Sitting here now with my 2 children feeling the over powering pride and joy I have for them. Didnt get here without trouble. Lets start from the begining…..
Had a fantastic childhood with the most amazing mum in the world who would do anything for me we wasnt rich but I always had what I needed. My real dad left my mum the day before they were ment to get married and told her he had got some women pregnant nice bloke, so my mum did her best by me at all times. She meet a new bloke that became my step dad they married and we moved into our flat in London. A couple of years went by and they started arguing all the time he kept leaving after the arguments and my mum just cried most of the time. one night when my dad had left yet again after an argument there was a knock at the door and my mum answerd it there was a guy that lived across the road mum invited him in and then tucked me up in bed and closed my door, she then went into her room and closed her door.
This went on for a couple of nights till one night my dad came home from work and started shouting at my mum he came into my room and picked me up and took me in the front room and sat me on the sofa saying to me “this is what your mum did!!! she is making me leave! remember that it was her not me!” I had no clue what was going on at all. He left that night and didnt come back.
For years what he last said to me kept going around in my head i hated my mum for making him leave. Untill i was 13 when one saturday night there was a tap at the door and who was standing there my step dad shocked at this i ran to him and gave him a hug….. Later that night i was told that my mum and him had been talking for months and throught it was about time he explained a few things.. starting with he has a son a couple of years younger then me! “erm but dad you couldnt because you were married to me mum” so stupid of me not to add things up all the nights he didnt come home.
That night things became clear he was cheating on my mum for a very long time and my mum finaly gave up and did the same thing with the guy across the road from us “but dad you told me it was my mums fault you left” i was so angry by this point things keep flashing back things he used to do and say to my mum ” your fat! your useless! noone else will love you!” going around and around in my head. but was blocked out because of the last things my dad said! “this is your mums fault”.
Well by this point enough was enough to much infomation im tired good night but he kept comming up week after week staying over, this happend for months then slowly it started to change again he would make plans to show up but never did my mum then realised he was taking her for a fool and rang him and told him ”I dont want or need you any more”. He still rings my mum up now every now and then to see if she is single which she hasnt been and he hates the fact that she is happy without him. I promised myself I wouldnt ever let a man hurt me like that well how wrong was I. Age 14 going to school with my bestfriends to be asked would I like to stay over her house for the weekend “would love to”.
That saturday night I went to her house and met her mum and aunty we sat round the table and i heard a car pull up the front door opened and there stood this what I throught was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen my friend leaned over and said “this is my dad”. Every weekend I stayed at her house got on really well with the family was taken to parks the seaside loved being apart of it all. One Sunday her mum had gone to work and my friend was downstairs watching TV, I was in her mum and dads room on their computer reading Harry Potter when her dad come up and we started chatting, I then got up to go get a drink when the next thing I feel is his hands on my waist and he kissed me. My knees gave way, I was 14 he was 34 this couldnt be happening is this a dream? No it was real he then put his hands down my trousers and well you know played. This went on for weeks every moment we were along we would kiss and touch.
This one Saturday her mum and aunty were going away on a over night, so she invited me over to stay, I waited for her to fall asleep and then went into her mum and dads room and there he stood. I walked over to him he held my hand and told me he was in love with me we made love for the first time that night. I started taking days of school to be with him, his wife worked days so he would pick me up from just down the road from where I lived and drove me back to his and we would make love. I would tell my mum I was going to my other mates house. I would be late home, just so me and him could go to a local park at night and make love in his car. My 15th birthday came and I was asked if i would get engaged to him, he had a ring for me too, I was so shocked and said yes.
One day when we were making love at his house we heard the front door go we both jumped up out of bed. I just got my t-shirt and knickers on and his wife walked in on us, she smiled and walked back out. My heart was racing this was it she knew. I sat in the bathroom worried sick when she came in to me and said are you staying for dinner??? confused so much “ok” I said. She left the house to go buy take away and left me and what I considerd my boyfriend/her husband alone. He told me that she thinks you were giving me a back rub. What is the women that stupid to believe this?
We continued our relationship untill a couple of days before my 16th birthday when I was looking at my uncle and aunties wedding video when I was 3 and who was standing there in the background in my uncles video my boyfriend. He knew me when I was 3 and he knew exactly who I was. This made me feel sick if im honest and I didnt see any of them again. When I was 17 I had a very good friend who told me she fancied me and we got together for like a week because I liked her younger brother, sounds awful but I really liked him and found out he liked me so we got toghther but remaind best of friends with his sister. I fell pregnant with his baby at 18.
I was worried sick as was on the pill and didnt plan on this, I told him and he was over the moon about it. 5 days after telling him I was pregnant something bad happened. I told my mum I was getting a lift home from his house. I lied, I just wanted to stay longer. So I left his house just gone 11pm and instead of getting a bus I walked home. Stupid thing to do as I was walking down a Shortish ally way surrounded by garages. I heard footsteps then felt a terrible pain round the back of my head. I must have passed out because next thing I see is walls and something on top of me and felt something around my mouth cutting it short. I was being raped. Scared out of my life after he had finished I got up and ran home jumped in a boiling hot bath and scrubbed myself with bleach. My mum outside asking outside the door “are you ok love” tears in my eyes hurting “yes mum im fine” I wasnt fine at all. I was bleeding so much the water turned red.
