I have found sharing my story difficult, writing about the anal rape brought back many memories. Its extremely hard to tell someone you have been raped, but when it was anal rape it makes it even more challenging as you never know how people will react.
I have never spoken out before to anyone about what happened to me and I still don’t remember how I came to tell Emma, yet I am so pleased as I did. The shame I felt was lifted. She made me see this was not my shame to carry. I had done nothing wrong.
I want to share my experience of anal rape in the hope of helping just 1 other person out there.
This Is My Story;
I was 18 when I met him. I was living in a shared house with three other men and my best mate, I had no choice but to live there and was glad my friend had come with me to be honest.
He lived there, upstairs.
I wasn’t like most girls my age, I had little experience with boys. I was ugly, tall and awkward, nobody gave me a second look. My friend and I quickly took control of the house, got it cleaned up, got order into the boys chaos and we all got on well. Then one of the upstairs boys tried to rape my friend in a drunken moment and he was thrown out.
We laid down rules with the landlords consent, the boys were to stay upstairs, the girls downstairs and it seemed to work. During all this *he * would talk to me, make me laugh. I’m not exactly sure how it happened but he asked me out. I said yes but there was a lot of pressure from others.
There was something about him. It wasn’t right but I needed to prove I wasn’t a freak, was a bit glad someone wanted me.
This would be the biggest mistake of my life.
My mate and I would still go out three times a week. We were on a pub pool team and best of all kept beating the men from the other pubs that competed. We never got drunk, never dressed slutty, we just had a laugh and were seen as fun to be around. After about a month of being with him he wanted more than kissing or cuddling and I said no.
I still wasn’t sure how I felt about him and wasn’t ready for sex.
He stormed out.
I decided then it wasn’t fair to string him along and had to be honest that I didn’t like him enough. He was 32 and needed more. I arranged for everyone to be out the house so we could talk. He came back late that night, let me say everything I had too then shut my door.
I told him to open it then he locked it
I started to panic
He was mad
He told me he had another girlfriend. She was seeing him on the side of her bf and loved having bananas inserted inside her then for him to eat them in sandwiches after. I moved to the door but he pushed me away.
He told me I owed him and he was taking it
Then he hit me. I blacked out
When I woke up my head was exploding with pain
My hands were tied behind my back and I was blindfolded
The pain down below was beyond anything I had ever imagined
He realised I had woken up and told me to scream
I refused
He hit me again
I still refused
Then he moved off me and I heard glass smashing
I was wriggling , trying to get into a corner but I couldn’t find one . The floor was hard, and he put his full weight on me as he raped me with what he said was a bit of the broken lamp. He ground my face in the broken glass but still I wouldn’t scream.
He was biting me, scratching me, cutting me with the glass.
I stayed silent. Over and over again he repeatedly told me I needed to slag myself up for future men.
I was praying my housemates would come back. They didn’t. I stopped counting at 13 times then he started anal and it broke me. I screamed. I screamed for my life, for him to stop, for him to kill me but he didn’t.
He only stopped when he said I had stained my carpet enough to look like a murder with all the blood.
He untied me, took my blindfold off and watched me shower in boiling hot water and then watched me clear up the mess. Then he went upstairs and left me. I sat on my bed in agony.
Apart from my face nearly my whole body was covered in bite marks and bruises. I knew then I wanted to die. I couldn’t escape. I had nowhere to go.
I lasted a month before I felt something in my brain just let go and I was picked up by police walking round at 4am wrapped in my quilt. I was unresponsive , just walking.
I had blood dripping from my arms, from cutting up and I was covered in white spirit
They arrested me and sectioned me
I slept in hospital for a week. Then I opened my eyes and asked where I was. I had no clue.
Four weeks on the bite marks were fading, the vaginal and anal bleeding had stopped, I had needed stitches as he had ripped me wide open and my anal scars were infected when he used pieces of glass to cut me.
I was calm and able to talk more than a sentence.
Then one day I walked past the new arrivals room.I heard his voice. He was in there.
He looked up, saw me and laughed.
I backed away and a member of staff saw me and instantly took me to a safe room. I said two words when she asked what had happened. She said I looked more frightened than anything she had ever seen.
I looked her in the eyes for the first time and said * that’s him*. She cried. She took me into the staff room surrounded by staff, locked the door, got me some medication to calm me down and told her staff they had a situation. I had to tell them his full name, his birthday and they all stood there shocked. This had never happened.
They arranged for him to be taken to another hospital as I was there first priority then two people stayed with me at all times. One member of staff went to him and he told them it was true and he was here to see if I had killed myself or not. Then he walked straight out of the ward laughing, pushing a female member of staff and the Dr as he went.
