I have an eating disorder. No I am not anorexic nor am I bulimic. I am a self harmer when it comes to food.
It is not uncommon for someone “like me” to self harm. I choose not drink alcohol, not to take illegal drugs and I do not self harm by cutting or physically harm myself, instead I choose to starve my body of food. I did self harm as a young teenager and have not done so since the age of 13.
Mt psychiatrist tells me I do this as it is the one thing in my life that I have complete control over. I am the one who chooses if I should eat or not. I have had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. At the start of this year I decided it was time to start fighting back.
Starving myself is my way of punishing myself, to stop the guilty feelings. I feel guilty that I stayed 11 years in a domestic violence marriage & that I subjected my 3 eldest children to such an unhappy home. I feel guilty that I have a mental illness and I feel guilty that sometimes I am not good enough for my children. I battle this guilt every day, to punish myself I use food.
I have since January 2011 made sure I have eaten at least a meal a day, to some this may not be a great deal. To me this is a huge achievement. Before I decided to tackle my eating disorder I would starve myself for 2-3 weeks at a time, no food whatsoever passed my lips. I do not feel hunger, it comes from the years of staring my body, it no longer recognises hunger.
My children do not know I have an eating disorder, I became very good at hiding the fact that I do not eat. I always ate after they went to bed if they ever mentioned why I did not join meal times.
F or tea tonight I had a jacket potato with cheese & coleslaw and also 2 slices of brown bread. That is the only meal I have eaten today as I skipped a sandwich at lunch time, which is now what I am trying to make myself do. I figure if I can have a lunch & an evening meal its an extra step on the right road to recovery.
I will update my progress as the weeks pass.