don’t think my body would take another baby, not that I wouldn’t say no if the hubby said lets try for another. I would love just one more but my health is more important and plus we live in a two bed house.
Two of my children don’t live with me so I’m stretched as a mummy as it is. I have been on a contraception since I was sixteen from the depo injection to the pill tablet and now the implant, I think my body finely needs a rest from hormones been pumped into it.
So at 32 I decided that’s it! Yes it was hard to come to this choice and it was totally my decision, my hubby said he would be behind me all the way and he has been. I went to the doctors and told them and then had to wait 3 weeks for my appointment to see the gynaecologist who explained what sterilization entailed and said I would be sent a letter with my operation date.
That day came and when I opened the letter I cried, I knew that’s it, no more babies for me and it was hard. When I see my sisters little girl I cry afterwards as I ache for a baby but my head knows I can’t.
So for a month I had a heart and head battle and slowly got my head around the fact that in 2 months time I will be going for the operation, which in its self terrified me, putting it bluntly I was bricking it. Three days after my birthday I got a call from the hospital saying there was a cancellation and I was booked in for two weeks time. Well I went into melt down, I’d just got my head around having this operation in two months to be told it was now two weeks.
People say why have it done? Why not just get your hubby to have the snip? as it’s easier but I do not want to come to resent him later on thinking its his fault that I can’t have babies, I don’t want that to rip us apart as I’ve seen it happen.
I’m doing this because its what I need to do in my own mind and to give my body back to just me.
These past two weeks have been a nightmare. I’ve had headaches everyday. I’ve cried must days through fear of the operation and hanging up my baby making as I know I’ll always be broody (what mother isn’t? even my mother still gets broody and she’s 56 years old).
I will not see my two children for a few weeks as I only see them at weekends and my operation is on a Thursday. Also my little boy who does live with me is going to my mums for 5 days to let me rest after the operation.
So tonight as I write this my operation is tomorrow and yes I’m so scared but I have my friends behind me to hold a virtual hand and of course my hubby who will be with me from start to finish and there’s my smile which I’m so good at hiding behind.
THIS POST IS AN ANONYMOUS GUEST POST*