The Doctor apologised to me. He was my Doctor too and had recognised the name was familiar but had not made the connection . The male member of staff that had been with him sat next to me and held my hand. They were all shocked and couldn’t think how to make me feel safe now. I knew it wasn’t their fault but that was it.
My last hope gone
I tried to hang myself
I tried to cut my wrists, I tried to set myself on fire
They sent me to a ward where I had 4 members of staff at all times with me. I broke my toothbrush and tried to slash at my throat.
I tried to electrocute myself, jump out of the window. Anything to die. I refused food for a week. I refused liquids for four days full they put me on a drip. I tore my hair out.
Eventually I ran out of options and could only go up. It took till I was 21 and then I was released for the last time. By then I had met my oh. He was a Psyche nurse, but not mine. There was a instant connection. He knew everything bad and still talked to me, he helped me, treated me like a human being.
Six months after I was released we got together. He took it slow, everything was done at my pace. It felt natural with him. Right.
Eleven years on we are still together. We have five kids and I can honestly say he saved me. I don’t regret what happened to me, I have my man and my kids and that’s all that matters. I’m glad he’s the only man I will ever sleep with . He’s the only man I will ever trust. Like they say after a hurricane comes a rainbow.
This inspirational post was written anonymously by a mum who is either a member of my Facebook mums group, a Twitter follower or has been submitted to me via email. I have full permission to share her story. If you can relate to this post and would like to share your own anonymous post please contact me. You could help us share the blogs love to helping others by sharing via the social sharing buttons.
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u brave brave woman for sharing this- am in tears after reading it :’(
oh huni i dont know what to say to this but hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have just read all of this with my hand over my mouth. Oh my god, I cant imagine what it must have been like to have gone through something like that, but I am so glad you got your rainbow. xxx
I really heartbreaking story, absolutely shocking! I’m so pleased she’s now happy x
xx
What a brave thing u have done to speak out about this! This just brought tears to my eyes im glad u could finally trust again!!
My god hun you are so brave to speak out about this and you should be proud that you have, it’s lovely to hear u didn’t give up totally on men and found your wonderful husband to look after you and your 5 wonderful children I wish you all the happiness and this doesn’t ruin nothing xx
Omg i feel so sorry for whats happened to you! I am so glad you have found someone who loves you and will look after you lots of love. X x x x
omg hun, i cant believe what i just read, to outcome that tragic experience is amazing you are so strong and brave, i am glad your attempts of suicide failed because then he would of won, well done for settling down and having a family, atleast you got a happy ending xx
my heart absolutely cries for you hun, you are so brave to talk about it. i really dont know what to say xx
Wow! This had me in tears! Your so brave and I’m so happy you have had your happy ending!!
Stay strong xx
i honestly dont know what to say i am shocked and humbled
I’m sat here with tears streaming down my face. You are such a brave person, I take my hat off to you.
Did her ever get prosecuted for what he did or is he still sectioned?
OMG huni, this has made me cry. You are one very brave lady. I hope they lock him away and throw away the key. It is amazing you have come out the other side and have 5 beautiful kids and a loving hubby. Sending big hugs to you xxxxx <3
Oh my god. I honestly am speechless and I cant believe this happened! Well done for staying strong xx
Wow…I dont even know what 2 say when i read that i had tears in my eyes! and 2 see that u have over come this and are happy thats all that matters xx
i have no words
but im glad u found ur rainbow xxxx
u are a brave woman! i am amazed at your strenth now… and u have over come so much!!! well done for finding the corage to share your story!!!
lots of love and hugs 2 u hunny!!! xxxx
omg made me cry, my heart goes out to the girl who had to go through this terrible ordeal.
You are such a brave woman to have survived and told this story and even more brilliant for not wanting revenge! And the fact that you have 5 kids now is brilliant. That guy will get karma shoved in his face one day, mark my words!
Absolutely heart wrenching.
I am speechless. So sorry that you had to go through that hun..
You are so brave.x
Your so so brave. Yor story got me so chocked up!! Youve come so far and you have five kiddies and a lovely hubby! A happy ending youo definatley deserve! I bet your family are so proud of you! thankyou for sharing your story, much love and hugs! xxx
every word of this made my hair stand on end and bring tears to my eyes yur so brave to write this hun and glad yu found the right man who will treat u with respect xx x x x x x big hugs x x xx x
*gulp* I don’t no wat to say heartbreaking story ! So happy for u now though !! Xx
You poor amazing survivor. What a completely disgusting thing that man did to you. Im so sorry but you were brave enough to share ur story and that must of been hard, like living it again. Hugs
OMG what you went through is terrible, you are 1 brave lady, I am so glad you have come through the other side and have met someone you trust. xx
My god this made me cry my eyes out. Ur such a brave person for overcoming this. Hats off to you x
wow ur 1 brave lady huge hugs hun x
An absolutely amazing and brave woman for having overcome this…I’m so happy for you and glad you found your rainbow.
