11th june 2009.
That day my heart smashed into a million pieces and broke my soul, even now two years on im still picking up the bits that make my heart want to beat for another hour. That day I was forced into a decision that would affect my life forever.
I was in a room no bigger than a teapot and I was told that I had three choices how to abort my dead twins. I could take a tablet then, and another two days later then pass them on a potty in a cubicle. I could leave them to pass naturally for up to a month at home, then bring them in, or surgery. I was given ten mins to decide. The first two sounded so cruel. I was told surgery would be simple. I fall asleep and wake up, its done. I had to sign a form saying if I died during surgery nobody would get sued, and two days later back I was to go. No food or drink for 12 hours beforehand.
Back home I told my playground mums who all said i should have done it naturally. Why wouldn’t I want to see my own babies? I was devestated. Was I failing my own babies ?I couldnt bear it. After the surgery, the surgeon stayed with me holding my hand till I woke up. Her shift finished as she finished me but I had been sedated before due to distress and fright and she knew I was scared. When I woke up she was squeezing my hand and I asked her did I make the right choice? She said the twins were badly decomposed and my womb was infected so yes I had, another 48 hours would have seen me with blood poisoning. She said she had cried taking them out of me and wouldnt wish that on me, so I wasn’t to feel bad or like I should have done things differently.
Back home after the op some of those playground people wouldnt look at me. I explained to them what was said about it and still they said they were my babies, I should have done it naturally, should have seen them. They had me in tears in the playground that day, and it was the last time I ever spoke to them.
Two years on it still haunts me. I wonder did I do it the right way? Should I of done it naturally? Should I have taken those tablets? Was I gutless? In my heart I think I did the right thing, it just kills me that there was nothing to say goodbye too. Its just I was pregnant then I was a walking tomb, then I wasn’t pregnant.
I get really angry when I think back to how they made me feel, people who had lost children in the womb and gone through that and they wanted me to have the experience! Its like being part of a exclusive we did it the natural way club, that I didnt want to join.
I hate how judged I was for choosing surgery, when they have no clue the effect it had and still has on me now.
I dont think I have ever or could ever face any decisions that were as hard and heartbreaking as that day. Sometimes we have to decide things our heart rebels against, sometimes they are cruel but choosing how to get your dead babies out of your body has to be one of the cruellist, no matter how easy it seemed to be for other people.
[notice]This post is an anonymous guest post*[/notice]
About The Real Supermum
aww hun, you went through an awful thing, those people had no right telling you what you should of done, sounds like you made the right decision, you could of ended up seriously ill, so sorry for your losses xxx
Hunni of course you made the ight choice. Only you can decide what is right for you. personally i wouldnt have wanted to see them if they were so decomposed. I know that sounds callous but that would have haunted me forever. And obviously it was the right choice for your health. If you hadnt had surgery it was most likey you would have been very ill or died. Hugs to you hunni for such a tough decision. xx
My heart goes out to you huni xxx
It turns out it was the best option, those other women should have been more understanding, how cruel of them to isolate u at a time u needed as much support as possible. R.I.P little angels
Im so sorry for your loss huni, you made a decision for you and not everyone else. The surgeon sounded amazing and im really glad she was there for you x The other mums in the playground were evidently not your friends, maybe they are just ignorant or have never been unfortunate enough to have been through what you have. Just as the surgeon had said she wouldnt have wanted you to see them as they were decompossed etc. Please do not ponder about the other mums and just think how brave you are and where you are now. You obviously a strong amazing woman for not only having been where you were but by sharing your experience. Just think those mums will be thinking of inate things now, had you have done things naturally things maybe you would be very different in terms of your mental state. Hugs huni, im sooo sorry for your loss and in awe of your courage.
You made the right decision for you and your babies. The other mums should of supported you not have a go at you because of your decision for not supporting you. Loosing a baby is hard to go through but loosing two is even harder. I’m sorry you had to go through that. x
A really heartfelt, well-written blog.
You deserved support from your friends and not judgement. It’s all well and good them saying “oh I’d of had them naturally”. You really would of have not wanted to. You made the right decision. I’m so glad the surgeon supported you they really are fantastic people.
So so sorry for your loss. X
Sounds to me you did the right thing, you’ve just been told you’ve lost your babies why would you want to drag it out, such a taurmatic situation, I know I’d want it over and done with.
