If like me you use a smile or a laugh to cover up your real emotions and feelings then you will understand where this blog post is coming from.
She is always so inspiring, so strong and always fun to be around not to mention always there for us if we need her, are what anyone who knows me well will say about me.
What they don’t know is when I smile or laugh it is a disguise, one I wear well, I am an expert on pretending to OK.
You rarely see me cry, I do that alone when nobody can hear or see me. I am not ashamed to cry and will burst into tears when my favourite soap character dies on TV, but, if it’s down the way I feel, then that part of me is hidden away, the crying has to keep.
I never moan about being depressed or having Bipolar. I do not scream and rant at the world for all the misfortunes I have been given, I am neither angry nor bitter and hold nobody responsible for my life but myself.
The future of my life lies in my hands, those hands at times may shake but I still hold the key to unlock the paths I choose to follow.
Bipolar depression can be excruciating painful to the soul and to others around me, yet I feel I am able to shield most from it, especially my children.
It is difficult painting a smile on your face, yet like a clown I put on a show, the pain is real, I can feel it, it hurts, yet nobody knows I am suffering and when I am dying on the inside nobody knows it but me.
I have friends who are larger than life, always the soul of the party; it is also those friends who have the most traumas happening in their lives. I can spot a fake smile from a distance.
I am not afraid to talk about my feelings and show emotion, I am able to be honest and explain what hurts and why, yet to the outside world looking in I prefer them to see the person I pretend to be, a strong and dedicated friend, not the crumbling wreck that I really am.
While I can help others feel less alone and make some smile, it allows me to forget about my own pain.
Do you ever paint a smile on your face?