A mothers love. Nothing compares to it. Mothers love you unconditionally, guide you and support you. I think my mum missed those classes.
My mum gave me a childhood of abuse, a childhood watching her boyfriends come and go, a childhood listening to Jennifer Rush singing The Power Of Love every time she was dumped.
I hated that song and still do. A childhood full of painful memories, my head being smashed against the cooker, the marks from the belt that didnt fade for days.
Having my bedroom stripped of everything down to the mattress and even the light bulb was taken. Having to earn my clothes back by doing chores.
As I grew so did my hatred for that house. Turning 16 she hit me. I phoned my dad. He picked me up and I never went back.
Many different things occurred, finally I became a mum at 22. I didnt speak to my mum for seven years. She never met two of my sons. By the time we found some common ground we had both changed. She has a diagnosis of copd. I have five kids. It felt different this time. We were close as adults. Talked every day about everything. She came to stay with us for a few days a few times.
She was here when my father in law passed away, offered her support. Then something changed in her, she told me my partner had admitted to affairs with other women to her. I was devestated. He denied it and my mum wouldnt talk about it. Things were frosty for a bit. I was confused. Then last week her mood went sour. She left me a meassage telling me what she thought of me as a mum. I was gutted. Couldnt work it out. I kept a dignified silence.
Then a few nights ago I witnessed her attacking my two sisters. We had all forgotten something and a status had been put up about it on my brothers status on Facebook. I was furious. It was bullying and my sisters didnt deserve it. I jumped in. My mum was frantic with rage. Told me I was a traitor. Told me I wasent part of her family or worthy to carry her surname.
She told me I should never have been born and she only had sons. How my brother abusing me when I was younger was my fault. I ruined his life and hers. How my kids deserved a better mum. How one day they would see the failure I was. I cried. I cried more. I still do now. She has cut me off, said terrible things, hurt my kids, ripped my family apart but still refuses to tell me why.
I miss her. I wonder. I dont sleep for all those things bouncing around in my head. Your meant to love your children reguardless, but I guess that doesnt mean you have to want them.
This post is an anonymous guest post*