Lillian xxx
Omg ur such a brave lazy so glad ur happy now. Was crying reading thid
xx
I didnt even realise I was sobbing until my husband was asking what I was reading and hugging me, you are so brave for sharing this and I am so pleased that you have a full and happy family xx
wow, how brave and strong are you? xxx so glad you have your rainbow xxx
An anonymous update:
I just read all the responces. I’m so sad I made so many women cry. That wasent my intention.
I wanted to add a note that he’s in prison now. After a long time I found out I wasent his first or his last victim, and some of them went to the police.
He’s in prison now.
I wanted to do this to show women that rape is NOT the woman’s fault. You can’t stop it or make it less painfull BUT you can survive it.
I still have the scars. I have bite marks, I have self harm scars and I have a anal tear that will never close up, and scarring inside too.
I look at those at just that now, scars.
He hasent branded me so much as given me a way to meet my man and have my kids, and he’s still rotting in prison thinking he’s won.
AS IF!
Your story may have made us cry though it does a lot more than just that. It shows women what a man can do and teaches us to trust our instincts. Im so happy that you made it through and now have the life that you live with your family xx
Omg hun i can even begin to imagen what you must have gone through. Tears rolling down my face as i write this comment. You are such an amazingly brave women x x
dont be sad you bought a tear to peoples eyes hunni, we all had tears in our eyes because we feel for you hunni. no one should ever have to go through this xxx
Evil tried, but failed to destoy you. You have won an epic battle; and have been rewarded with the love of your husband and children.xxx
omg hun your such a brave women so sad i ad tears in my eyes :’( .. i no your intention was not to make people upset, and to show rape isnt a womens fault im glad hes rttin away in prision, and you have your beautiful family. keep strong huni xx <3 xx
Wow you sound incredibly strong, its amazing how many sick people are out there and thank god that hes rotting away xxx
What a strong and brave women to share such an experience, I am so glad to hear that she has come out of this with a wonderful man and family and the evil being that caused her this terrible pain is rotting in a cell.
Yourso brave, big hugs xx Shame on the hospital for not ringing the police though xx
I’ve got no words… just tears.
You brave, brave lady!! I’m sat here in tears at what you’ve been through because of that sick individual!!I’m so glad there’s an happy ending. Stay strong <3 xxx
that is such a sad experiance such an evil person i hope he has a really bad time in prison. you are so brave. Hopefully you sharing your experiance will help someone. big hugs hunni. xxxx
Hey ladies, this one was me.
I wasent going to name myself on this one but I couldn’t not with all those kind words.
I don’t consider myself his victim, I don’t consider myself brave, the flipside of my self harming was the damage it did to my family during those years. They didn’t know from one day to the next if I would be alive. My brothers were so young and they saw our mum become ill through all the stress and in the end to save my life I had to move 100 miles away. Away from him and the memories but also my entire family. It affected them and its only been the last few weeks I have been able to say i have all my family back.
They don’t know what he did, they only know he raped me, but by doing this I’ve inadvertently told my sister as she’s a part of the group, and I couldn’t avoid that.
Everything happened so long ago so it didn’t upset me doing this, as I said I’ve read a lot of stories asking if it was there fault, and it breaks my heart.
No man EVER has the right to take that from a woman.
Further more after what happened to me the hospital changed its policies to better protect patients of rape or abuse.
The one that hurt me used a different thing with each of us, with me it was glass, another was a lighter lit, another a screwdriver. It could have been worse for me.
As I said i don’t consider myself brave, i didn’t speak out in time to stop him doing it again to a 14 year old, BUT she did have the courage and she stopped him.
For a long time after i was angry with the women he had hurt before me who didn’t stand up to him to save me but then I became one.
I still had to live in that house with him after that attack. He killed my rabbit, he smashed my room up, he had our house burgled and all my personal things taken to keep me quiet.
Sometimes there’s no voice to find the words you need to say to stop it.
I hope I have helped someone by letting them know bad things happen but its ok to struggle after , or on a more positive note that every dark night has a dawning day.
By getting myself better i took his power bit by bit and that is the defining thing i have about me. I have the power now. He has nothing.
