11th june 2009.
That day my heart smashed into a million pieces and broke my soul, even now two years on im still picking up the bits that make my heart want to beat for another hour. That day I was forced into a decision that would affect my life forever.
I was in a room no bigger than a teapot and I was told that I had three choices how to abort my dead twins. I could take a tablet then, and another two days later then pass them on a potty in a cubicle. I could leave them to pass naturally for up to a month at home, then bring them in, or surgery. I was given ten mins to decide. The first two sounded so cruel. I was told surgery would be simple. I fall asleep and wake up, its done. I had to sign a form saying if I died during surgery nobody would get sued, and two days later back I was to go. No food or drink for 12 hours beforehand.
Back home I told my playground mums who all said i should have done it naturally. Why wouldn’t I want to see my own babies? I was devestated. Was I failing my own babies ?I couldnt bear it. After the surgery, the surgeon stayed with me holding my hand till I woke up. Her shift finished as she finished me but I had been sedated before due to distress and fright and she knew I was scared. When I woke up she was squeezing my hand and I asked her did I make the right choice? She said the twins were badly decomposed and my womb was infected so yes I had, another 48 hours would have seen me with blood poisoning. She said she had cried taking them out of me and wouldnt wish that on me, so I wasn’t to feel bad or like I should have done things differently.
Back home after the op some of those playground people wouldnt look at me. I explained to them what was said about it and still they said they were my babies, I should have done it naturally, should have seen them. They had me in tears in the playground that day, and it was the last time I ever spoke to them.
Two years on it still haunts me. I wonder did I do it the right way? Should I of done it naturally? Should I have taken those tablets? Was I gutless? In my heart I think I did the right thing, it just kills me that there was nothing to say goodbye too. Its just I was pregnant then I was a walking tomb, then I wasn’t pregnant.
I get really angry when I think back to how they made me feel, people who had lost children in the womb and gone through that and they wanted me to have the experience! Its like being part of a exclusive we did it the natural way club, that I didnt want to join.
I hate how judged I was for choosing surgery, when they have no clue the effect it had and still has on me now.
I dont think I have ever or could ever face any decisions that were as hard and heartbreaking as that day. Sometimes we have to decide things our heart rebels against, sometimes they are cruel but choosing how to get your dead babies out of your body has to be one of the cruellist, no matter how easy it seemed to be for other people.