You should never judge a book by it’s cover. For while the person may look happy on the outside.. Inside they could be hiding a whole world of pain!
I am a single mother to 4 beautiful children. I love them all dearly & wouldn’t change them for the world. But … I am missing out on the good times.. I fear so much for my children. I am not allowing them to be children. I constantly wrap them up in cotton wool. Yes I know that’s wrong.. & yes I know they need independence, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Let me explain:
I should right now have 6 children: My 8 & 7 year old boys were both sets of twins. When I was expecting my 1st set, I was playing bingo at the local social club. I was 17years old at the time. It was the end of the evening & I was outside chatting to some friends when my ex boyfriends (not the father) new misses’s best friend came storming over to me & started yelling in my face.. Before I had a chance to say to her stop hang on.. She punched me with all her might straight in my stomach, laughed & said “I should kill you.. You punched **** & made her lose her baby” I fell to the floor holding my stomach, looked up at her & said “she’s not pregnant… I am!” Needless to say she looked horrified & ran off! That night I rang the hospital & went up to be checked over.
I was rushed in for a scan & we could see two tiny heart beats fluttering on the screen. I was 8 weeks gone. They kept me in overnight just to keep an eye on me & released me the next day, with the standard “ any problems come straight back up” Well less than 12 hours later I was on my way back up to the hospital… losing clots the size of a golf ball. They rushed me back in for a scan but could only detect one heartbeat sadly. I cried. I may have only been 17. But I loved these children so much already. I vowed to protect the remaining baby with my life! I carried to full term & gave birth to a healthy bouncing boy weighing in at 7lb,1 & a half oz on his due date. He was my world & while I hadn’t forgot about his brother or sister.. I felt (and still do feel) so lucky to have him in my arms looking up at me. We went home where I began to learn about being a mother.
When he hit 1 week old I went to the bathroom & was doubled over in absolute agony… I felt something huge leave my lady bits & proceeded to pass out. I must have hit the floor with a massive thud as my OH rushed in & awoke me. I told him I felt something leave me then it all went black… we looked into the toilet & there was a blood clot so big it could be compared to a full grown adults liver in size. I rang the hospital straight away & we wrapped the “thing” up in a towel & drove straight there. At the hospital the doctors examined it & me & confirmed our worst fears.. Yes it was the placenta of the lost twin. It had continued to grow inside me after the miscarrage but my boy & his placenta had hidden it. I was horrified. Needless to say baby blues kicked in with a passion!!
I then fell pregnant when my lil man was 6 months old, They booked me in for an early scan as I couldn’t pin-point my dates due to addled baby brain. My OH & I were in the little room with the scanner while our beautiful baby boy slept soundly in his pram, looked at the screen & my heart jumped. Yes it was twins.. Again. I tried not to get my hopes up. (after all it can’t happen twice.. Can it?) I made it to 6 weeks before I lost another one of my babies. This time nothing had caused it.. Just “One of those things” Still didn’t stop me grieving though. I felt like I was a failure as a woman. My body couldn’t carry more than one baby at a time? What kind of person was I? I went to full term with my lil bruiser. He was also born on his due date, weighing in at a nice, healthy 8lb, 2 oz. I made the hospital scan me before we left in case the same problem happened but it was all fine. It was after about 2 weeks, my health visitor noticed I wasn’t myself & we discovered I had PND. (Hardly surprising really considering what I had been through) I went to councilling & started taking Anti-D’s. They helped.
I got married at 21 to the father of my children & yes it was the happiest day of my life… well one of them anyway. & 1 year later I was struck with a huge abcess in my jaw which caused the right side of my face to drop so much that it looked like I had a stroke. I was prescribed anti-biotics to help rid of it.
Well I was also taking the pill.. And I didn’t know at the time but it can cause the pill not to work should you be taking anti-depressants at the same time. Well yep I fell pregnant with my 3rd son.. However I didn’t know. I thought the sickness was due to the abcess. It returned after 3 months & it brought re-enforcements with it. I went to my doctors who took one look at me & rushed me to hospital. When we arrived I was rushed into theatre & asked to sign a form stating I wasn’t pregnant, I give permission for the op ect.. I signed.. Well I had no reson to think otherwise. When I came round from the anesthetic I had morphine attached to me on a drip, I was groggy & felt like I’d been hit by a train or something.
I asked what had happened & they told me they had to remove 10 back teeth to get to the abcess & drain it via a tube which was now sticking out of my throat, held in by a safety pin. Apparently it had burst & that’s dangerous. They kept me in for a week, having to sedate me to pull this tube out a tiny bit each day to ensure my throat healed properly.. (else I would have a lovely hole right now) When they finally let me home I noticed I was getting fat, eating weird foods & still being sick, so did a text “just to make sure” & lo & behold.. Positive! I had a scan & found myself to be 3 months gone.. So in the most important time of my baby’s growth… I signed a form allowing the docs to pump my blood stream (and my baby’s) with Anesthetic, Morphine, Anti-Biotics & god knows what else!
I prayed my baby was ok. He was born via inducement 3 days late (the day before my eldest son’s birthday) due to me developing SPD. Perfectly healthy weighing in at 7lb, 13oz. I panicked so much for this baby because of what I put him through while pregnant. He was fine & I had nothing to worry about…. Until now.. He is nearly 5 years old & showing signs of Autism. Everyday I blame myself for agreeing to it.. Why did I sign that stupid form!!!!!
My 4th child was straight forward… I was overjoyed to discover she was a girl. I went pink mad (which was easy as it’s my fave colour anyway) She was also born via inducement due to SPD 3 days early at a luscious weight of 7 lb, 8oz. She is a bouncing happy 1 year old gorgeous girly & I have no worries with her.
So that’s my children: Now for me…..
I was born with 5 strawberry birthmarks. I had to have 2 removed so far due to developing malignant melanoma (Skin cancer) One on top of my arm was a tiny one about the size of a drawing pin head… or at least it was! It developed to the size of an old 50 pence piece. That was about 3 & a half years ago. I had it removed & was thankful to hear that it was caught in time. Well 6 months ago I discovered another one of my strawberry birthmarks was changing.. Same arm but under in the armpit. (It always irritated me when dressing) This was also skin cancer, again went through the process of having it removed. (again thankfully it was caught early) I now have 2 very ugly scars & 3 strawberry birthmarks left. Am I scared they will develop? Yes of course I am. I live in fear from it. My dad has had skin cancer along with his father. I am at increased risk of developing cervical cancer due to my mother, grandmother & great-grandmother having it. I also have a daughter & am so petrified she may develop it.
I am also going through a divorce.
To this day I am still on Anti-depressants. Am I ready to come off them? No… I still have moments where I want to swallow them all as opposed to just one…. When I feel that way I look over at my four beautiful babies & know that I cannot be selfish & take my life as who would look after theirs? My children are my absolute world & I love them dearly. One day I can relax… but for now….. Baby steps.. One day at a time.
Smile at someone you pass in the street.. You never know.. You could have made their day, just with that small indication xx
This post is an anonymous guest post for which I have full permission to post