He had his glory but ultimately i won, and that’s worth all the pain. Xxx
1 hell of a woman and dont let anyone say any different ! much love and respect xxx
No words hun just big hugs! Im so glad that you have not let him win and that you have moved on with your life and are happy
xxx
you are such a strong women for coming through this horrific experience al i can say id im so sorry this happened and that your an most definetly the strongest women iv herd of x
Wow what a hurrendous time you went through you poor poor woman this animal deserves locking up and throwing the key away he’s a disgrace to human beings !! I am so glad you have found solice in your other half and congratulations on your 5 beautiful children x x
do you feel that you have your power back by being so strong?? xx
TRULY AMAZING, INSPIRATIONAL LADY!! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, BUT I’M VERY GLAD YOU’RE HAPPY NOW XX
wow thats a shocking story, and im upset to know its a real life one, how can someone do this to another person. stay stong! x
Thats the most horrendous thing I’ve ever heard. The fact that someone could do that to another human being is shocking and disturbing. You are a very strong person to come out the other side. I hope you have a very happy life with your oh and your children.x.
thats disgusting what he did, im glad hes rotting in jail. very pleased that your so happy in your life now x
How incredibly moving of you to write about this,well done and I am pleased that after an awful start to your adult life you are now happy.
what a terrible thing to go through!! and you are brave hunni! im glad you managed to find a man you can fully trust and make a fresh start for yourself xx
I really dont know what to say…you are amazing x
what a harrowing time, i read in utter shock. what happened to them man was he arrested?
im so happy to hear u met someone good and have a family together
I’m so so sorry to what happened to u! I was in tears readin this! U are a very strong ladie and I’m so happy u got a happy ending xxxx
your so brave hun, atleast uv now got a happy life xxxx
Oh MY God!
What a horrible man he was, I hope Karma bit him on the ass good + proper!
You are an amazing lady to talk about this, I am so glad you got the help needed to get over this
xx
To helen. You asked if i felt i got the power back by being strong? The answer is no. I got my power back by getting better. He saw me on that ward surrounded by drs and must have thought he had beaten me. He did for a while. But then i met someone who said one sentence that changed everything for me. He only has the power if i let him. So i made a choice to take back the power. It was hard, it was painfull but the day i walked out of the high dependency unit and took a breath as a free woman, free of all the hospitals and all that area that had taken years of my life made it all worth it.
I spent my 21st birthday locked up in a hospital because of him.
The day i got out is the day he became my past.
Ill never forget, ill never forgive and i will never understand him.
But i will, have and continue to go on inspite of him.
Im not dead, im not weak like i was then and i took back every bit of power he had over me by getting better.
You’re an amazing woman to have come out of something like that. i hope he was locked up and the key thrown away. I raise my hands to you as an inspiration to all women who go through anything like this. Big hugs, i know i couldnt have done it xx
Your such a strong woman. Your an inspiration for us. If that would happen to me, I guess I can’t overcome that problem. Well, thanks for sharing your very inspirational article.
wow! ((((huge hugs))))
You’re amazing Shell x
Dear God I just dont know what to say! Im so happy you found love and safety and I hope that bastard rots in hell xxxx
Oh hunny that’s heartbreaking big hugs xxx
Shit lovey, it must’ve taken a tremendous amount of courage to tell people what has happened to you.
I am shocked, sickened, disgusted and horrified that someone can do something like that to another human being.
I am humbled at your bravery that you have carried on and become a wife and a mother.
My thoughts are with you xx
Thank you for your kind words of support, the poster is reading all comments and I know personally it has helped her a great deal.
This man is vile, You love are amazingly strong too share your story with us xxxxxxx
Omg Hun that had me in tears I’m so sorry that happened to you xx
well done for being so brave and strong hugs hun x
You are an amazingly brave lady to share this story with us.
Xx
this brought a tear to my eye, honesdtly all i can say is big hugs babe!!!! <3 xxx
you are so so brave, i dont know what to say other than huge hugs and you are so strong xxx
You are an absolutely amazing strong woman. You have shown the world that a filthy disgusting sick piece of scum cannot keep you down.
He may have broken you at first but you have fought back. Reading this story has made me realise that the time I was raped it could of been a hell of a lot worse.
You also have an amazing man who clearly loves you very much. Each last piece of you.