Oh huni, my heart is breaking for you..such a moving story. I can’t believe those women were so cruel, you go through such world shattering pain & instead of a friendly supportive hand to help you through, your greated with guilt, shame & bullying! Baby loss is not a competition, it’s a life altering experience that needs all the support you can get! They should be ashamed of themselves! But thank goodness for that fabulous supportive surgeon, she sounds like 1 in a million. Like you say, the bad thing about surgery is you never get to see those babies you carried, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t exist..they were loved, their tiny little hearts beated and they will always be remembered. I had a natural miscarriage & gave birth..but our losses are no different, we both lost much loved babies..you made the right decision!! Your so brave to share your heartbreaking story with us & I so wish I could give you a hug right now, your words have more than pulled my heartstrings xxxx
U did what was right for u at the time
Huge hugs xx
You did the right thing huni Ignore idiots on the play ground if they had been in your situation they wouldnt be being so immature
What a truly heart-breaking story. You are an amazing person, who has been through a horrific ordeal. You certainly did do the right thing. It is your body, and even the surgeon told you the risk after the surgery. I’m so very sorry that you didn’t have support from other mums, who are they to pass comment? You have a life to live too, and had you gone a few more days, your life would have been at risk. Thinking of you and your family, and hoping that as time passes your grief eases. xx
I’m in tears reading this how awful for u and stunned at these womens reactions. U did what was right for u, nobody else and I wouldve chosen the same option, I think seeing the babies would haunt me forever. Hope u had support from family and still have support now x
awww huni big hugs foir you and well done for sharing with us.. u made the right choice for you hun.. your body your choise those other moms should have supported you through the dificult time you had and sory they judged you..all the bet for the future hun and hope your grief eases in time too xxx
what someone would do in this situation is a person choice,what would be right for one wouldnt be right for another,,we all do things differently
i however think you made the right decision,none of them would have made the situation better,and as to these playground mummys lets hope they never have to go thre it and have someone elses opinion make them feel bad,if they make u feel like this then they not worth you time
I believe you made the right choice. If they where badly de composed then why would you want to see them like that. I think that thought would have haunted you alot more than this one. xx
what gives anyone the right to judge you on such an awful thing? you did what was right for you, other people may feel differently but thats there choice, big hugs and stay strong xx
The world we live in is an awful place,no one has the right to judge anyone especially if they haven’t been in the same situation, you hold your head up high huni
xx
You made the right decision. It is utterly arrogant and ridiculous for some playground mum to judge you. Don’t waste another minute of your life thinking about those people. The doctor, who has been trained in obstetrics and women’s health and who has seen many, many cases said you made the right decision. On the other hand, some nobodies with no medical training and who have never seen your medical notes are presuming to judge you. Shame on them. I wish you every happiness in the future.
Aw hunny what a awful thing to happen to you. My heart goes out to you and i send you big hugs. I believe you did the right thing and i cant believe the cheek of the other mums. You are such a brave women x x
Be it the right choice or wrong choice, I have to say I probably would have made the same one. Ignore those others, they don’t know you, your body or your heart. What a horrible thing to have had to go through and those people should have offered you support, not critisised your decision. I hope you find comfort some day xxx
you made the right choice for you, of course you did! i hope those playground mums feel horrible now for how they made you feel esp as you could have died from blood poisoning x
What a terrible experience to go through but am a little confused by a few things.
Why were you only given 10 minutes to decide? Surely you could take as much time as you need to make this decision.
Why could you not see your babies after the operation? It would have been traumatic yes, but they were your children…
Why did you ask the opinion on school Mums? Had any of them gone through the same thing?
Of course you must be very angry at the way things were handled but surely therapy/counselling would be more effective than ranting.
The title is very sensationalist and the article is the written equivalent of ‘car crash TV’
If you truly want empathy and closure you may be well advised to deal with in a more professional capacity, rather than in the playground.
I was given ten mins to decide because the only consultant there was the head obstetric consultant for manchester and he was due at another hospital to help there. He had to sign off on the paperwork.
When I came round from the op I talked to the lady that had performed it and she told me that one of the babys wasent formed properly, and that both were literally decomposing. She strongly advised that I not see that as it would haunt me for the rest of my life. I was frightened by what I might see and i was traumatised from the whole thing anyway. Please remember I went throught the entire experience alone. There was nobody with me and I was in severe shock.
Yes of course they were my children but if a surgeon is telling me and practically begging me not to see them for my own sake then I think that says something on how bad they were. They had been dead inside me for a long time before anything was realised.
