I am struggling to remember who I am. I had an appointment with my psychiatric community care nurse today and I am now reeling in shock.
I thought I was better. I am not. I thought I had won my battle, it seems it has won me. I am ill. I have to accept this. I can not.
When did it start, at the age of 12. Why did it start? I do not know. I have talked about my childhood with my shrink. What I can remember of it. Was it good or bad? I do not know. I can not remember. I look at pictures of me as a child. I can guess my age but that little girl has my face but no name. I do not remember her.
I look in the mirror and that same face stares back at me, only older. It is not me. Where have I gone. When did I go?
We need new meds they tell me. Yes I reply. New medication to mask over the pain, the fear. Lets put yet another plaster on top of the many that are covering the mental scars of my inner soul.
My body moves like everyone else’s yet my mind remains still. Locked, transfixed on some fear. What is that fear?
That fear is many, too hard to remember, so my mind has shut it down. It sits there festering away, growing stronger yet the meds make it weak so I can function. They tell me I need new medication, I tell them I need a new mind. One without Bipolar, Manic Depression, whatever they want to call it.
I am tired. I am strong and face the battle yet it feels at this time it is winning. A daily battle I must face. It is draining me of my energy, I want it to go. I want to sleep. Just let me sleep.
About The Real Supermum
Keep fighting lovely. Mich x
This must be such a hard illness to live with, I hope u find ur self again! X
Hunny, take a break for a bit. I took 2 weeks off for this exact reason. I don’t know who I am any more (and still don’t) but the break gave me chance to put my head in order (sort of!). I’m now back with a fresh out look and a clear mind. So get some ‘sleep’. Write some posts and scedule them to tide the blog over for a bit, get one of the admins to cover your ‘shift’ on the facebook group and take a break. You know if you need any help with anything, i’m here. You’ve got my number if you need a chat, text me (I’m glued to my phone) xxx
Keep fighting hun. Your doing really well. It must be hard living with Bipolar hun I can’t even begin to imagine I hope you find who you are again x
Sounds a hard thing to live with, keep fighting. You are doing amazing x
sounds like an hard thing to deal with keep fighting it hun ur doing a great job
xx
You do very well considering Emma hunni. Keep fighting. You can beat it. I have faith in you xx
can’t imagine what it must be like to go through what you have been/are going through but i must say you are one of the strongest women i have ever come across in my whole life.. a true inspiration.. keep fighting chick!!! xx
I dont really know what to say, apart from if you ever, ever need any help at all, you know where I am. Keep strong hunny, I know you can xxx
Keep fighting hun! X
Emma ur such amazing person u struggle day to day and u still find time to help other mummys keep fighting and getting stronger chixk
U will win! Keep thinkin that!
Keep fighting! I hope you are getting all the support you need to face this and win!