I’m in a really dark place at the moment and don’t know what to do. 9-10 years ago I left my ex. He used to rape and beat me, whilst I was pregnant and after. The day I went into labour he pushed me down a flight of stairs, i ended up going into labour and having an emergency c-section. All of a sudden when Facebook changed all their settings, my brother started receiving messages from him, wanting contact with my son etc.
In the past he has been told not to contact me, he applied to the court for contact, but never went through with the risk assessment etc and I have got on with my life for the next 8 years. He told me if i ever left him he would hunt me down and kill me, he would get a gun, kill me and take my son. In the messages to my brother and then my mother he admits hurting me. he has just completed an IDAP course (court ordered). I posted something on facebook about him not seeing my son and called him some names (I have since deleted them) he messaged my mum as he obviously saw these things. He would have had access to my location and everything I get up to in daily life.
I freaked out completely. The police has now fitted a panic button in my house, I have not let any of my kids out of my sight for a second. I’m not eating and I’m not sleeping, I feel so ill right now. I dont know what to do with myself. I just want my brain to turn off so i stop remembering all the things i thought i had put away and “got over” I am not over these things. I just thought I was. Tomorrow I have to go and give a video interview to try and convict him for the things he did to me all those years ago when I was just 17. I have to sit there and talk in detail about everything he did. Things I would rather forget. If i don’t, it will not be recorded and will not be considered in his bid to get access to my son.
I’m at my wits end. All my family live in london, I live down south on my own, I have isolated myself recently from any real life friends ( I have a disabled child and have been struggling with depression- my best friends will not even speak to me since April) I want to go back home to Surrey, I cannot sleep at night, every noise I hear fills me with fear, I dare not fall asleep in case he comes and I dont hit the panic button in time. Every part of me aches, and I just want to go home to my mum, but with the four kids, they have school and nursery and I cant just take them out of school.
I dont know who to turn to. The police phone multiple times a day, but it feels like my head is going to pop, every time the phone rings, its another reminder of the situation. And i cant wait to get off the phone to them, I know they are just trying to help, its their job. But i really feel like I cannot take anymore, like i cant breath, when i go outside it feels like my chest is going to explode and my heart is pounding in my head. sorry i know its a lot, but I didn’t know who else to contact.
[notice]This post is an anonymous guest post*[/notice]
- My life is over: My baby is dead (therealsupermumblog.com)