Was It My Fault I Was Raped?
In September 2005 it was the 6 week holidays and I had been invited to stay with my nan and her new South African husband, I had stayed over many times before and had even visited them in South Africa before they moved back to the UK. But this visit tuned out to be very different for all the wrong reasons. I had been there for 2 weeks, it was my last night there it turned out to be the worse night of my life.
I was all settled down ready for bed it was a very hot night and I slept in my nightie, I was all settled and started watching a film, my nans husband was sat in his chair behind me. I must of fallen asleep but soon woke up as someone was disturbing me, I felt something down below me which felt like a hand.
I instantly knew what was about to happen.
I didn’t know what to do
I pretended to be asleep but my heart was racing.
I rolled over onto my belly so he couldn’t carry on with what his dirty hand was trying to do, I was slowly rolled back over and he tried to go down again, this time underneath my underwear.
I wanted to shout my nan but I was so scared what he would do, instead I shuffled about so he would think I was waking up, he ran back to his seat, I shot up and he stuttered ‘ What’s wrong?’
I told him I was having a bad dream and laid back down, I never slept a wink that night, he had left his phone on the table in the front room, after he had gone to bed , I tried ringing my mum, tears pouring down my face as I broke down in tears. There was no answer, I didn’t know what to do.
I sat up all night thinking about what I would do in the morning, the sun started beaming threw the windows and after what felt like a lifetime morning had arrived. I was due to go home, surprising I didn’t say nothing for a whole year because I was so scared about what would happen, so I kept his dirty secret.
September 2006 arrived and it was the 6 weeks holidays again, it was my brothers turn to go to my nans, the day he was meant to go I finally plucked up the courage when my mum was talking about IT( IT being my nans husband). I shouted out he was a paedophile, I had told my mum what had happened and the police arrived , I was interviewed, a few weeks later my nan passed away, my life was falling apart, the police decided it was best to wait until after the funeral to arrest him.
I was kept away from IT at the funeral, 6months later it was the day of Bournemouth Crown Court and the day this evil person would get sent to prison. The day was a horrible experience and at the end to be told he got away with it was heartbreaking, was he going to come get me again?
Two years had passed and not a day went by when I didn’t think about it, somehow I learnt how to cope. I had always felt so lonely and unwanted. I had just turned 14 when I lost my virginity, he didn’t stick around. A year later I had slept with 7 different people, none of which had stuck around either.
August 2007, I was babysitting for a friend, her brother had come home with her and I had stayed over the night, that night I was raped by him who I thought was a friend. He had always had a crush on me but I had always turned him down, it was happening all over again.
I felt so useless
Why was this happening to me?
What had I done so wrong for people i thought i could trust to hurt me?
I immediately went to the police, they had found his DNA in me and on bed sheets, he had told him I had given him consent and that I was older then I was, nothing went further and charges were dropped. I couldn’t understand why he was also getting away with it.
I accepted that I must of provoked them both to do what they did to me, it was my own fault that both these men had raped me.
I was being punished.
I still to this day see these two evil men now and again walking around my town, I started sleeping around again, all I wanted to do was feel wanted and happy but that wasn’t going to happen.
I had told an ex what had happened to me and he had opened is mouth and the word got around, boys knew I was vulnerable and they took advantage.
I am now 19 and have slept with 15 people in 4 years, the 15th being my current partner who I have been with for 2 years now.
Why did abuse turn me into the slut everyone known me as? I still to this day don’t understand why I went down that road. I now suffer with health anxiety and depression due to thinking one day something bad with happen to me again.
I am scared to go out on my own and I am scared something will happen to my health , I am now happy I have met my amazing fiancé and have a 1 year old son.
I now know what feeling loved and wanted feels like, but a fake smile still hides behind this terrified, heartbroken young woman.
Can you offer words of support to the very brave mum who shared her life experiences with the blog today in the hope of helping others?
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is a member of my Facebook mums group. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me.
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