Ahh favouritism, a word Mums in general avoid like the plague. Of course we all love our children the same, but surely I’m not the only one who has a child who is extra special?
I am not too proud to admit the Joshua is my favourite. So next, I shall answer why. It’s not because he’s the eldest and first born, it’s not because he’s my only boy, it’s not because he is disabled or exceptionally bright; it’s because i made the biggest sacrifice for him, I sacrificed my own heart for his health and safety.
I think I better go from the start:
There I was at 15, only ever had sex once with my boyfriend, staring at the GP in disbelief, whilst my mum’s once supportive hand became tighter and firmer in anger and disappointment. I was pregnant. I was told at 13 that I would probably never have children due to the shape of my womb, which was perfect by me; they’d never been part of the master plan anyway. We had gone to the Drs expecting to be told that I had yet another infection (or that I’d need an op, which they’d predicted when I’d gone for the tests a week before).
We left the Dr’s in silence, scan booked for the next day. I’d not long left school and been placed on a work program at a local stables, and when my mum finally did speak it was to tell me that I’d ruined my chances of a career. We found out the next day that I was about 2 months pregnant and given a scan at 20 weeks.
I carried on working my socks off, doing exams at the local college for my gcse’s, I even carried on eventing on horseback, I was bump less so I didn’t look pregnant and therefore in my mind, wasn’t.
At the 20 week scan, however, it became terrifyingly real. The dr told me I was carrying a little boy (just as I’d predicted), but there was a problem, he wasn’t growing properly.
I was then booked for weekly scans. When I was 7 months gone they confirmed he’d stopped growing, and the weekly scans after confirmed that. He was still alive, still going strong, but tiny. The Dr’s explained they wanted to get me as far into my pregnancy as they could.
A week before my due date they told me he was better out than in and would be delivering on my due date, the 27th of June 2006.
Once again, I took it in my stride; confident I was going to be a perfect mum, was going to breast feed, carry on working etc etc.
My delivery was hell, the midwives were complete cows to me because of my age, I was terrified and screaming my head off when the contractions started coming. My mum and my ex boyfriend where there for me all the way through. They gave me some pethadine, to make me comfortable; but really it was to shut me up.
I woke up desperate for a poo, as I went to sit down my waters went, my ex dragged me back to the bed and got a midwife, she could feel the head. He crowned in the hall on the way to the delivery suite and was out 5 minutes later.
The Drs had told me he’d be 3lbs maximum and would need neo-natal care, they were very wrong. He was 6lb 3oz and just a little skinny, no neo-natal needed.
Unfortunately this is where the problems started, he wouldn’t latch; breast feeding went out the window. I battled on with a breast pump in hand. The midwives were evil to me, one told me that it’s because I can’t feed him is the reason teenagers are useless mums.
I got home and couldn’t form a bond with him, I battled on, but every time I held him he’d scream. My mum ended up doing pretty much everything for him.
Depression hit and I started drinking (even when Josh was with me). I went back to work when he was 2 months old because I needed the cash (I’d never even heard of benefits). That’s when things got really bad, I was at work from 6am every morning until 6pm at night then home to bath a baby and do the night shift. I lasted 2 weeks before exhaustion set in and I slept through his cries. Or I’d wake and be so shattered I’d shout at him. The turning point was when I smashed his baby monitor, my mum took me to the Dr, and it was post natal depression. Me and my boyfriend split up shortly after.
I then quit work, tried staying at home with him for 2 weeks. It got too much; I felt like he hated me and that sometimes the feeling was mutual. My Nan was the only one who actually helped me do things for him; everyone else would just shout at me that I was doing it wrong and take him off me.
At the end of the 2 weeks I packed my bag, handed Josh to my mum and told her he was hers and to look after him. I walked out.
I got myself 3 jobs and a flat, sent all spare cash to my mum recorded delivery, but that was the only contact I made for 5 months. I got in with the wrong crowd, started taking speed to keep me awake for work and drinking heavily at weekends.
One day my Nan turned up at work and told me Josh was in hospital with pneumonia. I dropped everything and went straight there.
Luckily, he was about to be discharged, but my poor baby had been suffering and in there for nearly a month, they’d been trying to find me through out.
I spent the next month getting myself clean, and made contact again when I had. I was still drinking heavily, but I was off the drugs. After that it was put in place that I’d go to my mum’s every Sunday.
I also willing gave my mum a residency order, so I knew she had PR and could do what was right by him. It killed me, standing in that court room, giving my reasons for it. The judge even offered to put me in supported housing with Josh, but I knew that there was no way I could look after him; I couldn’t even look after myself.
I eventually lost 2 of my jobs through poor performance, without the speed I was a zombie, and surprisingly my mum came and took me home. I still couldn’t look after Josh though, he didn’t know me, I was a stranger after all. I eventually got a new job and moved out again. I still kept my contact and even started having him at weekends. I stopped drinking for him.
The real wakeup call was when I missed my period and that blue line showed on the stick. I was pregnant again. I moved in with my then boyfriend (now another ex, but that’s another story) and his family, sleeping on a mattress on the floor, until the council put us in supported housing.
Josh is now at the age where he wants to know why his 2 sisters live with me, but he doesn’t. He is also too old to be put back into my care and too young to make his own mind up.
My day (just Sunday) per week with him is special and I do lavish him with things more than my girls, make the extra effort with him and to many, it would seem he is my favourite. But I go to these extra lengths to show him I do love him and my decision to walk away when he was a baby was for him. And the choice to keep him with my mum was for him. Theres not a day that goes by that I don’t cry about him, I count the minutes until the next Sunday, when I can see him again. Everything I did was for him, and hopefully one day he will be able to understand that and not hate me for it.
This post is an anonymous guest post.