Just shows that no matter how shitty life can get there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish you all the love, luck and happiness in the future. Stay strong hunni and huge hugs xxxx
Oh my goodness :’( You went through hell didn’t you
You are brave to tell this story, brave to speak out. I can’t imagine how bad you must have felt to want to agai and again try to end your life but so glad you didn’t and the monster did not win. Glad you finally found happiness after the horror he put you through. xx
The so called ‘man’ that did this to you is a vile piece of scum! I had tears down my face reading this, you brave lady <3
You are one brave lady I take my hat off to u xx
Omg what a very sad an horriffic story..must of been awful for you..you should be very proud of how far you hav cum.. So move to here you hav now found hsppines an hav a family of your own you are a very strong an inspirational lady xxxx
This story nearly had me in tears! You are a extremely strong woman! Big hugs xxx
I read this story a few months back it was too hard too comment because it reminded me of something similar thank you for sharing your story and giving me the strength too speak out xxxxx
Ash this was my post. Im glad something can come out of what the animal did to me and that you were strong and brave enough to speak out. That says more about you than this post so stay strong. x
Such a sad story
don’t no what to say hun, your a very BRAVE and STRONG lady!! Massive hugs!! Noone should have to go through this xx
i have to words this is a heartbreaking story im just glad your finally happy with a man that loves you xxxx
omg what an horrific thing to go through, your one a amazing woman xxx
totally shocked and stuck for words but my heart goes right out to u u r truly a strong amazing woman massive hugs xxx
Omg what amazing lady you are to speak out about this. You have been to hell and back but come out on the other side. Big hugs to you xx
Wow you brave brave women I’m so glad your now safe I hope karma gets to him 1 day sending loads of hugs your way thanks you for sharing xxx
Hug, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m so glad you now have a family and a man who loves you. Xxx
There is only one good thing that can come from this post, and thats why I gave it to Emma. I want anyone who has been raped to know that no matter what you are NOT alone. There is always someone somewhere who can help you.
When you have been raped its far too easy to think that its your fault, that you deserved it, that it is just a part of life. It is none of those things. It is never ok, and its not acceptable to suffer in silence.
If theres anyone who reads this and knows how I felt and can identify with what I went through please please speak up, be a voice against the people that rely on silence to get away with it.
I cant change what happened to me and how I dealt with it, but if I can help just one person find the voice to say this happened to me and I want it stopped, or for someone to say im not alone then it means I have a positive to draw from this.
And what about the rest of us men? How can we best help you get something positive out of such an unspeakable thing? What can we do? Is there any role for us?
Just be there. Let us cry, be angry, throw things, really what ever it takes for us to get through it. Remind us that we can get through it, that it wasnt our fault, we didnt deserve it and help us to call the vile scum every name under the sun just to make us feel better. Support us all the way through this. Its hard to tell you exactly everything we would like a man to do until it happens and we need some help xx
Forgot to say on Christmas day the rapist was calling me asking me why I left. I hung up on him. Then I finally turned off that phone. I pray I never see him ever again only reading or hearing about his Karma.
Thank you for your supportive comments – I have turned your longer comment into an anonymous blog post for you – http://www.therealsupermumblog.com/2013/04/i-was-date-raped/
I have been helping a close friend with the fall out and emotional issues from a recent rape. At first I was lost I didn’t know how to deal with it or how to cope. Then I realised I’m not the one who has to deal with anything all I am there to do is offer support and be there when I was needed. To comfort to be the strength she requires through the darkest times. I suppose I knew how she felt being in the victim of similar assault. Maybe this gave me the understanding needed.
All we can be as men is supportive, caring and someone to lean on when it gets too much.
I hope the author of this piece is getting through it ok and has someone to help her through the darkest times.
Yes she has me standing by her every step of the way x And always someone to tale to be that online or on the phone x
You are wonderful, beautiful in spite of your past. You have shown your strength. You weren’t weak hun.
Those women weren’t weak.
I am so happy you have found the one who saved you. You have given life 5 times over and that my dear is strength.
Rodney I think all any man can do is live a life that shows women to be stronger than we have been told. Be a man of integrity and strength.Teach your children, boys and girls where strength comes from. Teach empathy. Show them how a man behaves.
To the poster your story has changed lives.
There’s nothing else anyone can do except be there, she will open up, accept comfort, and move on as best she can when she feels ready.
The tears are rolling out of my eyes. I am so sorry these horrific things happened to you. Similar things happened to me, but not as horrible as yours. I tried to take my life many times as you, but I wouldn’t die. That is because God had a plan for you to meet the best mate ever making a wonderful life and family for you. May God continue to bless you. Sending tons of hugs and prayers!
Brave women!! So sorry you had to go through this. xx HUGS xx
You won.
You are free and blogging and he is cut off from all light any anything that matters.
The night can’t hide the day. So let the tears run down your face.
_Parachute