I try not to talk about my illness. It frightens me. It makes me feel ashamed. I am scared of what others will think of me. But this is me. Who I am. The illness is a part of me and not one that will go away. It invades my days. Some times it is kind to me and some times it destroys me. I am not normal. I have no idea what normal is. I know normal exists.
If I were to tell you I had Bipolar, you would form some conclusion in your head of what I have and who I am. The problem is that idea will not be true. Unless you have Bipolar, or knows of someone close to you who does, I don’t think you can ever understand. Those with this illness also do not understand it, I know I don’t.
I have something called,Cyclothymia. Let me explain.
Cyclothymia — or Cyclothymic Disorder — is a relatively mild mood disorder. In cyclothymic disorder, moods swing between short periods of mild depression and hypomania, an elevated mood. The low and high mood swings never reach the severity of major depression or mania. Cyclothymia is a “bipolar-like” illness. People with cyclothymic disorder have milder symptoms than in full-blown bipolar disorder
Relatively mild mood disorder? Trust me this is not the case.
The lows are what I can only describe as depression on your worst day that continues to get worse. There is no escaping this dark hole, it swallows you up. This is when you want to die. Suicide is a constant thought.
The highs? Well these I am sorry to say are great. I love my illness at times. It allows me to feel free. My fear and pain vanish and I can only at these times reach my dreams. This is me on a magic happy drug. It allows the real me to shine through in bucket fulls. I can relate more to the highs. The highs remind me of the time before the illness. When I was not afraid to face the big world outside my front door.
This illness has stolen my identity. Has made me a prisoner in my own home. Some days I can not leave the house. The outside world frightens me. I am a formal shadow of who I used to be.
Beneath my illness lies the person who is me. The one who fights this illness daily to stand tall, hold her head high and shout – I am still here. That little star has lost its shine, but its still here.
I never loose the real me. That women who has fought her whole life to help and be there for others, even when her own world was falling apart. That women who spent 11 years of her life being controlled and living in fear of domestic violence, still was the loyal friend to many. When she needed someone, she was alone. She faced a life of terror, yet always wore a smile.
The mask I wear is the only familiar thing I have. When my days are low I paint a smile. Dedicating my time to helping others gives me my purpose in life. I can not face people often in the real world, so my online support group keeps me alive. Its all I know. If something good can come from something so bad, then my past has a meaning.
It is very common for “someone like me” to use illegal drugs, drink excessively or self harm as a survival strategy. I reveal for the first time ever what I really do behind closed doors.
I do self harm. I do this by starving my body of food. I also use boiling hot water to punish myself. When I am at my lowest, lying in a bath tub of scalding hot water is a release to me. I do not feel pain at this time. I am numb.
I do other things that I am not yet ready to admit to the world. But this is my start to being able to accept what I do is not bad, it is a way to survive.
Alone is all I know. I do not accept help easily. I guess that would mean admitting I am not able to cope. I have failed.
I am a mother to 6 young children. They are the reason I wake every morning, the reason I am still alive. Without them I would have ended this heartache a long long time ago.
I hope this part has explained a little more about me. I am still me beneath my illness.
About The Real Supermum
You shouldn’t be ashamed, it’s an illness and part of who you are, talking about it more may help you over come some/part of your feelings and also will help others understand more about the ilness
never be ashamed of who you are huni , you are an amazing women and mum and so many people look up 2 you big hugs xxxx
I think you are amazing and an inspiration (sp) to peope. You should defo not be ashamed as u say its apart of you. Big hugz xx
You’re an amazing lady, and so brave of you to open up to us all. Never be ashamed of who you are or what you do, you have a lot of support under your wings xx
You are amazing! Never be ashamed of who you are x
You have nothing to be ashamed about hunni, your an amzing woman! x
U have nothing to be ashamed about u r an amazing and inspirational woman
Cannot begin to imagine what it feels like although I have met first hand with a sufferer on a low point. Scary stuff. Hugs to you Hun. You’re doing so well Hun xx
You should never hide who you are. You have inspired so many and helped so many out of their own dark spaces, you should be proud of who you are and what you do xxx
You should never be ashamed of who you are and what you have!! I don’t know anything about bipolar to comment about that chick but your doing well in life with the condition!! Don’t let it bring you down x
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Yes it once was an excuse to lock someone away – out of sight out of mind – but things have moved a long way since.
I won’t claim to be an expert. I studied a-level psychology and worked as a caterer at Broadmoor Hospital for a while. that’s the main brunt of my knowledge.
I actually have respect for those who do suffer and live normal lives (or as near normal as they can). Life is tough at the best of times but when you have an added battle and still come out the other end then Fair play and never let it get you down.
You shouldn’t be ashamed your an inspiration to a lot of women beautiful on the inside and outside x
Ur so brave to continually tell us about bits of ur life, it gives great comfort to many to know they are not the only one!
don’t worry, all women always have mood disorder during pms, or even not during pms:d
I have Bipolar chick x
you’re an amazing woman emma and no way should be ashamed of this disorder. we DO see you for the person you are. you’re one of the best people i have ever come across and believe me people like you are few and far between so carry on being the person you are because we wouldn’t have you any other way!! xxx
You are who you are. And with out this illness you wouldn’t be our fruit loop xxx
your an amazing woman no matter what hun u should never be ashamed of this, it makes you who u are.. and nobody is perfect but that makes up for the people we are and shos our individuality of us xxx
You definatly shouldn’t feel ashamed hun , like you said its ur illnes and from many mummies on the group they know what an amazing person you are and should feel fantasic at all the hard work you do
you are true hero to many of us and you are so brave to say what you have on this post and tbh it is your personal buisness and noone in there right mind should judge you , I don’t know anything about the illness you have but all I can say is your a very stong lady and people should admire that xx
Never be ashamed of who u r, u r the most amazing, inspirational women I know
U r such a brave woman. i honestly do not know where u find the strength sometimes. a lesser person would have quit by now.!! I admire u for shining a lught on the truth behind bipolar disorder xx
Well done for speaking out hunni, bigs hug too … We at one point thought i might have bipolar, as my moods very constantly up and down, one minute it would be like i was on drugs (obviosuly i wasnt), then the next minute i was so low it was unbelieveable, but my depression tablets seem to be helping till recently, and my moods are all over the show again, even with taking the medicine correctly x x
i am so glad you share all this with us hun x
Dont ever feel ashamed of who you are. The reason we are behind you is BECAUSE of who you are!x