I have an eating disorder. No I am not anorexic nor am I bulimic. I am a self harmer when it comes to food.
It is not uncommon for someone “like me” to self harm. I choose not drink alcohol, not to take illegal drugs and I do not self harm by cutting or physically harm myself, instead I choose to starve my body of food. I did self harm as a young teenager and have not done so since the age of 13.
Mt psychiatrist tells me I do this as it is the one thing in my life that I have complete control over. I am the one who chooses if I should eat or not. I have had an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. At the start of this year I decided it was time to start fighting back.
Starving myself is my way of punishing myself, to stop the guilty feelings. I feel guilty that I stayed 11 years in a domestic violence marriage & that I subjected my 3 eldest children to such an unhappy home. I feel guilty that I have a mental illness and I feel guilty that sometimes I am not good enough for my children. I battle this guilt every day, to punish myself I use food.
I have since January 2011 made sure I have eaten at least a meal a day, to some this may not be a great deal. To me this is a huge achievement. Before I decided to tackle my eating disorder I would starve myself for 2-3 weeks at a time, no food whatsoever passed my lips. I do not feel hunger, it comes from the years of staring my body, it no longer recognises hunger.
My children do not know I have an eating disorder, I became very good at hiding the fact that I do not eat. I always ate after they went to bed if they ever mentioned why I did not join meal times.
F or tea tonight I had a jacket potato with cheese & coleslaw and also 2 slices of brown bread. That is the only meal I have eaten today as I skipped a sandwich at lunch time, which is now what I am trying to make myself do. I figure if I can have a lunch & an evening meal its an extra step on the right road to recovery.
I will update my progress as the weeks pass.
About The Real Supermum
So sorry to hear you have been going through such a difficult time, such a difficult marriage and that you feel the need to punish yourself. I hope that you can feel better about yourself soon. Hugs and keep at it. x
I really dont know how you do it hun, you have so much going on and yet you still help out others and keep so many people’s hopes up. Commendations to you. Keep it up, u’ll battle your demons and win one day xx
i’m glad you have written this hun, i have done the same since i was 14 after my accident. The only way i got better was when i fell pregnant with my son. If i didnt eat at least once a day i passed out. My trick was to start taking a glucose tablet a day for energy. My oh started forcing me to eat with him or i would be dragged to the hospital by him. Over the first 3months i gradually got a rhythm of eating dinner, but as my pregnancy progressed he started doing the same with breakfast and lunch. By the time i was term i was finally eating 3times a day and have ever since. I guess what i’m saying is well done for making the progress you have and good luck
I really hope you overcome it, I myself have never had an eating disorder but I have self harmed and I can see how not eating is a form of self harm and not always due to anorexia
I have never heard of anyone sefl harming through starvation before so thank you for opening my eyes!!
i’m sure you can beat this x x
Good luck to you, you’re going the right way really hope it works for you x
come on girl u can beat this, stay strong and think of ur kids xx
good luck, ur such a strong women, you can beat this, you have a happy relationship and 6 wonderful children!
How are you doing now?
I starve myself sometimes.
It is good that you are trying to beat this, before you children catch on
Good Luck xx
i no exactly how you feel hun i really do when i fell pregnant with stuart it was time to get my but into gear and sort it
and now 2 years down the line i eat 2 meals at least a day 
i try breakfast but most of the time it’s to early but i try and have a few biscuits 
have you thought about having a food buddy ? i had one just a close friend who new about my eating habits and every day i’d send her a message saying i had this and that and she would check in on me .. it was great as it was outside the home and i could talk to her & the encouragment was brilliant X
Good luck hunni, Im sure you can do it x x
You’re right, it is very much a step in the right direction. The biggest plus however, is that you recognise the problem and are trying to do something about it. I wish you luck and health.
This is something I do but never put it down to be and eating disorder.im comming to realise I dont eat as I feel im not worth the effort I make and bake for everyone else I make sure the children eat but it doesnt seem to cross my mind I should be doing the same due to my recent situation its got worse ill get by on caffine and nictine have 1 slice of toast if im feeling dizzy and weak . I know its not good for me but I still cant find the appitie im just not hungry anymore and have lost at least 2st in last couple of months and I wasnt big before my clothes are falling off and I can feel and see my bones clearly but yet I still struggle to eat even though I know I need to combined with how I feel about my body I cant see and end to it anytime soon :/
this is very well written..very honest. Big hugs x
I’m glad you’re trying to get through this, we all have our own ways of dealing with things, u can do it, huge hugs sweet xx
again u r so open n honest Emma on ur life, i know u skip food for days , but i hope sometime soon u can manage to eat at least one main meal n poss a snack meal (light sarnie) n over come this, big hugs u know u have us all 4 support xx