About The Real Supermum
Wow. You hold a strength within you that I’m not even sure I possess…
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Glad you have a good relationship with joshua now x
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aw bless ya hun. x
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Such a beautiful post! Im sure when hes old enough to realise things he will realise what u did was for the best and u love him dearly thats why u did it! xx
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:’o( awww bless all i can say is as long as ur son knows u love him i supose thats all that matters theres a future to look forward to that you can work on all the times uve been missin out on and when hes at the right age u can sit him down and explain to him why you did wha you did gd luck for ur future xxx
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You did the right thing there is no doubt even at your lowest moments you loved josh more than anything.
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omg hun that must be hard for you and we can all understand why you lavish him more your a great girl don’t ever forget that and the best mummy to your children xxx
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you did the best for your son and the strength you have shown through doing it proves your love for him x
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you are so strong hunni!! i dont know if i could of done anything like that!! im sure once he is old enough to sit down and talk it through properly with you he will know it was for his own good
x
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You done the best for your son hun and it was. You’ve created an amazing relationship with him now. But don’t feel guilty hun we all make mistakes and I’m sure Joshua will understand your reasons when his older.
Your a strong women for admitting you’ve struggled as a mum and its amazing you’ve turnt around. Hugs xx
Such an emotional story. i hope that one day when he is older he wil understand that you did what was right for him at the time xxxx
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A very sad story, so young to be pregnant. You were very strong to pull yourself out of this, and you are very brave. My only point to you would be to say lavish love, not such much things honey. I am sure you do lavish love on him as well, and this is the most important thing he can have. xxxxx
Im sure he knows how much you love him hun. You only wanted what was best for him. But well done for sorting yourself out x
aww hun massive hugs, its a very sad story from a very now strong woman.. you did the right thing by your son in that giving him to your mam while you sought help, most mothers who have pnd struggle on as help is one of the hardest things to ever say in life, i hope that more mums can read this post and feel a little bit more comfortable with asking for help, your an inspiration, and as for the part about the midwifes in hospital it was the same for me i was 17 and i got so much disprespect from the midwives due to me being young so my ambition now is to be a specialised midwife to young mums only as i know what its like being a scared young teenager in a hospital knowing your about to be a mum and have a huge repsonsabilty on your hands. x
Aw hun your strength through everything is a inspiration to all of us. I personally think your incredibly strong and the fact that you put Josh first makes you a brilliant mum. Im sure when he is old enough to understand he will understand what happened and how things have ended up like this, and at the end of the day your his mum and nothing and no one can change that xx
aww hun such as ad story but you’re such a strong person. you’ve given him the best you can with what you did. You gave up drink etc for him and for that you should be proud. When he’s old enough, I’m sure he’ll understand!! xx
awwww hun he will understand, you did what was best for your son and ensured he wud be safe and looked after, as hard as that was for you! xx
aw bless u hun, glad u got a good bond and relationship with joshua now. u are very strong and brave xx
I’m so glad that your in a better place now & spending time with your boy! A very moving story hun xx
Wow! What a moving piece.I am crying. You have been through so much and you are still so young. You did the right thing for your boy and I admire you very much xx
Wow what a decision to make, and i’m glad you did it for the right reasons, for Josh. I dont think it’s favouritism at all as your girls have you and he just has what little time you can give him and the things you give him. I hope he sees it the way you want him to hunni x
What a brave lady you are!! You have done what you think is best for your son and I’m sure when he is older he will thank you for that x
aww im sure your son will understand why u had to do it, im sure he will want to come and live with you in the future xx
You did the best thing for ur son and I’m glad u got urself sorted x
you did the right thinng and if nyone says different then theres someting wrong with them. not everyone would be so strong to do that i no i couldnt do it. i hope one day when joshua is older he realises he has a strong mummy who did her best for him xxx
aww i ad tears iny eyes reading this im glad you have contact with josh now hun u did the right thing at the time hun xx
You did what was right at the time hun, big hugs to you, Im glad you sorted your life out & got clean, one day you boy will understand that everything you did was the best for him xx
like your son I also lived with my nana, my mum had me aged 17 and was married just before I was born as it as the done thing, I lived with both my mum and dad for a couple of months, then my mum and dad seperated as it wastnt working, I’m not sure how old I was but I then moved in with my nana as my mum and she felt it was for the best, I still saw my mum regularly though and I went to good schools, got a good education, went o the best hollidays and ate out at expensive restauraunts, I had a party every year at pizza hut with my whole school class, I had all the things that my mum couldn’t have given or even afforded. when I was 7 my little brother was born and like your girls he lived with my mum and his dad at the tim e I did feel a sort of resentment towards him as I felt like I was missing out on time with my mum but then I realiised that the reason I lived with my nana and not with my mum was not because she didn’t love me but because she did love me she didn’t want me to go without and I id have lived with her at that time I wouldn’t have had the thins that I did. When I was 11 I moved in with my mum and step dad and lived with them till I was 16 so 5 years in total, yes we argued and fought but I knew that she loved me sfter I left home my nan passed away when I was 19 an d not a day goes by that I don’t think of her I think of her as a mum but feel really lucky that I had 2 ”mums” that loved me as some people are that unfortunate they don’t even have 1 well me and like your son we have 2.
Ur son will have questions as he grows up but you have to be honest with him don’t hide the bad things hun let him know it warts and all, and trust me he kn ows u love him….
just 1 last thing me and my mum now have an excellent relationship. I’m 29 now an we are like sisters tell her everything.
Good luck for the future hun everything will be fine xxxx.
You did what was right at the time an no one can judge you that hasn’t been there x
Bless ya hun!
You did the right thing, and I’m happy you have a good relationship with your son now .
Very strong lady! Xx