I had what is called a missed miscarriage, where the baby is still in my belly. I was really excited when I found out I was pregnant again, to say 4 years ago I was told I would never be able to have children, then 2 weeks after being told that I was 5-7 weeks pregnant. Nobody knew at the time I had just gone though an operation and they thought my baby wasn’t going to make it.
I had a really bad pregnancy but believe it or not Jessica made it ,she made it up until 37weeks and was born a healthy weight of 6lb3oz, but the trouble didn’t stop there, up until she was 8 months old we were always in and out of hospital. I decided I wasn’t going to try for another baby just yet. I was going to spend all my time with my little girl. I had the implant until my belly started blooming. I was getting worried I was putting on weight.
I went to the doctors to be told I was worrying over nothing, I asked for a pregnancy test to be do to be told I had to buy my own and do it myself. That same day I went and bought one, did the test and watched the 2 lines appear. I was heart broken but also over the moon at the same time.
I booked myself in with the family planning who removed my implant there and then and told me everything was going to be OK. Weeks went by and I started to get bigger and bigger. I felt my baby move at 14 weeks and was over the moon, I even cried. My scan date came though the post for my 16 weeks scan, I went to it so excited to be seeing my baby for the first time. I wouldn’t let anyone come with me as I wanted to see he/she all on my own first.
I lay on the bed and they put the gel on me and started scanning me, I saw my baby on the screen, then they turned the screen away and I knew something was wrong there and then. They carried on scanning me, felt like forever, then she went out of the room and brought in two more people and they did the same. They told me the heart braking news that my baby was still there but there was no heart beat.
I couldn’t get my head around it at all, I cried and cried and cried.
They sent me to the early pregnancy unit where they said I could deliver my baby myself with a tablet and I lost it. How could anyone expect me to deliver my child after they had just told me he/she had passed away, not only was it going to take 7-10 days for my baby to leave my body, but I was doing it at home. I couldn’t put myself though the pain and heart ache of that.
I asked if there was anything else they could do, they said I could have a d&c the day after. I went for that choice. That night when I went back home, all I did was cuddle my belly and tell my baby how sorry I was that I had let he/she down and to forgive me.
I cried all night, didn’t sleep a wink the next day. I went for my d&c, I felt numb. I came round 2 hours later to no baby in my belly any more. That was the worst feeling ever. I tried to be strong and put myself in my own little bubble. If it wasn’t for my little girl I would of taken my own life. I really did fall badly into depression.
I wouldn’t admit it but I needed help, 6 months later I could not take it any longer. The nightmares, the loneliness, the emptiness and the heartache and losing a child got to much for me. I finally decided to go to my doctor who put me on depression tablets and sleeping tablets, as I had not slept probably in 6 months. I started taken my pills but felt like they were not working, the doctor told me i have to be patient and that it could take up to 4 weeks.
Three weeks in, I had my first proper nights sleep, it was heaven I hoped for more. I took it easy and tried to talk to my mum about it, she was a great help and so was my new partner, just a friend at the time but they got me though it. It is really great to talk, never hold it in, it brings you down.
A year and half on me and my partner are planning on having another baby, it will happen when it happens. We are ready, yes I am still on depression tablets but they are not as strong and I still think about my baby. I believe that my Grandad was lonely so he decided to take my baby to look after him and look down on us. Things happen for a reason, I will never forget my baby, he/she is now flying high with all the other angel babies r.i.p little one.
If anyone is going though the same thing, please please talk to someone, do not let it build up like I did and let it take over your life. More then one person has been though this there is loads of women out there that understand your heartache.
This post is an anonymous guest post