The fact is I’ve been severely depressed since I can remember but it came to light more so when I was 14. I can’t remember much of that year apart from being stuck in a constant dark hole due to the class bullies, I wasn’t popular and was overwight due to hypothyroidism and comfort eating and wore glasses. Who else would be the target of their jokes other than me? And the ‘ginger minger’ of which they called her that I used to chat to every so often.
I for one know if I was a bully that I’d have targetted me to. At the age of 15 things started get more on top of me than ever, studying for exams that seemed pointless and boys. One boy took an interest in me and at first I thought it was genuine then I realised it was just a game and he too was making fun of me. I couldn’t hide the fact I was so gullible to think anybody could fancy ‘the fat specky four eyed ugly bird’ as I was so often called. Not one person realised I was ill not on the outside but on the inside and I was taking tablets to help my metabolism get back to it’s normal state and that I was struggling on a daily basis to lose weight and the deep depression I was hiding so well.
After the incident of finding out why the ex was with me and that literally everybody was taking the mick out of me, I decided enough was enough and I couldn’t take anymore. When I got home I told my mum I’d be in my room doing my revision and homework so she left me to it. I went straight to the bathroom and took out a box of paracetamols, 32 to be precise. Prescribed drugs weren’t hidden in our household anymore because I was the youngest of 4 so there was no need although every need if you get my thinking. I was lonely, ugly, fat and wore glasses amongst other things and because I was told these things every day I had started to believe them to be true.
Even if somebody tried telling me otherwise, I wouldn’t believe them. Why would I? So I wrote an suicide note “dear mum and dad and anybody else that cares, I’m sorry but I’m a failure, a let down and I need to be elsewhere because this world as nothing else to offer me without it hurting deep down like hell. I’m sorry if it hurts reading this and finding your youngest daughter dead but I’ve nothing left to give and I’m sick of the day to day battle with the bullies and depression (of which you know nothing about.) I can’t take much more… I’m sorry and I love you!” I left the note on my bed and started to take 2 paracetamols at a time and on the 16th, I remember as I was counting them 2 by 2 as I swallowed them, my sister came in and told me that tea would be in 5 minutes. I felt like screaming at her to save me but I didn’t, I couldn’t. She left none the wiser and I continued on my suicide spree. I swallowed the rest again 2 by 2 and started to feel a little drowsy but nothing serious.
“Emma, love tea time.” It was my mums voice that snapped me out of it and made me realise that people, if only my family gave a crap about me. I raced to the toilet and knew I had to throw up until there was nothing left. I was there an age until just bile came out of my mouth, I went downstairs after discarding of the suicide note and ate half of my tea before I needed to throw up again. I’d got off lightly, nobody knew my pain and to this day don’t and nobody found me dead. The only thing people know is that I was suffering from gastroenteritis for 2 weeks due to constantly being sick.
Some may say I’ve had a lucky escape others would say it’s stupidity but I say it’s a battle that I knew I’d have to deal with and to this day I’m still battling depression. Depression sometimes takes over my head and I’ve got to stop myself from being so stupid as to take pills again but even more of which I know will kill me. I’ve got to stop myself from walking infront of a bus and taking my own life because my head tells me that I only deserve to be dead. The things that stop me are my children, my husband and my loving family. If I didn’t have them I know for sure I’d be 6feet under and not a person would care.
I hate feeling so depressed that I sit in my own world just watching my children playing happily together even if sometimes they fight and not being able to play with in fear of them hating me. I fear they’ll grow up and see what the bullies saw all those years ago and it frightens me and I truly hope they don’t but who knows? This is what my mind tells me that I’m worthless, useless and well those with depression know the rest. I snap at my husband because I feel even though he’s the one person to know about my depression that he doesn’t understand. Earlier I told him I felt like dying and the only things stopping me were him, our children and my family but that I was scared to go to the doctor because he’d either section me, take away my children or both and that petrified me. The last thing I want is to lose my children especially in this way. So I now need to think happy thoughts, dance to the music and relax because if I don’t I know one day I’ll lose my girls either to the authorities or my suicide and I can’t handle that.
The fact is I’m severely depressed and only one person knows, my husband but he doesn’t fully understand how I feel or think!! I feel like I’m drowning in depression!!
- What Depression Does To You (therealsupermumblog.com)