I don’t really know when or how my depression began but sexual abuse made me depressed I know that much, it came to light about 10 years ago during my time working at a children’s hospice. I didn’t realise either, it took staff members to tell me I wasn’t right. I always put it down to the nature of work, dealing with sick and terminally ill children, with in my last 6 months there we lost 6 of our original children which hit me hard. I had 6 weeks off work sick and was established on Prozac/Fluoxetine. These seemed to pick me up and get on with life.
In 2002 I moved to Lanzarote to be with my holiday romance and was happy, or so I thought.
I stayed on the tablets and we planned our wedding for Christmas day 2003. He bought me a dog Mollie who is still with me now, I paid for a pet passport to bring her back here with me. 2 weeks after getting my puppy I discovered I was pregnant with my first baby. Lanzarote people do things a lot different.
I was not allowed to stay on my pills so was taken off them. I sank right back into depression for the 9 months I was pregnant I was weepy and cried taking my husband to work every day as I didnt want to be on my own. I was excited but nervous and all I wanted was my mum who was in UK. I went into labour on the beach and drove home, had my shower and off we went. The labour was only 5 hours but the way they do things is so very different.
I entered the hospital and was immediately put into a wheelchair and not allowed to eat or drink, I was then put into bed. By this time I had had an enema and had been shaved and lay on my back in pain. I had an epidural, the only form of pain relief there and was routinely cut. I gave birth quite easily but after 2 days in hospital they insisted on giving me an internal, which lead to a uterus infection and I was re admitted for a week with out the baby.
It was complete hell. I couldn’t bond with her and when I was visited by my partner he would leave the baby with me while he went for lunch. I would sit looking at the pram thinking please god don’t let it wake up. I was devastated as I thought I didn’t love her.
Once home I had my dad with me then he went and my mum came, boy was I a cow to live with. Waiting for my Prozac to kick in again I was a nightmare. I would t cuddle the baby, just did what I had too, I would feed her her bottle and put her back down. I swore never again.
3 months after she was born we bonded, my pills had kicked in and I felt human again. I still swore never again. Months later I was broody, he said no not till Andrea was 4. We had an ‘accident’ with a burst condom and I knew I was pregnant. I was so nervous about them stopping my pills which they did and a few weeks later I was feeling bad again.
We had a row once which resulted in me throwing my other half out of our first floor flat window. At 16 weeks pregnant I was due to come to UK for a holiday and my own GP here put me on Prozac, which made my 2nd pregnancy so enjoyable and the birth which I had here was amazing, totally different.
By the time I became pregnant with my 3rd, I was sure the Prozac was not working any more. I visited the GP in Lanzarote and she put me on a new medicine called Duloxetine which were great. I took these for 2 years, then got pregnant with my 4th baby and was allowed to take them until the last 3 months of pregnancy, then changed to Prozac for the duration. It went OK to be fair.
We had separated when I just found out I was pregnant with my 4th but I was strong.
When Freddie was 10 weeks old I discovered the children’s centre, an amazing place. I made friends and did courses and realized how I was controlled by him for years. I had a support worker who I could trust and this is how it came about to disclose something I had hidden for 23 years.
I was 13 years old when a family friend came into my bedroom and touched me. I was in my cabin bed which is high but he leant on the side and carried on. I blocked it out, never spoke to anyone about it, maybe I had imagined it? Then 23 years later I realised this is why I had suffered years of depression, it was the route of my problems.
I disclosed to my support worker and went to the police, the hardest thing was telling family and my parents but then it became easier, my pills had changed again to Venlafaxine and I was having counselling and coming to terms with the abuse.
I was signed off from my support worker and things were good for a short while…..
About 3 months ago I knew I was starting to feel low again, my GP put my pills up and I tried to get on with it. Then in February this year I went back and he said he didn’t want to put the pills up again and would I want to swap back to Duloxetine again which I said yes.
I am in the process now of changing back and actually got the docs tomorrow to go on to my full dose and finish on the old ones. It has been a long road this time, I have gone back to support work but they wouldn’t give me my old support worker and I have a new one, but I cant bond with her and I just want my old one back as I trust her and she knows everything.
I am waiting to see how things go, I am up and down at the moment but I know I will be a lot better in 2 weeks. My children’s are playing up and I feel a failure at the moment. I have good friends helping me and I know have people on here I have trust in especially Emma .
Its a long road but I am getting there and to anyone out there who is scared or worried about depression and antidepressants, please don’t worry it is purely replacing the hormone you are missing when this illness strikes.
Don’t worry about taking pills please as they will help you and replace that vital hormone. I have overcome it numerous times so anyone else can too.
This post is anonymous guest post*