Look again at my post and you will see I said I told the school mums, I did not ask their opinion and I told them because they were my friends and they knew I was pregnant. One of them had had a misc before yes and shes the one who said I should have seen them. Another who has never had anything like that happen said she would have seen them too but she admitted that it would have been bad.
Do you really think I wrote this to rant??? really??? I wrote this as I had never told anyone how I felt about the single worst thing thats ever happened to me and how it effected me. I did not rant!
I dont appreciate the fact you have chosen to belittle what I went through and refered to the death and removal of my babies as a rant. How dare you!
The title is the truth. My babies were decomposed and Emma asked me if she could put that before it went up. I agreed. This is not a article… it is MY story. My babies story and as such you should show some respect and mind your words.
What happened to me is NOT car crash tv, its what happened and its harsh, and horrible but its the truth!
I didnt write this for empathy or closure, I dont need sympathy its a empty emotion when it comes to this and the closure will never come as I will never have those babies to hold or love so get your facts straight.
i went for councelling and like I said thats not why I wrote this.
People have misc every day and some will find that simmilar will happen. Many women dont find out they have lost their baby untill the first scan, the body doesnt always react the way nature hopes and so there would be mothers who go through this.
I wanted to show it does happen, so maybe just one person would know theres someone who knows how she feels.
Dont ever try to claim my children are car crash tv, that is massively disrespectfull and loathesome.
I am actually offended by your comment ‘A best’ and this isnt even my blog post!! I find you rather rude if I am honest. This poor mum has gone through this alone and turned to people she though of as friends for a little reassurance that she was doing what was the best!! You really should learn to respect other people and their feelings. What this poor mum when through was traumatic enough and she has been nice enough to share her experience with others where many others who have been through what she has wouldnt. Why pay for therapy when you can get support from people weather they know you or not so how dare you suggest this lady go see a therapist? I think she has been trough enough without idiots like you sticking your nose in and basically disrepect her!!
Big hugs Shell, idiots like this dont deserve the time for you to reply to them xx
What a heartbreaking story . Your an inspirational woman. And i am so sorry you had to go through such heartbreak. You have every right to feel the way you do . Big hugs and thank you for sharing this with us x
when i was younger, 16/17 i was raped and as a result i fell pregnant, i was forced by a few people to have an abortion, i had no other choice! i seriously regret it now but i had the tablets, and i hate myself for it, not only did it starve my baby but i was in a lot of pain, which is probably all i deserve, but also i seen my baby, layed on his back, arms and legs spread, tiny toes and tiny fingers, a larger alien head with bulbs forming eyes, lots of blood and a teeny tiny snapped umiliacal cord, it is an image that haunts me, you done the right thing, its awful seeing your dead baby, especially in my case from your own fault, dont feel bad *lots of love hugs and kisses* xxx
you did the right thing for you chick and my heart broke for you reading you blog post. how you have remained so strong for your little angels is amazing and i truly admire your strength. as for those awful women at the school yard, sound like they were in the right place the school yard!!! how rude and ignornat of them! i hope they never have to go through what you did it is such an awful process by the sounds of it. i am sure your precious little angels are proud of what you did, you did what was right and they are now are in a better place, r.i.p beautiful little angels. please keep strong chick xxx
You were and are a brave woman, you did what at the time was best for you! Sorry for your loss x
What a truely horrific thing to have to experiance. and the fact tthat people saw fit to judge u in that difficult time. u made the right decision in how u chose to have ur angels delivered. no mother wants to witness her sadly, partially decompossed children. i onky hope u recieved more sympathy from family and friends.
i am so sorry for your loss
I think you made the right choice. You are a strong brave woman do not let anyone else tell you any different
You made the right choice hun. It may feel as though you didn’t but they have no right to judge you, they need to put themselves in your shoes and understand how it feels. How dare they try make you feel like shit after what you’ve already been through. I’m so sorry for your loss hun, you angels are looking out for you. You’re a brave woman x
That’s heart breaking sweetie.
I think you did the right thing & I would of chose the same.
You would of made yourself very ill if you’d of done anything else.
Mentally as well as physically!
So sorry for your loss x
Awww bless ya!! Some ppl can be very rude an ignorant.. You solid what was rite for you an your choice also saved your life.. Its hard enuf to lose one baby never mind 2.. These ppl were not friends they they were jealous ppl with no empathy for others! What a sad world we live in xxx big hugs xxx