I actually had a knife to my wrist; Loosing my baby

I sit here at the age of 19 looking in the mirror and not recognising the person staring back at me. She looks like, she sounds like me , but she most definitely isnt me. How does a 19 year old girl come to say something like that you might ask? Well here is how I got to this point.

 
On the 24th august 2010 , I woke at 6am..even though I hadnt really been sleeping just lying with my eyes closed all night, no rest, no sleep. Just darkness and fear,  my bags were packed, I checked to make sure everything was packed and ready to go , and me and my other half went and got into the car, off to the hospital we went.  We were going to deliver our baby to the angels. We arrived at the hospital , and were shown into our own private room , where they said my other half was allowed to stay the whole time until our baby had been delivered and I was allowed to go home.

That day from the moment the induction began at 8.30am , was the slowest day of my entire life. Then finally at 7.40am on 25th august 2010 our baby was delivered to the angels. Looking at our beautiful little one dressed in tiny knitted clothes by the midwife,  looking so perfect , so peaceful.  Most precious little angel I had ever laid eyes on. We were told we had a little boy, and that afternoon at 2pm I was discharged from hospital. I will never forget that awful feeling, being told ”You can go home now”. Gathering my things together, walking down what seemed to be the longest corridor in human history , to the front doors of the maternity ward, leaving the hospital without my baby.. feeling so empty, lost.

 
I went home and everything just felt , numb. Nothing felt real. I didnt feel like id just given birth to an angel baby. I felt like id just been out for a day or two , an overnight stay somewhere. And was home now.. I suppose that was just my coping mechanism.  Just under a monthpassed and on 22nd september 2010 , we held the funeral for our angel. I remember standing there at the graveside, everyone was stood there, dressed in black, there was flowers, teddies, and finally, that tiny white coffin , barely even looked real. But it was oh so real to me. The vicar said a few words, and our baby was lowered into the ground.. I just stood there, didnt shed a tear, just stood there motionless, my face just set to one expression , then we left. I couldnt bare to stay behind, I needed to leave. I couldnt keep my brave face on for much longer.

 
The next few weeks just passed by, I don’t really remember them, I just remember the numb feeling that accompanied every passing day. Then came the day of the post mortem results. I had refused to physically speak the name of our angel , James Logan Stirling.  I just kept saying ”I dont think we had a boy, I dont feel like I had a baby boy.  We had a girl.  They were wrong”.  And everyone kept saying ”Oh she is just struggling to come to terms with everything, eventually it will sink in”. But I just couldnt shake that feeling. Then the consultant sat infront of us and I remember it like it was yesterday , we were told there was no hereditary problems , so a future pregnancy should be fine, we were so releived as I had found out about 3 weeks previously that I was infact pregnant again.

Then he said ”Did the midwife who delivered your baby tell you the sex of your child ?”  my other half replied with ”Yes they did , a little boy”.  The consultant just looked at us and said ”Oh”. That moment confirmed the past few months of denial for me. He continued to say ”Well im terribly sorry , the post mortem revealled you infact had a little girl”. We just sat there, and for the first time since the 25th august , it felt real. My other half just turned to me and said ”You were right all along, im so sorry.”

We left the consultants office , and that was that. Time passed, and i announced my pregnancy to the supermums ! .. everyone was so supportive and were giving me their best wishes , hoping everything would be okay for us this time. My pregnancy progressed, my scan at 11+4, everything was brilliant, our little baby bouncing around on the screen. Then we had our scan with the consultant at 15+3 , to check to see that this baby didnt have the same condition Lily Mae did , and thank god , our beautiful little rainbow baby was healthy and happy . My due date was 24th july 2010 . We couldnt wait , things were finally looking up ! Time passed , we went for a 4d scan when I was 28+3, I was absolutely convinced we were having a boy this time. So was my other half. We had our scan , it was brilliant, saw our beautiful little baby on that screen and the sonographer said ”Im pleased to tell you , your having a very healthy baby boy!”. I couldnt stop smiling. I was so happy !

 
Time continued to fly by, then the 24th july arrived. And went. No sign of our little boy. Then I had my 40 week midwife appointment on the 26th, my bp was high, and i was measuring quite small for my dates, i was measuring 33cms at 40+2, so we were sent off to the hospital for me to be checked and have a scan. We got there and we had the scan were they revealed our baby had stopped growing at 35/36 weeks , interuterine growth restriction they called it, but baby seemed healthy and happy still thank goodness. We went back to the assessment unit , and a midwife came and said they were planning on having me back the next day at 4pm to be induced, due to my high bp and iugr. That night was the longest night ever, waiting to go back to the hospital at 4pm on the 27th july was such a long wait ! . Eventually we got to the hospital , the induction process began , and on 28th July 2011 , at 5.09pm after 9 minutes of pushing , Auron James Stirling was born.

 
The next afternoon I was discharged, just after 4pm. Off home we went to start out family life together. Things should of been perfect right, yeah thats what I thought too. I was so down, lost my apetite, snapping at everyone , crying, feeling like I wasnt bonding with auron. So my other half told me to speak to the health visitor, which I did, she told me it sounded like I had pnd and to go to the doctors… so I did and got some tablets, they didnt agree with me so ive been weaned off them and should be getting some new ones on friday. But things have been so tough , my relationship has practically been torn apart by this, thankfully mine and aurons bond has developed, and I cant imagine my life without my son in it. I love my other half to peices too , and I want things to work between us.

 
I have been suffering panic attacks , and I got to such a low point that the other day I actually had a knife to my wrists. The only thing that stopped me was my 2yo sister in the next room , I couldnt let her be a witness to something like that. And I couldnt leave my son behind. I think thats when things came to a head. We have the health visitor coming out tomorrow afternoon to talk to us, and then I get my new meds, and my OH has accepted he needs help with his temper. So hopefully we are going to be on the mend soon.

 
I couldnt have got through the past year, not without the help and support of everyone on Emma’s Supermums Facebook Mums group. I love you ladies so very much. I know I can always to turn to you for support, guidance, or just a wake up call when one is needed.

[warning]This post is an anonymous guest post[/warning]

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