I got up the next day and went to work to then be sent to the hospital because I fainted. I had to tell them what had happened. I was so embarrast and felt dirty, they did all sorts of tests blood tests, swabs the lot and a scan to be told I lost my baby. I was all alone as I told them not to call my mum. All I could do was shake in pain. Missed call after missed call from my boyfriend because he went to meet me from work and I wasnt there. I picked up and told him were I, was he come to the hospital and was told what happend he broke down in tears. Any way about a week passed and my mum knew nothing I didnt ever want her to know. As it would kill her. I started to self harm cutting all my arms and legs.
I couldn’t deal with the pain, I started hitting my boyfriend and hurting him, I had lost it. I lost my job and my boyfriend couldnt deal anymore and left me. The years went by and I started to get my life back on tract. I dated but nothing serious untill my mum introduced me to a mate of hers. He was 24 and I was 20 and I thought I had fallen in love. He was kind, caring and understanding we dated for a long time and he told me and my mum he had bad trouble at home so my mum let him move in with us. One weekend my mum went away with her boyfriend and it was just me and my boyfriend in the house. He was on playstation and I asked him to come off just to help me clean up. He threw the play station at me and walked into our bedroom and slammed the door.
So shocked I walked in to ask what was wrong with him and he hit me around the face and shouted at me “never tell me what to do” I put my hands up towards my face as I thought he was going to hit me again. At this point he grabbed my wrists and pined me to the floor then realeased my wrists and started to strangle me. I couldn’t breath, I throught to myself this was it im going to die, as I started to fade he let go shouting at me “never raise your hands to me ever again” what was he going on about? I didnt raise my hands to him! I was so scared of him that I didnt tell anyone. He tried being nice to me after it had happend kept wanting sex of me all the time. He kept forcing me to have sex with him and even forced anal on me.
Once we were walking back home from shopping and he pushed my face in a wall and cut my face he told my room I was clumsy and feel down my mum pulled me aside and aked if I needed to tell her something. I told her dont be silly im fine. On a sunday night me and my boyfriend were walking to the take away when he grabbed my wrist and said “what did you tell your mum”. I had no idea what he ment so I looked at him and said “what” he just kept repeating what did you tell your mum on and on he kept going ” I think you have lost it” I told him he then turned to me and said you wont be saying that when I kill your mum and cut her up.
Horrified at this I screamed at him “you will have to go through me” he kicked me in my back so hard i felt sick he then dragged me to the floor and kept punching me in the head im screaming at this poibt “HELP HELP” do you think anyone helped nope nobody. As he walked away to chat to some guys across the road that were cheering him on, I got up and started to truy and run away. He ran across the road grabbed me by my hair and repeated “what did you tell your mum” nothing I am shouting at him nothing, I then have my head rammed into a school gate that was it my body gave up. I fell to the floor, bust lip, swollen face already bruising. My body had had it.
I cried just kill me.
The next thing I saw was a man pull my boyfriend away and pin him to the floor another man put his arms around me flashing a badge. I’m trying to protect myself one last time trying to strike this man “im a police officer love in going to help” Thank god I remember thinking. My mum was rang and she ran up that road not knowing what to expect to then see me on the floor in tears and bleeding he was taken away in a police van. I recieved a phone call the next day saying a police officer must come up to chat, that day I found out that he was arrested 5 times before for beating up women. Horrified I was in tears and told I need to go to court in 2weeks. ” I cant do that mum im scared” I cried to my mum “you must my baby you need to put him away darling I will be there all the way”.
My mum sobbed. I agreed to do it, for days I was going on chat just to find my friends just to talk to and I started talking to my friends so called boyfriend they never met just chatted alot on the internet and phone. I found myself telling him everything about me including what had happend to me and I was going to court about it we spoke every night on the phone. The day came when I had to go to court. I had my note from the doctors to state what he had done, my solicitor came with me in the waiting room and said he was in there arguing the fact that he didnt hit you that many times that night. He just hit you once.
My mum hit the roof and said you should have seen her that night and he shouldnt off hit her at all so I handed her the note from the doctors and said if he only hit me once then why was I this bad? She took the note down into the court room and the next I know im being told that I dont have to go in to give details as the court believe that the note is more then enough to prove he did it. I left the room and felt relived that I didn’t have to speak in that room, a week later I recieved a letter saying that he had be charged a £50 fine and 6weeks community work!
Even after they knew all the other women he had hurt that was all he got. I was discusted at this, the £50 came to me in a couple of days in a cheque I didnt want it! If I spent this it would feel like I have forgiven him. All this time I was still talking to the guy of the internet he knew everything that had happened I felt myself trusting him why I dont know. He broke up with my friend after finding out she was a cheat and didnt seemed botherd at all. He just wanted to talk to me yep by this time I had feelings for him. I had never met him but I trusted him. 5years down the line we are planning our wedding for march 5th 2012 after 5 miscarrages and a fight to find a home here we are in a warm loving home happy with two beautiful children, do I regret my past? No it lead me to the love of my life….
[notice]This post is an anonymous guest post*[/notice]
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