I often sit and feel sorry for myself, its difficult to not think why me? What did I ever do to anyone to deserve the life I have been given. To the outsider looking in I have it all, six beautiful children, a loving husband, a nice home and friends and family. What nobody sees are the demons inside my mind.
I still don’t talk openly about my mental illness, mainly because I still do not understand it, some days I feel human and some days I don’t. There is and always will be a stigma attached to mental illness.
I don’t remember when it started, when did I live a life without depression? After trying to take my life at the age of thirteen I was assigned my first psychologist, the age my eldest daughter is now and that frightens me.
All I know is it haunts me, a dark cloud looming over my shoulder just waiting for its chance to pounce, Then it over shadows me, draws me in so deep that the clearing is masked over, no way to escape. Once in its clutches my days darken and my mood sinks deeper and deeper.
Depression is a curse, once you have it, it never truly goes away. It lingers there in the background just waiting.
I would like to say I accept who and what I am, a manic depressive, yet I still fight to make it go away. I don’t want this disease and that’s how it feels to me, its a nasty disease eating away slowly at my insides.
It robs me of so many things, it steals my confidence and my desire to achieve. It tells me I am a crap mother and my children would be better off without me in their lives, it tries to destroy me.
I fight it, each time I fight that little bit harder. Its exhausting, some days it wins and some days I win, either way its a constant battle.
They say everything happens for a reason, so what reason is their for me being mentally ill? The medication masks the pain, looking at me you would never know, yet inside I hurt. I want to be free, I don;t want to hurt any more. I want to live a life without mental illness, yet its who and what I am and I must accept it.
About The Real Supermum
Thanks for posting! I feel the same way some days xxxx
Continue to fight honey, stay strong xxx
Its unfair isn’t i could of wrone that myself exactly how I’ve been feeling to i was diagnosed at 18 and still battling 10 years on but im the one that has to stay strong if i crumble im pounded for not being the mother/wife i should … You have created a safe place form me and so many others feel its ok to fall as they understand and don’t judge you should be proud of what you’ve achieved so far and know you will never stand alone even in the dark big cloud that makes thru world fall away ill be standing with you fighting our way out xxxx
This is so much how I feel, I’ve not suffered for that long (not officially) but I feel and understand your pain. It is something that no one who has not suffered can really understand.
Thank you for sharing. Take Care
X
awww, this must be so hard for you to talk about hon. my mum has this and has done since she had a break down 20 years ago when my dad left then has been the same way since worsening on my grans and dads death. she now lives alone and although we do our best she still feels alone. it is no fun on this side either thinking it is all your fault and nothing you can do is right!! x x
Hugs. Thanks for talking about it. I have post natal depression and you’ve put how I feel a lot more eloquently than I could. X
Depression is one of those illnesses that some people never beleive… it truely annoys me when people judge you and say depression is an excuse. When they say just get on with things, untill someone has suffered with depression who are they to pass judgement. I suffered with depression for a few years and tried taking my own life… i still have my of days now. All i can say is dont suffer in silence there are people there to help and support you x
Sending you peace and hugs. Take care.